


Of Slaves and Freedom

by 09Tiff86



Series: The She-Wolf and the Hawke [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Abortion, Blood and Gore, Brooding, Dancing, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Fenris, Fenris is slightly amused, Fluff and Angst, Fucking Mages, Genderbent Fenris, Hate to Love, NSFW, Parties, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Pirate Best Friend, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Sarcastic Hawke, Sexual Content, Slight love triangle, Smut, Wicked Grace, mentions of past rape, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-04-24 10:14:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4915651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/09Tiff86/pseuds/09Tiff86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only slightly AU (also some canon divergence) with mostly Fenris POV... only... Fenris is a girl. Fenris meets Elliot Hawke... and from there begins their troubled, painful, ridiculous and sexually frustrating journey together.</p><p>Chapters will be marked with tags and Trigger Warnings when needed.</p><p>I do not own any of this, any and all characters belong to Bioware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfic (please be gentle) and if there are any errors or things that should be changed please don't be afraid to comment and let me know. I found a picture on DeviantArt titled "FUCKING MAGES!!!" and ever since I've wanted to write a fanfic with a female Fenris. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Fenris (and his damn sexy voice), but I have not been able to find a genderbent Fenris on AO3, so I'm going to be the first and hope that I don't completely ruin it for everyone. So, without further adieu...
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. I am hoping to update once a week, maybe more :D

           “Fasta vass!” She swore quietly to herself. Anso had said he found someone to investigate the house and the chest within, but not one single person had entered the house besides a few bounty hunters, and it had been two days. She swore if that dwarf double crossed her there would be nowhere, in Thedas or the Deep Roads, that he would be safe from her- unless he ran to Minrathous, but she would rip his heart from his chest before he made it there.

            Fenris was about to scout around for any of the Imperial bounty hunters that had been squatting in and around that corner hovel of theirs when she heard voices speaking lowly in the alley leading to the alienage.

 

            “Varric.” Deadpanned a young, probably Ferelden, man’s voice.

            “Carver.” Mimicked a deep gravelly voice.

            “Still think you’re helping while burying us in debt to your brother?”

            “Still riding side saddle while bitching to your betters?”

            “Drinks later?”

            “Never miss ‘em.”

 

            Fenris felt a smirk try and force its way onto her face, but she held it back as they descended the last steps into the alienage and confronted the few bounty hunters that guarded the front entrance of the corner hovel. They must be the one’s Anso informed her would cause the distraction she needed. She hoped they survived, only so that she could find out what was in that chest they were trying to bait her with.

            She watched as the small group fought the bounty hunters and she couldn’t help the adrenaline that shot through her, causing her lyrium _mutilations_ to glow faintly. She wished she could be down there so she could use her cursed markings to rip their insides out, but as luck would have it, a few minutes after the little group entered the house, another group of bounty hunters gathered near the house’s entrance- more than likely thinking _she_ would be coming out. She knew that couldn’t be all of them, so she forced herself to calm down, using her training as Danarius’ bodyguard, and quieted her lyrium markings before she slunk back across the roof she had been hiding on.

            She wasn’t disappointed as she noticed another group of about 10 that were assuredly waiting for orders to assist their fellow bounty hunters, if need be, when “she” left that house. She growled in satisfaction as she stalked closer to the edge of the roof and assessed her options.

            Four archers, five hunters with either a sword or daggers… and a _mage_ , waited in this group. Her growl turned to a snarl at seeing the mage and as quietly as she could she made her way down from the roof- the mage would be her first target, and the rest would follow soon after.

            She removes Lethendralis from her back and, on silent bare feet, she runs towards the group and before any of them have noticed she decapitates the mage with a single swing. A good mage is a _dead_ mage she thinks to herself with a smirk.

 

* * *

 

            “I don’t know who you are, _friend_ , but you made a serious mistake coming here…” The hunter blocking Hawke’s way threatened.

            _Did no one ever learn?_

            “Lieutenant! I want everyone in the clearing! NOW!” The man yelled.

            Hawke groaned, along with his companions.

            “There are _more_ of you?” Hawke asks incredulously.

            A second later another hunter comes around the corner and as blood spurts from his stomach he gasps, “Captain…”

            He falls to the ground and chokes on his own blood as the sexiest voice Hawke has ever heard speaks.

            “Your men are dead… _Captain_ … and your trap has failed. I suggest running back to your master while you still can.”

            Hawke watches as the woman with that voice, a _beautiful_ woman, slowly stalks down the stairs, passing the bounty hunter, and stops in front of him. Her shock white hair falls down to her backside and Hawke notices white tattoos that mark her flesh, swirling all over the exposed skin he can see, until it reaches her chin and stops just below her bottom lip. They stand in stark contrast to her, golden, sun-tanned skin. But, oddly enough, the most striking of her features are her emerald colored eyes, sitting beneath dark brows, and right at that moment they are boring into him with an intensity that makes Hawke both slightly afraid and a little aroused.

            The bounty hunter walks up behind her and reaches to grab her arm and says, “You’re going nowhere, _slave_.”

            Hawke didn’t even have a moment to react before the woman… _elf_ , turned… her tattoos glowing a bright pale blue, and reaches her hand into his chest- then proceeds to rip his still beating heart out.

            “I am not a slave.” She growls at his body and turns to look back at Hawke.

            Hawke could feel his heart beating painfully inside his chest, and with a grin that couldn’t be stopped he blurted out, “I think I love you.”

            Hawke wasn’t sure what came over him and he was hoping it wouldn’t cause his heart to be ripped from his chest as well, but the beautiful elf only sputtered out an embarrassed laugh and looked away as her cheeks and the tips of her ears darkened.

            _Yep, she’s gorgeous._ Hawke thought to himself.

 

* * *

 

 

            _Did he really just say that?_ Fenris thought to herself as she tried to stop blushing. The human was apparently not that intelligent, or he was blind and didn’t just see her tear a man’s heart out from his body. She supposed it didn’t matter, he was and still is a means to an end for her.

            “I apologize.” She says after glancing at the dead man behind her.  “When I asked Anso to provide a distraction for the hunters, I had no idea they’d be so… numerous.”

            “Don’t worry. We do this sort of thing often.” The human says casually.

            _Hmph_ , is this confidence or _cockiness_?

            “Impressive.” She rasps coldly.

            The human’s eyes continue to glance at her markings so she moves a few paces away. Her uneasiness at the attention his eyes are giving her pulls painful memories of her past as Danarius’ pet slave to the front of her mind. She forces herself to remember it has been over three years since she ran away, but her only memories are of being a slave and habits born of pain, fear and anger tend to die hard.

            “My name is Fenris. These men were Imperial bounty hunters seeking to recover a magister’s _lost_ _property_ , namely myself.” She sneers. “They were trying to lure me into the open. Crude as their methods were, I could not face them alone.”

            She pauses for a moment and with her head, in deference, facing the ground she lifts only her eyes to look at the dark haired human before her and she feels herself smirk slightly behind her curtain of bangs and hair that has slipped forward.

            _Ugh, can this conversation end anytime soon? I need to find Danarius before he flees._

            “ _Thankfully_ Anso chose wisely.” She rasps flippantly.

            “Well, you can call me Hawke, and that seems like a lot of effort for one slave.”

            Fenris stifles a growl at the word.

            _I am not a slave_.

            “It is.”

            “Does this have something to do with those markings?”

            _Fool human_.

            “Yes, I imagine I must look strange to you.” She can’t help but chuckle.

            _All of this is about these cursed markings_.

            “I did not receive these markings by choice. Even so, they have served me well. Without them I would still be a slave.”

            He laughs. “Anso’s job did seem a little too easy.”

            _Hmph, cockiness it is_.

            “Perhaps the deception was unnecessary. If so, I am sorry. I have become too accustomed to hiding.”

            “If they were really trying to recapture you, then I’m happy I helped.”

            Feeling slightly cowed by the sincerity in his voice Fenris can’t help lowering her head in shame.

            “I have met few in my travels who have sought anything more than personal gain.”

            Fenris’ curiosity finally gets the better of her with the chest and she looks up.

            “If I may ask; What was in the chest? The one they kept in the house?”

            “It was empty.”

            _Of course_.

            “I suppose it was too much to hope for. Even so, I had to know.”

            _I’m such a fool; thinking they would actually have anything of importance to me in that chest_.

            “You were expecting something else?”

            “I was, but I shouldn’t have. It was bait, nothing more.”

            “All that for an empty chest?”

            “No. There’s more.”

            _This hunter must have something that will help_.

            Fenris stalks over to the dead bounty hunter’s body to search for what she needs. She knows Danarius is here.

 _He has to be here_.

            Not caring in the slightest if the man she just killed had a family or not, she rifles through his pockets and pouches to find a small missive in Danarius' writing and a map of Hightown showing an X over the door of one of the mansions.

            _Curse these markings. Curse Danarius. Curse my inability to read, but this has to mean Danarius is in the city._

            “It’s as I thought. My former master accompanied them to the city.”

            _This is it, this is what you’ve been waiting for_.

            Fenris looks at the human before she glances at his companions. Another human man who bares a strong resemblance to the one she’s been speaking to, a dwarf with an abundance of chest hair and a rather large crossbow strapped to his back and a dark haired woman in scantily clad clothing with a look that could probably drop a man’s pants in the blink of an eye.

            _What an odd group_.

            “I know you have questions, but I must confront him before he flees.” Fenris looks the human in his eyes and pleads with him. “I cannot do this alone. I will need your help.”

            “It sounds like you intend to do more than just talk.”

            _How very observant_.

            “Danarius wants to strip the flesh from my bones and has sent so many hunters that I have lost count.” She steps towards the human without thought. “And before that, he kept me on a leash like a Qunari mage, a personal _pet_ to mock Qunari custom.”

            _Danarius will die painfully, I don’t care if it’s the last thing I do_.

            “So, _yes_ , I intend to do more than just _talk_.” She sneers.

            “If it means fighting more slavers, I’ll help you.”

            She can feel herself relax slightly, if only because this human has once again surprised her. She wonders if this human, with his distracting teal eyes, might help her to finally be free from Danarius. She can’t help but find the thought intoxicating.

            “I will find a way to repay you. I swear it.” She calms her features to hide her anticipation, but she knows that they must move quickly. “The magister is staying at a mansion in Hightown. Meet me there as soon as you can. We must enter before morning.”

            She turns away from them and heads towards the Lowtown Bazaar. Maybe she can find Anso and thank him for his help, but more than likely, she knows, he has probably made his way back home, out from under the open sky.

            _I’m coming for you Danarius_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second part of recruiting Fenris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that this story will probably get away from me with the in-between moments of the game :D and even a little bit of the in-game conversations, but like I said they all still belong to Bioware, and above all I hope you all enjoy :D

            She had been keeping an eye on the dilapidated mansion for almost an hour, waiting to see if the human and his companions would keep their word and help her and to make sure no one left the mansion alive. She couldn’t help but plait her hair into the braid Danarius loved, changing it slightly to drape over her shoulder instead of strait down her back.

            _I should cut it. I would enjoy seeing Danarius’ reaction_.

            Fenris couldn’t keep herself from growing anxious, both at waiting to see if her acquaintances showed and on facing Danarius. She felt like her heart might beat from her chest if she had to wait much longer and her fingers were itching to grasp the pommel of her sword. She leaned against one of the small trees in the little cluster between the stairs and the DuPuis estate. Clinging to the shadows she could hear whispering and noticed her acquaintances ascending the stairs towards her. She could feel herself calming down; at least she would not be alone.

            “No one has left the mansion, but I have heard nothing within.” She looked towards the windows of the mansion’s upper level. “Danarius may know we’re here. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

            “What’s the worst that could happen?”

            _Foolish human. He must have a death wish_.

            “I do not fear death, but that does not mean we should be reckless.”

            “You sound like my brother, Carver.”

            Hawke looks towards the human she thought held a resemblance to him and gives him a grin that says they’ve probably had a conversation about it often. Fenris looks at the one she is certain is Carver and nods her head, feeling glad she is not the only one who will be cautious inside the mansion.

            “Shall we?”

            “Ladies first.”

            _Charmed_.

 

* * *

 

 

            “Where are you _master_? Come out and face me!”

            Hawke could feel the anger radiating off of Fenris and he couldn’t help but wonder what this Danarius did to her for her to hate him so much. He tried clearing his mind from the distraction of her braided hair to concentrate.

            _This is a magister you’re going up against, Elliot, FOCUS!_

            Fenris was almost to the door in front of them when Varric felt like speaking.

            “I got a bad feeling about this, Hawke.”

            _Don’t jinx us!_

            “You couldn’t have said something outside, Varric?”

            “I tried telling you before we left the alienage. No one ever listens to the dwarf.”

            “ _I_ listened.”

            “That’s just because you want to get into my pants, Rivaini.”

            “You wound me, Varric.”

            Hawke hadn’t been paying attention and didn’t notice that Fenris had jumped over a trap set on the other side of the door until a blast knocked the door back against him flinging his body straight into his friends.

            “Ow.”

 

* * *

 

 

            The blast flung her against the wall and before she could see what set it off magic began infusing the air around her and suddenly shades began to claw up from the ground.

            _Fucking mages_.

            She charged towards the closest shade and swung her sword so hard it sliced clean through the shade’s neck and propelled her into a spin that gave her the momentum to arc her swing so her sword sliced the next shade from bottom to top. She could feel the ichor from the dead shades under her feet as she danced around the remaining ones and could see it sliding down to coat her sword. She didn’t dare look to see where the others were and so she didn’t see how it happened, but she felt a pulse of strange magic right before the door flew off its hinges and slammed into the wall on the other side of the room. A bolt from the dwarf’s crossbow whizzed past her ear and embedded itself into the grotesque face of the shade before her and she smirked before she phased to the next one to cut it down. More shades climb up from the ground and Fenris can’t help but notice that these are stronger than the first ones. She can still feel the strange magic pulsing around her, like waves, but she keeps her focus on the shade currently trying to claw her face off.

            _Danarius thinks his demon pets will stop me?_

“He sends spirits to do his fighting for him. _Isn’t that right Danarius_? Only, your pets cannot stop me.” She snarls at the shade.

            She is about to phase and kill it when a ball of flame sails by her and engulfs it, until all that is left is ash.

            _MAGE!_

            “Nice one, Hawke.”

            “Thanks, Varric.”

            _How could you be so foolish, Fenris? How could you turn your back on a mage? You thought his staff was for melee fighting? How long have you had to live near other mages? YOU IDIOT!_

No one noticed the change in the direction of her hatred, as she was still glowing from the fight, so without even glancing at her they made their way through the door to the next room and she was left to keep herself from killing them all.

            _You still need their help, and so far he has not betrayed you_. _A mage has their uses, and against Danarius he could be the difference between you being a slave once again and you finally having your freedom_.

            “ _Venhedis_.”

            “What was that, Kitten?”

            _Kitten?_

            Her only response is a deep growl as she stalks towards the dark haired woman at the door.

 

* * *

 

 

            “Gone. I had hoped… no, it doesn’t matter any longer.”

            _Please don’t cry, please don’t cry. I hate it when girls cry._

            “I assume Danarius left valuables behind. Take them if you wish. I… need some air.”

            Hawke watches Fenris walk out of the room while Carver, Varric and Isabela go through all of the chests. He hopes that she doesn’t disappear before he can say goodbye.

            “Mmmm… I wonder how far down those tattoos go.”

            “ _Isabela_!”

            “Now, Little Hawke, don’t interrupt.”

            “I am _not_ … errrrgh.”

            Hawke laughs as an image of Fenris naked runs through his mind. The thought of white markings swirling down her chest and abdomen, curling across her slight hips and down her toned thighs had Hawke shivering and shaking his head to clear it, but Isabela notices anyways.

            “Mmmm, you’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?”

            “I’ll never tell.”

            “Well, you’re no fun.”

 

* * *

 

 

            _He’s an apostate, Fenris. He should be handed over to the Templars._

            She stalks back and forth near the copse of trees she hid near earlier; her hair unbraided and in need of a wash. The ichor from all of those demons would take her forever to rinse clean from her hair.

            _You owe him a debt. You cannot turn him in if you wish to pay that debt_.

            She growls out a string of Arcanum that would probably curdle milk as Hawke and his friends exit the mansion. She stops pacing and glares at Hawke.

            “It never ends.”

            Hawke stops and looks at her like he’s relieved she’s there.

            _It doesn’t matter_.

            “I escaped a land of dark magic only to have it hunt me at every turn. It is a plaque burned into my flesh and my soul.”

            She moves away from the trees and keeps her eyes on Hawke and his companions.

            _They are all fools_.

            “And now I find myself in the company of yet another mage.”

            Hawke and his friends walk closer to her and she notices Carver standing closer to him than normal.

            _Cautious… only it should not be me he is cautious of_.

            “I saw you casting spells inside. I should have realized sooner what you really were.”

            Hawke stares at her for a second then tilts his head to the side and smirks. He looks at her like getting a different angle will help him understand her better. She forces her scowl to stay plastered on her face.

            “Tell me, then: What manner of mage are you? What is it that you seek?”

            “I don’t know. What do you _think_ I seek?”

            His head is still tilted and the smirk is still quirking the edge of his lips, like he might smile at her at any moment.

            _Does nothing faze him?_

            “You are skilled- I know that much.”

            “My brother just helped you, elf.”

            _He is right_.

            “I imagine I appear ungrateful. If so, I apologize, for nothing could be further from the truth.”

            “You could show him how grateful you are…” Fenris glares at the woman. “Ooooh, or you could show me, Tiger.”

            _Whore. I wonder how many of Hawke’s companions she’s slept with_.

            “I did not find Danarius, but I still owe you a debt. Here is all the coin I have, as Anso promised.”

            She forces herself to ignore the lude stares from the woman behind Hawke and decides that she will not turn him in to the Templars just yet. If he turns out to not be as honorable as he seems or if he turns to blood magic then at least she will have no further qualms about ending his life.

            “In the future, if you find yourself in need of assistance, I would gladly render it.”

            “You didn’t seem all that thrilled with me a moment ago.”

            _Go with honesty, Fenris_.

            “You are not Danarius. Whether you are anything like him remains to be seen.”

            “Do you think your master will keep chasing you?”

            _Danarius will not stop. You will need Hawke’s help when Danarius decides, again, that he is done waiting to try and reclaim you_.

            “He is too proud not to.” She can feel herself tiring at the knowledge. “Perhaps one day the hunt will cost him more than he is willing to pay, but I doubt that matters any longer.”

            “Your old master seems to want something _more_ than just a runaway slave.”

            _Be careful here, Fenris_.

            “ _Oh_ , he doesn’t want me at _all_ , just the markings on my skin.” She looks down at herself; at her markings. “They are _lyrium_ , _burned_ into my _flesh_ to provide the power that Danarius required of his _pet_.”

            She is surprised to see anger in Hawke’s eyes and pity which fuels her anger.

            _I do not need anyone’s pity_.

            “And now he wishes his precious investment returned, even if he must rip it from my corpse.”

            _Why is he smirking?_

            “Seems like a waste of a perfectly gorgeous elf.”

            _Oh_ …

            “Heh heh… _eh_ _em._ ” She can feel her cheeks and the tips of her ears flaming. “The truth is I know nothing of the ritual that placed these markings on me. It was Danarius’ choice, one he now regrets.”

            “Well, I’ve seen you fight and I’ve seen some of your abilities. I’m planning an expedition I might need help with… if you’d like to come along…”

            “Fair enough.” She lets a smirk pull at the corner of her lips. “Should you ever have need of me, I will be here. If Danarius wishes his mansion back, he is free to return and claim it.”

            _What a surprising human. Though he is a mage, he has taken this whole endeavor with stride, and still wishes to enlist my help. Hmph, maybe he is different… NO… he is still a MAGE, his true intentions will show themselves eventually_.

            “Beyond that, I am at your disposal.”

            “Alright…”

            She stood for a moment, not sure if Hawke wished to speak more, then decided she would go back into the mansion and settle in. She just starts walking to the door when she is interrupted.

            “If you feel like it, we’re headed to the Hanged Man for a few rounds of Wicked Grace. You could join us… _onlyifyouwanttoofcourse_.”

            _How adorable… WHAT? NO!_

            “I think I will pass...” She sees the disappointment written on his face for a moment. “…but, maybe next time.”

            “Alright… well…” Hawke bows to her. “Goodnight, Fenris.”

            _Damn his cockiness_.

            “Goodnight.”

            She walks into the mansion and shuts the door before leaning against it to calm herself. She can’t help but hear them speaking on the other side.

            “Come on, Isabela. Let’s go.”

            “Spoilsport.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter has some parts that insinuate past abuse, past torture, and past rape. There is nothing very descriptive, but I wanted to warn anyone who might be sensitive to those things. (And being sensitive is not a bad thing AT ALL, anyone who has dealt with those things and is still fighting to live their lives, you are a strong ass person in my eyes.)

                Fenris wakes with a start on the floor next to the fireplace, Lethendralis leaning against the mantle, and her hand still holding the grip of her dagger. The fire is nothing but ash and coals and she can feel the cold from the stone lingering in her joints and smothering her bones. She looks around the room she has claimed and scowls.

                _I suppose looking around would be smart_.

                She stands and stretches out her limbs, listening to the pops and cracks of her joints like the sound is her favorite music. She keeps herself from groaning in pleasure, remembering the one and only time she made that mistake in front of Danarius. Memories of her being forced to the ground like a dog and her lyrium markings being ignited until she made that same noise for him and he satisfied himself with her body.

                _Never again will a mage hold that power over me_.

                After braiding her hair and strapping her sword to her back, Fenris descends to the lower level of the mansion to search. She finds a dining room filled with broken tables and candelabras strewn about, and across the hall she finds the kitchen. The larder is salvageable, if only she felt the need to clean it, and the brick oven has seen better days, but other than a door that seems to lead to the cellar, this room is not the one she is searching for.

                _It has to be close by_.

                She finds two more doors and steps into one that must be an armory, at least a small one. She thinks she’ll have to come back to this room and see if anything is worth taking, but the last door must be the room she was seeking and before she goes to the door she grabs a small dagger from a dusty shelf. She opens the door to the lavatory and scrunches her nose instantly. The smell tries to overwhelm her, her determination wins out instead. She hadn’t taken a bath the night before and she could only imagine what her hair looked like, filled with ichor as it was. She could go and make a fire in the kitchen to heat up some water, but cold water would work just the same. Most of the mirror against one of the walls is shattered on the floor, but enough is intact for what she needs.

                _It’ll be much easier to clean after this_.

                She can feel herself growing irritated at her own hesitation. She uses her anger at memories of un-calloused hands combing through her hair and braiding it down her back to push aside the hesitation. She grabs a random chunk of her silky white hair and takes the dagger from the armory to it. The first cut is the toughest, but after the cut hair has fallen to the floor all Fenris can feel at her reflection is elation.

                _No more braids_.

                She could have used her own dagger to cut her hair, but having to use the dull blade from one of Danarius’ pet merchant’s feels almost cathartic. She finds herself laughing as the last of the cut hair falls from her hands. With her lithe elfin physique most will probably mistake her for a man. The shorn sides going almost all the way to the top of her head, but she couldn’t bring herself to part with her bangs that hang in front of her eyes.

                Feeling satisfied with her new hair cut she leaves the lavatory in search of a well to get the water she would need to rinse her hair. She enters back into the common room and ignores the remnants of the shades from the night before as she makes her way to a side entrance she found last night. There was a path she hadn’t felt like following at the time, but maybe with the light of the sun she could see if it led to a well.

                _Just a quick rinse to get rid of the last of that ichor_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke wasn’t really sure what possessed him to walk all the way to Hightown to come see Fenris. The only things he had planned for the day involved returning a few lost items that belonged to different people living in Kirkwall. He supposed he could just say he wanted to show her around the city, but he figured she probably knew it as well as he did.

                _She hates mages, why even waste your time? Well… she doesn’t seem to HATE mages, per say, just a deep dislike and distrust. You could show her we’re not all like Danarius._

                He stands in front of the door to her mansion and raises his hand to knock, but he hesitates, still unsure if he should even bother her. He spends another minute raising and lowering his hand from knocking at her door and he knows he probably looks like a fool to anyone who may be watching him.

                _Screw it_.

                Raising his hand, Hawke finally knocks on the door to the rundown mansion and waits. Maybe just coming to check on her is reason enough, he thinks, then images of a mysterious magister coming to take her back flood his mind and before he’s even thought about his actions he’s walking in the door. The mansion still looks like a tornado blew through it, ichor from all the shades still covers the floor and part of the walls, but Hawke can’t tell if any is new or if it all belongs to their fight together.

                _Are those our footprints or are they new?_

                Hawke just walks into the small hallway leading to the common area when someone grabs him from behind and he feels a slight stabbing pain under his left arm.

                “ _Bad idea, mage_.”

                _Mmmm… why does her hand feel so good against my throat?_

                “Speak, before I acquaint my dagger with your heart.”

                “Sorry… I didn’t mean to startle you… I knocked… I was… just in the neighborhood… thought I’d see if you needed anything… then I thought… maybe… that that Danarius fellow came back… and I thought you might need saving…”

                _Shut up Elliot, just shut up already!_

                “ _Me… need saving?_ ”

                “Yes… well, I never said I was smart… just sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong… it’s a wonder that I haven’t been knifed by a woman like you already.”

                She lets Hawke go and actually laughs and Hawke is disappointed, but also glad she no longer holds him because he shivers from the sound and his groin grows uncomfortably tight in his smalls.

                _Maker’s breath, what do I gotta do to get her to laugh like that again?_

                Hawke turns around to look at her and he finds he can’t speak for a moment. He finds she still looks the same as the night before except her ears are more pronounced since her hair is cut so short, and is currently dripping water down her face and neck.

                “ _You cut your hair?_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

               

                “Yes.”

                She tries to ignore the oddly pleasant tingling in her hand that held his throat.

                “It’s... different.”

                _Observant as ever_.

                “That would be the point.”

                “Haha, yes, I… like I said… not smart.”

                She rolls her eyes and walks past Hawke to the common room, not even checking to see if he follows. She hadn’t brought a towel on her search for the well and the water from her rinse was causing her armor to stick to her skin, irritating her lyrium markings. Adding to her irritation, she had thought Danarius had in fact come for her when she felt Hawke’s magic near the mansion, only then to realize it was not Danarius, but the _not smart_ human instead.

                _I could have so easily killed him, the fool_.

                “So why _did_ you cut it?”

                She remembers fingers running through long hair, pulling it tight so her head cannot move, and a voice telling her she enjoys it.

                “My reasons are my own, mage.”

                “Hawke.”

                “What?”

                “My name… its Hawke.”

                “Are you not also a mage?”

                “Yes… but that’s not _who_ I am.”

                _That is what they all claim, until they are offered more power_.

                “That remains to be seen.”

                “Alright then…”

                Fenris continues into the room she slept in and goes about putting wood from the furniture around the mansion into the fireplace. She decides after a few moments hesitation to remove her sword from her back to lean it against the mantle of the fireplace again. It takes her a few tries, but she soon has the wood burning.

                “It looks good.”

                _O… kay_.

                “Have you not seen fire before?”

                “What? _NO_ … I meant… I mean your hair… _yourhairlooksgood_.”

                She tries to convince herself that the flush to her cheeks is from the fire, but she cannot lie to herself.

                _Maybe he was dropped as an infant? Or he merely hits on anything that walks on two legs, has tits and has a cunt between her legs._.

                “Hmm.”

                “Anyways… no saving needed, but maybe you need something? I mean… _do_ you need anything?”

                After grabbing a towel, she starts to dry her hair and the water running down her neck. She is about to tell him that she is not in need of anything when her stomach decides to groan and whine as though it were dying. The smile that forms on Hawke’s face causes her to scowl.

                “Are you hungry?”

                “I am fine.”

                “Are you sure?”

                “Yes.”

                “I could show you the way to the Hanged Man and get you a bowl of their mystery meat stew…”

                “I can take care of myself.”

                “Do you have coin?”

                “I do not need your help.”

                "Everyone needs help sometimes."

                _This one is not going to give in Fenris, just tell him you have food_.

                “DO NOT CONCERN YOURSELF, _MAGE_.”

                The look on his face shouldn’t affect her so, but she feels guilty none the less.

                “I… I am sorry… I…”

                “Don’t worry about it. Carver always did say I didn’t know when to shut up.”

                “Even so, you did not deserve my anger.”

                “If you’d like, you could accompany me into the city as I deliver some things? You could look intimidating and I could pay you for the favor.”

                _I do need the coin if I plan to stay in Kirkwall, and maybe I can pick up a job or two while I’m out_.

                “Fair enough.”

 

* * *

 

 

                A few days pass before Hawke shows up at the mansion again and Fenris finds herself not feeling so irritable at the company. She walks back up to her room after letting Hawke in and puts away her oils and her rag that she uses to care for her sword. The smell permeates the room and Fenris finds it comforting.

                “Is there something I can do for you?”

                “Not at the moment. I only wanted to talk about this expedition I am joining and to see if you would be interested in accompanying me and a few of my other friends when we go?”

                “Is it correct to assume that this expedition is going to be heading into the Deep Roads?”

                “Yes… I hope that isn’t a problem… I mean… if you don’t feel like going that's fine… it’s just… _Varric_ … the dwarf from the other night… his _brother_ is leading it, and I'm sure there will be some darkspawn, so him and I will be staying out of any hand to hand, him using his crossbow and me being a _mage_ and all. Plus, my brother will probably completely disown me if I leave him behind, but I figured… it… can’t hurt to have another warrior along?”

                “I suppose that would be wise.”

                _This better pay well. I could use the coin_.

                “So that means you’ll join us?”

                “If that is what you wish.”

                “It is.”

                _Why must he smile at me like that? All teeth, and reaching his eyes so quickly that I can’t doubt his sincerity._

                “A toast then. Do you drink wine?”

                “Am I going to get drunk?”

                “That depends on how much you drink.”

                _Is he serious?_

                “Then yes, wine sounds great.”

 

* * *

 

 

                _Am I going to get drunk? Smooth, real smooth. You are the epitome of what it is to be an idiot, Elliot_.

                After Fenris has gone to find the wine in the cellar, Hawke looks around the room she seems to have commandeered. He notices the bed has been broken down and added to a pile of wood that she must have for the fire and he wonders where she sleeps, if not on the bed? Then he can’t seem to stop the images he’s had run through his head before of her naked, but now laying on a bed staring at him… and instead of hate or irritation in her eyes there is lust and desire.

                _Knock it off. Fenris is going to walk back in here and your dick is going to embarrass you_.

                Hawke can’t seem to stop it from straining against his smalls and no matter how hard he tries, the image of her eyes continues to fill his mind. He stands quickly and readjusts himself so his arousal is not so noticeable.

                _Just don’t stand up_.

                “Agreggio Pavali. There are six bottles in the cellar.”

                _Yep, don’t stand up_.

 

* * *

 

 

                “Danarius used to have me pour it for his guests. My appearance intimidated them, he said, which he enjoyed.”

                _Their touching would not start until a few glasses had been consumed_.

                “I can’t imagine why they would be put off.”

                _Well… that’s…_

                “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

                She pulls the cork from the bottle with a finger of one of her pointed gauntlets and takes a swig straight from the bottle. She knows Danarius would have tortured her for that act of barbarianism, but she can’t seem to care, being so far from him. After she swallows a few large mouthfuls she holds one last mouthful in her mouth and forgets she offered some to Hawke as she hurtles the bottle at the wall.

                _Eat your heart out, Danarius. Or better yet, let me rip it out for you_.

                “You could have filled me a glass first, you know.”

                She isn’t sure what spurs on her lunacy, but she pulls her gauntlets off as she saunters over to where Hawke sits. She stands behind him and, again, she feels herself enjoying the tingling sensation pulsing through her hands at touching his skin, as she slowly pulls his head as far back as she can. She looks into his teal eyes as she cups his cheek with one hand and pulls on his jaw with the other, telling him without _telling him_ , to open his mouth for her. His pupils dilate until there is only a small ring of color, and his throat bobs loudly as her hand holds his strong bearded jaw still. She hovers above his opened cupid's bow lips and drains the wine from her mouth into his. His eyes haven’t left hers and she feels flames erupt throughout her body; the strongest of them all igniting in her core.

                _What is wrong with you? What are you doing? Have you forgotten he's a mage?_

                “There’s more in the cellar, if you’re really interested.”

                _Do not even start on this path, Fenris, it will lead you nowhere good_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been my longest one so far (I know, there are only 3 chapters so far), but I hope you all enjoyed it and don't worry, I plan to put the rest of this scene in the next chapter :D and the way this is going I'm guessing this is going to turn into a beast of a fanfic :D and as always, if anyone notices any mistakes or things that just don't fit please let me know :D
> 
> P.S. I changed the first chapter cause I completely forgot that Fenris can't read yet, so I had to take out the missive part, and I've also been imagining Fenris' voice to sound like Angelina Jolie :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finishes up from the last chapter and goes into Fenris' first night of Wicked Grace.

                Fenris clears her throat and removes her hands from Hawke’s face as though they were burned. She moves away from him, keeping her eyes down, and hopes that she hasn’t over-stepped or ruined her chances for help against Danarius.

                _Think of something, you idiot. Change the subject, just… DO SOMETHING!_

                “Perish the thought. How else would you redecorate the walls?”

                _Umm_.

                “Heh heh… hmmm. I’ve wanted to leave my past behind me, but it won’t stay there.”

                Walking a little further away from him, Fenris sits on a bench across from Hawke and glances at him for a second. She reaches her hand up and scratches her scalp before she decides to speak again.

                “So, you’re from Ferelden?”

                “Yes, though my mother is from Kirkwall.”

                “Have you ever thought of returning to Ferelden?”

                “I have no home left to return to.”

                “The Blight is over. You could rebuild what you’ve lost. Do you truly not want to?”

                “I have to admit, it’s an attractive idea.”

                She can hear in his voice that he has thought of it many times before, but she can also hear the resignation in his voice.

                _His mother is from Kirkwall. He must be close with her to decide to stay in the city_.

                “But not now… I understand.”

                _If only I could remember_.

                “Still, to have the option… must be gratifying.”

                “You’ve… been on the run a long time then?”

                “Three years, now.”

                Hawke opens his mouth to speak, but closes it as though he thought better of whatever he planned to say. She can feel herself sag as she finally voices her fears.

                “Danarius has a way of finding me- perhaps it is the markings? Whatever the means, it never takes him long to follow.”

                _You are not alone now… until this mage betrays you, or decides that he will refuse to help you further… you’ve been alone this long, you can keep doing it… but you know you don’t want to any longer, so why do you keep telling yourself that?_

                “This is the first time I’ve given him reason to pause. I suppose there are advantages in numbers.”

                “Have you never sought help before?”

                _HA! Help… right… worthless, insufferable_ …

                “Hirelings when I could steal the coin. Never anyone of substance- until you… Danarius will not give up, however. I await his return.”

                “What if he does give up?”

                _Never_.

                “Then I will go to him. I will not live with a wolf at my back.”

                “Sounds like the right idea.”

                _That is promising_.

                “You know, if you’re looking to start a life… you… could _stay_.”

                “Yes… I suppose I could see myself staying… for the right reasons.”

                _Nonononono… say something else, don’t let him think about what you did earlier with the wine_.

                “I should thank you again for helping me against those hunters. Had I known Anso would find me a man so capable, I might have asked him to look sooner.”

                _What? Wait… that came out wrong_ …

                “Maybe _I_ should be thanking Anso.”

                “Maybe you _should_.”

                _You… are… STUPID_ …

                “Perhaps I’ll practice my flattery for your next visit. With any luck I’ll have become better at it.”

                “My… next _visit_ … yes, that… _yes_.”

                Fenris stands and Hawke follows her down to the door leaving her mansion. She opens the door and notices Hawke hesitate for only a moment before he nods his head and smiles as he leaves. After closing the door she shakes her head and walks back to her room to retrieve Lethendralis before she heads to the Lavatory to take a bath.

                _If you play this right, you can use his attraction for you to compel him to stick around and help you… if he tries to take it further… well… you know how to take care of yourself_.

 

* * *

 

 

                The next time that Wicked Grace Night came around Hawke finally convinced Fenris to join them. He wanted her to meet his friends and to get her out of that horrid mansion. She informed him that she needed no escort and could find it on her own, but that she would, in fact, show up this time. That is how Hawke found himself sitting at the bar waiting for Corff to pour him another drink, when she finally walked in.

                “Nevermind, Corff. Just have Norah come grab our order.”

                Hawke didn’t wait to see if he heard him or not and started walking towards Fenris as she scanned the tavern. He noticed she wore all of her armor and that her sword was strapped to her back still. He would never believe that a woman, and an elf at that, could manage to wield a sword that large if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes. Fenris noticed him approach her and she did one final scan of the room before she looked back to him.

                “So this is The Hanged Man?”

                “ _In all its glory_.”

                Hawke heard her grunt before he nodded for her to follow him. He walked through the crowd, feeling the pleasant pulsing of her lyrium markings, and noticed quite a few men eyeing her appreciatively. He couldn’t help but scowl and wonder if it made her uncomfortable and he felt a pang of guilt at bringing her out.

                _Apologize_.

                “Sorry about all the staring… _drunken louts_ … but at least we’ll be in Varric’s suite.”

                “I am accustomed to the staring.”

                Hawke still couldn’t shake the guilt, though now because she had to grow accustomed to it in the first place. He hoped that this night wouldn’t keep her from coming out again, but he had to try. He knew almost everyone was already here so he wouldn’t have to introduce her to every one of his friends one at a time. He wanted her to feel welcome amongst his friends.

                _Maybe they would become reasons for her to stay_.

 

* * *

 

 

                She couldn’t help but continually scan the crowd of patrons for anyone that might decide to pose a threat to her or Hawke. She could ignore the lude stares as long as the person held no threat. As they came to a small set of stairs she decided that most of the people were only trying to drown their own problems with ale and not slavers or hunters lying in wait for an elven slave with white hair and markings covering her entire body. She still couldn’t bring herself to completely let her guard down and relax, but that had been what kept her alive and on the run for three years.

                _Let your guard down and you’re as good as dead… or worse_.

                Hawke stood before a cloth separating a mix a voices from the hall they stood in and the rest of the tavern. Fenris heard a few voices she vaguely recognized and a few she didn’t, but she had only a second to process it before Hawke lifted the cloth and moved for her to walk in the suite. The pleasant smell of polishing oils glides over her and she closes her eyes for a brief second to enjoy it. She walks into the suite and stops to study the room. There are bookshelves scattered everywhere throughout the space and all of them packed with books, papers, and various other trinkets. Straight into the room is a large table that Hawke’s companions are surrounding and to her right is an open area with a large statue, a few barrels and a large area rug.

                _Surprisingly cozy_.

                “Hawke… we thought you’d gotten lost out there.”

                _Varric, I think his name is_ …

                “Just letting Corff know to send Norah up, and Fenris walked in.”

                “ _What happened to your beautiful hair_ , Tiger?”

                _First it’s kitten. Now I’m tiger?_

                “It is not your concern.”

                “Everyone, this is Fenris. Fenris, you’ve already met Varric…”

                _The dwarf_.

                “… and also, Isabela…”

                “Previously _Captain_ Isabela…”

                _Must be a pirate… there’s no way a woman who talks and dresses like that works aboard a respectable ship_.

                “Yes, and without a ship _blahblahblah_ …”

                “Spoilsport.”

                “Anyways. You’ve met my brother Carver.”

                “Hello.”

                _Hmph_.

                “This is Merrill.”

                “Oh, another of the Elvhen. Oh, and your markings don’t look like any vallaslin that I’ve ever seen… they’re beautiful… how did they make them white? You’re from Tevinter? Isabela mentioned it… I’m sorry, I’m rambling again. It’s very nice to meet you… I’m Merrill… and he already said that… sorry.”

                As Fenris and Hawke walk closer to the table she can smell an array of different aromas and as a familiar smell strikes her nose her hackles raise. She turns around quickly to see if Danarius is behind her, or some other blood mage, but only the door to the suite sits behind her. Hawke looks at her worriedly, asking her with his furrowed brow and silent stare what’s wrong.

                “I can smell… _blood magic_ … I just thought that… _Danarius_.”

                “Oh…”

                _Why is everyone looking at_ …

                “ _SHE_ is a _BLOOD_ _MAGE_? And you let her _live_?”

                Fenris notices everyone’s eyes widen and she knows her markings are flaring. She feels herself shaking with anger and keeps herself from phasing her hand through the blood mage’s chest so that she can hear what Hawke’s possible excuse is.

                “I only use my own blood… no one else’s… I’m not dangerous.”

                _Does she believe I am that stupid? Or is SHE that stupid?_

                “Do not speak to me, _witch_.”

                “Well, that’s not very polite, is it?”

                _A daft witch… Hawke can’t truly believe she is harmless_ …

                “Don’t call her a _witch_ , her _name_ is Merrill. _Why_ did you invite her again, Brother?”

                “If you want to leave, then leave, Carver.”

                “Why should I leave? I think _she_ should leave.”

                “I _invited_ her here.”

                “Oh will you two _SHUT UP_?”

                “Sorry, Ave.”

                Fenris stops glaring at the blood mage and calms her markings to look at the redhead sitting next to her. She can tell the woman has a presence that demands respect, and it seems everyone around the table gives it to her willingly.

                “My name is Aveline Vallen.”

                _She stands… to greet ME?_

                “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

                “She is a member of the guard.”

                _I think she and I will get along just fine_.

                “Anders is not here yet.”

                _Hmmm_.

                Hawke moves towards the table and sits in the seat at the foot of the table, directly across from Varric. There is an empty seat near the pirate and another next to the blood mage.

                _Pirate it is_.

                “Yes, sit over here. Isabela’ll protect you, Tiger.”

                _UGH!_

                “My name means _Little Wolf_. Not tiger.”

                “Mmmm, but I bet you’re a _Tiger_ in the _sheets_.”

                _Why am I here?_

                “Who’s a tiger in the sheets?”

                _This must be the one Hawke calls Anders_.

                “Last one here buys first round, Blondie.”

                “Come on. You know I run a _free_ clinic for the helpless refugees in Darktown.”

                “Rules are rules, and don’t forget to get our new broody friend here a drink too.”

                _Broody? I do not brood_.

                “New friend?”

                “Anders, this is Fenris. Fenris, this is Anders.”

                She pulls her eyes away from Hawke to look at Anders and feels herself instantly tense when she notices the appreciation in his eyes- as though it was more than just him staring at her. She doesn’t smile, but she nods her head in acknowledgement. Anders smiles at her shyly and Fenris forces herself not to roll her eyes.

                _Men_.

                “Alright… first round of drinks _coming up_.”

                She can see Hawke watching her as she watches the rest of his friends during their conversations. Her ears and cheeks blush deeply, but she keeps her stoic expression in place, even as her heart drums a little faster.

                _You are not a young girl, Fenris. He is not the first man to show appreciation of your physical qualities, nor will he be the last. What is so different about this one?_

                “First round of drinks…”

                “Finally!”

                “Not _that one_ , Isabela. That is for our new friend.”

                “What’s so special about that one?”

                Fenris raises her brow, curious as well, and watches as Isabela lifts the pint to her lips and takes a small drink. She sees the pirate’s own brow lift and a smirk forms on her face.

                “A glass of Corff’s _best_? _Really_? You’ve never bought a pint for _me_ …”

                “I have too…”

                “Sweet Thing, I’d remember if a man bought me a pint of this ale… sweet cherry, with a hint of honey…”

                _Ugh, honey and cherry?_

                “I’ll trade you, Pirate. I cannot stomach sweet, and ale is meant for one thing and one thing only.”

                “A woman after my own heart.”

                “Just keep your hands to yourself, or you’ll find yourself missing a vital organ.”

                “Mmmm, do you promise to do that fisting thing you do on me?”

                _Do not even give her the pleasure of an answer_.

                “Alright, Rivaini, leave the glowing elf alone.”

                _Sound advice_.

                “Is _that_ … _lyrium_?”

                Fenris cranks her neck so quickly to look at Anders that she knows it’ll be sore later. She doesn’t say a word and as she looks at his eyes again she has the same feeling as before. She knows there is something more to him, and she’s sure it isn’t anything good.

                _How does he know it is lyrium in my markings?_

                “AMAZING… I could feel it as soon as you ignited them.”

                _Only a mage can FEEL the lyrium in my markings… Maker save me, I’m SURROUNDED BY MAGES!_

                She begins to growl and turns her glare to Hawke. She isn’t sure if she feels more inclined to start killing them all or walking out of the tavern and declaring that she would take on Danarius herself. She’s not sure why she is surprised that Hawke would have so many mages in his company considering that he himself is a mage.

                “ _Another mage?_ ”

                “Magic is a gift from the Maker.”

                Fenris completely ignores Anders and waits while Hawke sighs and drops his head in his hands. She continues to glower at him as he lifts his head, looks at her pleadingly and scratches his beard nervously.

                “Please. They are _not_ your enemy… _I_ am not your enemy.”

                “Mages always proclaim the same thing. You should all be in the circle to protect the people of this city from your curse and to protect yourselves from it as well.”

                She can’t sit near them any longer, so she rises from her seat and leaves the suite without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chapter took so long. I've been feeling out of it, while taking my kids to appointments all week, then trying to decorate for Halloween, plus starting a new career adventure... yea... I've been a little busy, but I hope you enjoy the chapter and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this fic and a big thank you to those who have left Comments and Kudos :D I appreciate it more than you know.
> 
> P.S. I will hopefully have the next chapter up in the next week :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First glimpse of Sebastian and the start of his quests.

                _I should leave Kirkwall and find another place to stand my ground against Danarius. Hawke will not help me after the things I said and now I am sure he will just make it easier for Danarius to recapture me. It would be for the best_.

                She was slowly gathering her things to leave when she heard the door to the mansion creak open and soft footsteps walking through the hall. She removed her sword from her back and was ready to phase and kill the intruder when she felt his magic. She refastened Lethendralis to her back and walked to the balcony with a scowl on her face as Hawke entered the common room below her.

                “Do you have a death wish?”

                “I’m sorry…”

                _Ugh. Vishante kaffas, this man drives me to insanity_.

                “It is fine… I felt your magic before you even made it through the hallway.”

                “You… _felt_ it? I mean… that’s convenient… but… that’s not… that’s not why I was apologizing.”

                _What else could he need to apologize for?_

                “Then what?”

                Fenris watched as Hawke rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled his feet. She could recognize nervousness and agitation easily enough. She instantly tensed and scanned the room.

                _Did he sell me out?_

                “I am sorry for the other night… at The Hanged Man… I didn’t mean to bombard you with my friends… I only wanted to introduce you and I _completely_ ruined it and I _know_ you hate mages, and I don’t blame you _one bit_. I’m _stupid_ … _and_ … I’m sorry.”

                She silently studied him to see if he was lying or being deceptive in any way, but she could only see honesty in his eyes as he looked at her.

                “I do not _hate_ mages… well… it seems _not all_ mages, at least.”

                She sighed heavily and nodded her head for him to come up. He smiled tentatively and started towards the stairs. Fenris walked back into her room and grabbed a bottle of wine from the table before she sat in front of the fire. Hawke walked in a moment later and she knew he was noticing the empty bottles scattered over the floor before he glanced at the bottle of wine in her hand.

                _I do not care what he thinks!_

                “I should also apologize for the other night…”

                “It’s not necessary. Really.”

                “I would like to put it behind us… if we are able.”

                “It is behind us… let us speak of it no more.”

                “Do your companions feel the same?”

                “I’m sure Merrill has already forgotten, and Anders bothered me with questions about you the rest of the night. Carver is probably the only one who is still put off, but he’ll get over it.”

                _And here I thought he was the reasonable one when I first met him_.

                “That is… good to know…”

                “Honestly, I think Anders is a little more interested in you than just idle curiosity…”

                She tipped back the wine bottle and swallowed three large mouthfuls before she looked at him. He seemed to be gauging her reaction as much as she was his. She couldn’t stop the mirthless laugh that escaped her.

                “I am sure he is…”

                _His interest will go unanswered_.

                “Too bad I do not find blondes attractive.”

                “Yes… that _is_ too bad… for _Anders_.”

                _Indeed_.

                She motions with the hand holding the wine for him to sit. He smiles and after he sits in the chair next to her she hands him the bottle. She watches him as he checks the vintage and smiles as he shrugs and takes a few large swigs. She watches his adams apple bob as he swallows and she too swallows involuntarily.

                _Maybe wine is not such a smart idea at the moment_.

                Hawke hands the bottle back to her and as their hands touch she can feel the pleasant tingling again. She looks at him through her bangs and sees that he feels it too. She had been touched by more mages than she could remember when she was a slave and none ever made her feel like that.

                “Was there anything else you wished to discuss?”

                “Actually, yes... I wanted to see if you would join me on a small errand tomorrow out on the Wounded Coast?”

                _Finally! Something I know how to navigate. Doing something is so much easier than speaking_.

                “I am at your disposal.”

                “Believe me. You are not disposable.”

                _If only I could believe that_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke was glad he had decided to visit Fenris the night before, though he could have done without the headache that accompanied him when he awoke in the morning. They had finished off three bottles before he had stumbled out of her mansion. She had lightly protested about him walking to Lowtown at the hour he had left, but he wasn’t about to let her walk him home then find her way back alone. He knew she wouldn’t have outright objected to him sleeping on her floor, but he didn’t want to make her feel obligated. He knew she enjoyed her solitude.

                _Though it would be nice to see her truly relax… even if it was because she would need to be sleeping_.

                Hawke smiled to himself at the thought. Thankfully Anders and Varric were behind him so they couldn’t see. Anders wouldn’t have been his first choice to join him on this mission, but he and Varric were having a go at seeing who could think of different ways the Knight Commander would meet her untimely death and he didn’t have time to wait until Anders left to ask Varric along. Hawke had to admit to himself he was a bit jealous when he noticed Anders’ reaction to Fenris the other night, but he had felt a wave of pride last night when Fenris had admitted she didn’t have a thing for blondes.

                _Not that it would be possible for either of them to have a real chance with her. We are both mages, after all_.

                They were walking up the last few steps to where Fenris lived when Anders spoke.

                “Fenris lives in Hightown? I thought you were joking, Varric.”

                “Would I joke about something like that? Wait, don’t answer that.”

                “And she...  _lives alone_?”

                “Yes, though I wouldn’t just pop in unannounced… unless you want to lose organs.”

                _And not just by her… NO! DON’T be a jealous creep. You have no right and you know it_.

                “Just wait out here. I’ll check on her.”

                Hawke decided he would at least knock this time before he entered. He gave Fenris about a minute before he opened the door and walked in. If she hadn’t heard the knock, at least after last night, he knew she would recognize his magic. He had been surprised when she had admitted that and he still wasn’t sure if she found it to be a good thing or a bad thing. He hoped for the former.

                “Fenris?”

                “I’m here, Hawke.”

                _That voice… what I wouldn’t give to hear her whisper… STOPSTOPstopstopstop!_

                He watched her walk to the balcony and lean against the banister. She seemed to have just washed her hair since it was damp and clung to her forehead. He couldn’t stop an image of her submerged up to her neck in a bath full of steaming water, using a cloth to wash her naked body. He had to clear his throat before he spoke again.

                “We are ready to head out to the Wounded Coast and I just wanted to see if you still wished to join.”

                “Of course… unless you wished me not to…”

                “ _NO_ … no, I do still wish for you to join me… _I mean_ _US_ … join _us_.”

                _Smooth._

                “Well, let us be on our way. I am ready to leave.”

                “Great.”

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris was not thrilled to see that the mage, Anders, was going to be joining them, but she figured if she was going to keep this alliance with Hawke amiable then she would deal with his companions as best as she could. She would just have to make sure to always keep him in her sights.

                _Mages are great at attacking you when your back is turned_.

                She was just stopping herself from staring at Hawke’s backside when she noticed the commotion near the Chanter’s Board. The Grand Cleric was currently arguing with a man in very white armor and as they drew closer she could make out a little of what they were saying.

                “This is murder.”

                Fenris tensed as the man shot an arrow through a piece of paper the Grand Cleric was holding, pinning it to the Chanter’s Board.

                “No. What happened to my _family_ was murder.”

                After the man turned and walked away she watched as the Grand Cleric shook her head and walked up the stairs to the Chantry. Hawke walked up to the Chanter’s Board and ripped the piece of paper from the arrow and began reading it. His brows stayed furrowed in concentration even after he had finished reading and it seemed Fenris wasn’t the only one curious as to what it said.

                “So, who are we helping now, Hawke?”

                “Apparently the Prince of Starkhaven.”

                “Andraste’s flaming ass… that should pay well.”

                “It seems the Flint mercenary Company has now found itself on our shit list, Varric.”

                “I always did say I felt sorry for anyone who goes against us. Though I’m thinking they deserve what’s about to be coming to them?”

                “Massacring an entire family, down to the last child… _yes_ … I’d say they deserve it.”

                _If you knew the things I’ve done… you’d probably already have handed me over to the nearest slavers_.

                “Well, Oh Fearless Leader, where are we headed to first?”

                “It seems we can kill two birds with one stone. They have been sighted at the Wounded Coast, Sundermount, and also at the docks after nightfall.”

                _I could do with some fighting_.

                “We should stock up on healing potions and lyrium potions for the two of you before we head out.”

                “Fantastic idea, Fenris.”

                She was about to scowl until she realized Hawke hadn’t been jesting. She only just forced herself not to smile as she nodded- pleased that she hadn’t been mocked. She looked down when Hawke winked at her and couldn’t keep her blush from reddening her cheeks and the tips of her ears. She glanced sidelong at Varric- he noticed, of course.

                _Don’t smirk at me like that, Dwarf_.

                She scowled at him until he raised his hands in submission, but she could still see the smirk on his face before he started whistling and turned to follow Hawke out of Hightown.

                _Venhedis!_

                She kept her lyrium markings from flaring, not wanting to startle any of the people in her vicinity, and cracked her neck before she started walking after Hawke.

 

* * *

 

 

                Varric continued to whistle the whole way to the Wounded Coast.

                “ _Dwarf_ , if you continue, I _will_ rip out your _tongue_. See how renowned a _storyteller_ you’ll be after _that_.”

                “ _Shutting up_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to hurry up and get this chapter out before the weekend because I will be very busy and this chapter would have ended up not being finished until the end of next week. So, I have no Beta (if anyone is interested, just let me know), so this is all from me and what I know of the game. I've diverged from the game with some things, but I'm trying to keep it as close as possible. Anyways, I hope you all liked the chapter.
> 
> P.S. I'm basing Anders continued attraction to Fenris off of his continual romance with Hawke in the game when you are rivals.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING*** There is a scene in this chapter that mentions possible attempted rape, so please read with caution.
> 
> Fighting the first group of the Flint Mercenary Company and of course if something can go wrong it does... but not all bad things lead to more bad things...

                Fenris studies Varric for a few minutes in silence. She knows he’s noticed, but she isn’t put off in the slightest. She wonders if he misses Orzammar, or his family, or…

                “Are you going to keep staring, or are you going to ask me about what’s on your mind?”

                “I thought all dwarves had beards. Where’s yours?”

                “I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold plated noble caste pin.”

                _He wants to jest_ … _well_ …

                “I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.”

                “Oh ho! The broody elf tells a joke.”

                _Why does he keep calling me that? I DO NOT BROOD!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris is tired and frustrated after spending hours searching for this Flint Company group on the Coast with Hawke and soon she can’t help but growl every time Hawke suggests they look a little while longer. Even after the few hours spent searching, the day is still hot and humid- add in walking barefoot on sand that’s absorbed the heat of the day as well and she’s ready to rip out organs. She finds the idea of jumping into the water very inviting as well and only keeps herself from succumbing to the idea by remembering that she’ll have a chance after they’ve killed these mercenaries- once they find them.

                “Hawke… we better find these Flint Company mercenaries soon. Broody has been growling for the last hour and its starting to get scary.”

                “ _I don’t brood_.”

                “Friend, if _your_ _brooding_ were any more impressive, men would drop to their knee as you passed. They’d sell their souls to a demon just for the chance to have you carry their broody babies.”

                _What does one even say to that?_

                “You’re a very odd dwarf.”

                “And you thought I was joking about the pin earlier.”

 

* * *

 

 

                It is blessedly only another fifteen minutes before they find the Flint Mercenary Company down a little side path and before they charge in to start killing them Hawke tells them all their plan of action.

                “So, this might not have been a good idea to only bring Fenris for our melee fighter.”

                “Do not fear for me. They are but men.”

                Hawke still couldn’t help but worry for her. He knew she could handle herself- probably better than almost anyone he knew, but in this situation, something could go wrong for any one of them.

                _Maker protect us all_.

                “So, no more growling after this… _promise_ _Broody_?”

                “I make no such _promises_.”

                _No more stalling, Elliot_.

                “Alright, Fenris, I’ll freeze the first few for you, but don’t let them surround you. I know how to fight with my staff, so I can keep any stragglers from getting at Anders and Varric.”

                Fenris nodded her head at him and he moved on to Anders and Varric, but the worry for her wouldn’t leave him.

                “Anders, you stay further back on the path. If any of us are hurt we’ll try and make sure you can get to whoever it may be, otherwise, just hit them with whatever you can, but watch for Fenris.”

                “I will.”

                _If you hit her I’ll_ …

                “Varric, keep an eye on Fenris’ back. Make sure no one stabs us in the back.”

                “ _Got it_ , Hawke. Can we go _kill_ these _idiots_? A few pints are calling my name.”

                “As long as you buy me one too.”

                “How about a wager? Whoever kills the most gets a free pint on me.”

                “ _Agreed!_ ”

                Hawke huffed out a laugh as all of them spoke at the same time. He shook his head then glanced over the ridge of rocks hiding them and tried to count how many there were. He couldn’t get a clear view, but it looked like there were around fourty mercenaries in varying states of ease. Around half were walking around searching the coast for anyone coming near them, some were eating, others looked to be sparring, and some were dozing farther from the path.

                _They’ll take a few moments to get their bearings after waking… that’ll give us some time._

                Hawke looked at his companions and mouthed “ _around fourty_ ” and jerked his head towards the path. He stayed crouched down and slowly made his way to the end of the path. He could feel Fenris near him and along with the tingling sensation of her presence he can feel her keeping the lyrium in her skin from flaring.

                _That’s new_ …

                They make their way to the bottom of the path and as Fenris ignites her lyrium Hawke stands and speaks.

                “Hey Fellas, enjoying the weather?”

                He doesn’t wait for a response before he completely freezes the first few men who run towards them. Fenris yells and phases in front of them before she arcs her blade to shatter their bodies. Hawke admires her for a moment before he focuses and freezes a mercenary's head as he runs towards him. Hawke ignores the man as he falls to the ground, futilely grabbing at his face to remove the ice keeping him from breathing.

                “So Varric… since I froze those guys and then Fenris smashed them, does that count for the both of us?”

                “How about we split it in half… two for you and two for Fenris… gives Blondie a chance to keep up. Heh heh…”

                “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Varric.”

                “No problem, Blondie.”

                “Then I have six so far!”

                _How did she get so many already?_

                “I’m one behind you, better keep on your guard!”

                “I have ten, and if _I_ win then I’ll buy _myself_ a drink for each one of you _losers_!”

                Hawke watches Fenris disembowel two more mercenaries and he smirks- readying an immolate spell, Hawke is about to roast the group waking up, but he doesn’t have a chance.

                Fenris doesn’t notice as one of the mercenary men slides behind her and before Hawke can warn her he’s let an arc of lightning loose from his staff, but right before it hits the mercenary the man grabs Fenris’ shoulder. The bolt hits the man, but the current runs through both him and Fenris.

                _NO!!!_

                Varric shoots a bolt through two men advancing on Fenris’ convulsing form, but Hawke only vaguely notices as he runs towards them and uses a large amount of his remaining mana to encase a group of the mercenaries that are left in flames, the game completely forgotten in his fear for Fenris. Hawke pulls her away from the dead mercenary still clutching her shoulder and begins to listen for a heartbeat. He isn’t sure if he can hear her heart beating or not with Anders and Varric still fighting, but he can’t wait to find out if he’s right.

 

* * *

 

 

                Her body aches all over and her chest feels tight, but she must keep standing.

                “Fenris.”

                _That voice_ …

                “Master?”

                “Come here, my girl.”

                _Please! Not again!_

                She stares at the ground as she walks towards her master and kneels before him as she was taught to do. She doesn’t raise her head because she wasn’t asked to and she doesn’t utter a sound.

                “Turn around.”

                She listens.

                “Such beautiful hair… so white… so pure…”

                He grabs a handful and brings it to his face to smell it before he starts to braid her hair down her back. She continues to listen.

                “…but, you are not pure, are you, Fenris?”

                _Does he wish for me to agree? I do not want to disappoint him._

                She feels him wind her hair between his fingers and he yanks her head back until she sits on her heels and looks at him. She doesn’t make a sound.

                “Your Master asked you a question.”

                “I am not pure, Master.”

                “No… you’re not… my _dirty little wolf_.”

                _Right answer… no beatings… maybe a reward?_

                Her chest still feels tight, like she cannot breathe deeply. She wonders if he has decided to punish her, regardless of her correct answer. She doesn’t get a chance to think more about it.

                “Now… to the bed, my girl… I’m feeling quite tense, and we don’t want that, do we?”

                _No… no.. nonononono_ ….

                “ _NO!_ ”

                The pain in her chest grows and she falls forward onto her hands.

                _Just end me, Danarius_ …

                She closes her eyes, waiting for the pain to finally kill her, only the pain bolts through her and it forces her eyes open. When she opens her eyes, it is not Danarius above her, but someone else.

                _Why are his lips on mine?_

                “ _GET AWAY FROM ME MAGE!_ ”

                “Oh… thank the _Maker_ that worked.”

                _Anders…_

                “What worked?”

                She wipes her mouth and notices they removed her chest plate. She slowly rolls to her side to stand and wavers slightly before she regains her balance. She nods her head in thanks as Hawke hands her chest plate back to her.

                “Hawke may have accidentally, and unintentionally, shocked you… almost to death…”

                _He HIT ME WITH A SPELL?_

                “ _Don’t kill Hawke_ … it was an _accident_ … Hawke hit the mercenary who grabbed you, but not until after his hand was on your shoulder… so the bolt that _killed him_ traveled to you as well… so I had to… to _save_ you.”

                _He saved me_ …

                “Thank you.”

                “I’m just glad you’re alive.”

                _Stop blushing, mage_.

                “Can we be done with this place?”

                “Yes, we’re done here. We’ll grab Carver when we get back to Kirkwall and take out the Flint Company mercenaries squatting at the docks… you should go home and take it easy.”

                _That place will never be my home… it will always be my mast… NO… Danarius is not my master… that was only a dream Fenris… he is in Minrathous… you are here_ …

                Fenris watches Anders and Varric start walking and an image of Anders’ lips on hers comes to her and she can’t stop herself from wiping her mouth again. She feels fluttering in her stomach as she notices Hawke smirk.

                She glances at him quickly and notices the smirk is already gone, as though it had never existed, and now his brows are furrowed and he looks as though someone had died.

                “I’m so sorry, Fenris… it really was an accident… I would never intentionally hurt you… ever.”

                _Oh_ …

                “It was an accident.”

                _Wait… how am I not furious with him?_

                “Wait… no _“you should be in the circle”_ speech… no _“I’m going to rip your heart out”_?”

                She can’t help but laugh. That does sound like her, she thinks, but she can’t find it in herself to do either. She genuinely smiles at him before she starts after their other companions.

                _I need some wine and some sleep… that’s all_ …

                “Hmmph.”

                She hears Hawke and she smiles to herself. She is certain she is still more surprised by her own reaction than he is.

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke can’t stop from smiling off and on the whole walk back to Kirkwall. He still feels horrid for almost killing Fenris. If Anders hadn’t been there, well, Hawke found he didn’t ever want to see Fenris so still and pale. He is scared when he realizes that he knows he would raze all of Thedas to the ground if anything happened to her and he would make damn sure that he never hurt her again- even accidentally.

                _You’re getting in too deep… she may not want to rip your heart out now, but that doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t trust mages, and how would you ever expect to start a relationship with her if she can’t trust you?_

                The image of Anders pushing him away from Fenris and watching him using his magic to check on her before he put his lips to hers and Hawke saw red again. Varric had pulled him away the first time, seeing Hawke’s reaction, and told him Anders was only trying to save her. He had helped him remove her chest plate so he could use small amounts of electricity to jolt her heart. Hawke had noticed her markings swirling down a slit in the front of her armor that opened all the way down to her belly button. He couldn’t imagine the pain it had caused her to receive those.

                _Danarius will die a painful death for that_.

                Hawke asked Varric to head over to Gamlen’s and pick up Carver and that he would walk Fenris home. Anders said he needed to pick up more lyrium potions and told Fenris he would stop by her mansion tomorrow to check on her. Hawke scowled even though he knew it was a good idea.

                _I am not a competent healer… at least not enough to know what to check for_ … _or I would insist on doing it myself_.

                “Too bad _you_ could not just check on me tomorrow… I do not feel comfortable with him after today.”

                _Is she… did she just?_

                “I could come by _with_ him, if you would feel more comfortable?”

                “As comfortable as I _can_ feel with two mages.”

                _Right… it’s not trust… its necessity… STUPID!_

                They walk in silence the rest of the way to her mansion. Hawke would normally enjoy the quiet, since Gamlen’s little hovel was rarely quiet with Carver and Gamlen always fighting and Mother always sighing, but he feels like he should apologize more for putting Fenris in this position in the first place. They make it to her front door and Hawke still can’t find the words to say how sorry he is to her.

                “Fenris…”

 

* * *

 

 

                “Goodnight, Hawke.”

                She knows he is about to apologize again and all she really wants is to find a bottle of wine, maybe take it into the bath with her then fall asleep in front of the fireplace and forget the whole day. He closes his mouth and stares at her with the apology she wouldn’t let him voice. She smiles at him again, trying to convey through her eyes that she knows.

                “Goodnight, Fenris.”

                She expects him to turn and leave, but he slowly walks towards her, his eyes never leaving hers, and he reaches for her hand. He unclasps her gauntlet without looking away from her and as the tingling sensation returns, she watches in silent rapture as he lifts her now unarmored hand and lightly kisses her knuckles. The jolt of electricity that shoots through her is alike and completely different than the accidental one she felt earlier that day. Stealing away her breath and stopping her heart for a moment, but it is anything but painful and like lightning it burns her down to her core.

                _Vishante kaffas…Maker's breath... Fasta vass… Andraste's flaming knickers... VENHEDIS!!!_

                She knows that he noticed her reaction, but before he shows any sort of outward emotions he releases her hand, that now holds her own gauntlet, and walks away.

                _Oh no_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter just wouldn't leave me alone until I finally wrote it down, so if there are any mistakes please just let me know and I'll fix them :D I hope you all are enjoying the story so far and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint (its my first real fight scene). And as always, thank you to all of you who have commented/left kudos/bookmarked/or just plain took the time to read my fic :D I appreciate it immensely :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Officially meeting Sebastian, and a little girl talk between Fenris and Isabela.

                “There’s Prince Vael. I’ll let him know we took care of the Flint Mercenary Company for him.”

                Hawke had already looked away as Fenris nodded her head. He had come to get her just a few minutes before so that she could claim her part of the bounty. She had protested that she had only helped with the first group, but Hawke only said that his brother’s share would go towards the expedition and she still deserved her share of the coin. It had been three days since Hawke accidentally electrocuted her and two since him and Anders had stopped by the mansion to give her a clean bill of health. Thankfully Hawke had not mentioned the kiss from the night before. She wasn’t even sure what she would say to him.

                She looked at Hawke as he spoke to the Prince and listened to them both for a moment before their words made sense.

                “… My post to the Chanter’s Board? Her Grace let that stay? I thought for sure no one even read… but… you say you’ve _killed_ them?”

                Fenris watched and listened silently as Hawke nodded his head. She had heard from Hawke and Anders about their encounter with the mercenaries after Hawke walked her home. They had been about as large a group as on the coast, but Isabela had convinced Varric to let her go instead of him so they left the fight with only minor scratches and bruises.

                Hawke was proudly sporting a bruise on his cheek. Fenris had chuckled as he animatedly told her how he had taken an elbow to the face so that he could knock the feet out from under his target and shove his staff through the man’s chest. He had thought she would have approved of the bruise and the fact that he hadn’t needed to use magic to kill him.

                He didn’t need to know that she _did_ approve.

                “You have my eternal gratitude, serah! It is comforting to think my parents might now rest easily in their graves.”

                She, Varric, Anders and Isabela had moved closer to Hawke as they spoke and Fenris noticed Sebastian assessing her as she did him.

                _Such pretty armor… I wonder if he wears it for decoration… though his bow does seem to be weathered from use_.

                She notices Hawke watching her and she ignores the flash of emotion in his eyes as she lifts her moss colored eyes back to the piercing blue eyes of the prince.

                “Who are you, exactly?”

                _Why would he ask that? We already know who he is_ …

                “I am Sebastian Vael, prince of Starkhaven.”

                Fenris finds herself tilting her head as Prince Vael huffs exasperatedly.

                “Her Grace might prefer I introduce myself as a brother in the Chantry… but I could not stay after what happened to my family.”

                _I can’t imagine what that loss would feel like… I suppose I should be grateful that I don’t, but I can only envy that he even has memories of his family… I would give anything to remember_ …

                “Starkhaven? Isn’t that where the circle tower just burned down?”

                _Mages_ …

                “Yes. I believe that was part of the same strike against my family.”

                _Great… another mage sympathizer?_

                “In one instant, we lost our mages, our Templars- everyone my parents used to call on for protection.”

                Fenris watched as Hawke tilted his head the same way she had. The look on his face saying, before he’s even spoken, that he’s skeptical of the man before him.

                “Why didn’t your family’s enemies hunt you down, as well?”

                _Are you a little more cautious than you normally let on, Hawke, or is there something about this prince that I have missed?_

                “That’s why I took the offensive. Thanks to you, those Flint Company assassins are no longer a danger.”

                _Smart_.

                “I’m the last of my line. Unless I survive, my family will have no justice.”

                “Who sent these mercenaries?”

                “My family has ruled Starkhaven for six generations. We have enemies, but none who would identify themselves openly.”

                Fenris could feel the agitation and frustration rolling off of him in waves. She watched as he stared at nothing, possibly considering who could be responsible.

                “A distant cousin of mine is claiming rulership now, but he is… a bit simple. He can be no more than a pawn in this plot.”

                Hawke seems to finally deflate, sensing that Prince Vael is being genuine. She watches stoically as Hawke ends his questioning.

                “If it’s of any consolation, I hope their deaths bring you peace.”

                “Thank you… _more_ than I can say. I truly did not expect anyone but me to take up this cause.”

                “If you stuck around long enough I think you’d find, like the rest of Hawke’s companions have, that he cannot help himself but to help those in need.”

                _Are you complimenting him?_

                She keeps her eyes on the prince as they both stare at her. She might have laughed if she hadn’t been serious, with Hawke looking more like an owl as his eyes grew as large as saucers. The prince smiles slightly before turning back to Hawke.

                “Consider this an advance. When I have secured my lands again, you will be paid royally.”

                His smile disappears as he hands Hawke their payment and his shoulders droop as he sighs.

                “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must meet with the viscount and petition for aid to a fellow city.”

                Hawke turns towards the doors that exit the Chantry as the prince walks further in. After exiting he hands them each a sovereign and she notices that he has only a sovereign for himself and Carver combined as he tosses the pouch that held them only moments before to the ground.

                _I wonder if he is close to having enough for the expedition._

                “Well… if we’re done here, Bianca and I have a date scheduled in my suite that involves some private conversation and polishing oil, and I dare not stand her up… I’ll see you all later.”

                Fenris smirked as her head shook from side to side. She knew she would never understand that dwarf and his obsession with his crossbow.

                “I should be going as well… should you have need of me for anything, you know where I’ll be.”

                Fenris looked at each of them before she started walking away. Isabela apparently felt like joining her.

                “Would you mind some company, Tiger?”

                _Venhedis!_

                “I suppose not… just keep your hands to yourself.”

                “ _Hmph_! _You’re_ no fun.”

                Fenris only rolled her eyes as she headed away from a doe-eyed Anders and a smirking Hawke.

                _I need a drink of wine… or maybe the entire bottle_.

 

* * *

 

 

                “Do you think that Sebastian fellow was telling the truth?”

                “I wasn’t sure at first, but I think he was telling us the truth.”

                Hawke couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have your whole family slaughtered. He remembered what it felt like to lose Bethany and it still caused his chest to tighten and his throat to close. Beth and he had been closer than him and Carver- both of them sharing their burden of being apostates at a young age. He still struggled with controlling the blinding rage that surged through him when he thought about the ogre that had crushed her… killing her instantly.

                _If only I had been faster_ …

                “I wonder if she’d ever give me a chance…”

                _Just play dumb._

                “Who? Isabela? I wouldn’t see why not… though I thought you two had a past together…”

                “Isabela and I? Yea, once, in Denerim, but I wasn’t talking about her.”

                _Of course not._

                “You could test your luck, but I prefer that my organs stay where they are.”

                _She doesn’t prefer blondes, she doesn’t prefer blondes, she doesn’t prefer blondes_ …

                “She doesn’t seem to trust mages… I wonder how she would react if she learned about Justice and I…”

                “She might rip your heart from your chest for that alone.”

                Hawke found he was surprised that it still hadn’t come up between them. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be the one to tell her, but he couldn’t imagine it would go pleasantly if she found out any other way.

                _I should tell her_.

                “Maybe… maybe _not_. Justice seems to be interested in her as well… at least in her lyrium markings…”

                _I wouldn’t bring that up to her, but I suppose you are a big boy… if you wish to test your luck I will not stop you_.

                “Good luck with that conversation.”

                “No faith in my ability to charm those of the fairer sex?”

                “No… I have no faith in your ability to charm a _former slave who was abused by mages her entire life_.”

                “How do you know she was _abused_?”

                _Idiot!_

                “Do you think being a slave is all sunshine and rainbows? Her markings alone should be indication enough as to what she has suffered.”

                “You know as well as I do that not all mages are like that Danarius fellow… we’re not _all_ bad.”

                _No, but you are obviously just as foolish and inconsiderate_.

                “I’ll see you later, Anders.”

                He walked away from him before Anders could say anything else. He wondered if he should just let Anders make a fool of himself and say something like that to Fenris… see what she did to him…

                _You know you couldn’t just let her kill him… no matter how stupid you think he is_.

 

* * *

 

 

                “I know I have no room to talk, but would it kill you to clean up this shithole of a mansion?”

                _Hmph_.

                “You could clean it if it bothers you so.”

                “No thank you… I’m only ever on my hands and knees if someone is behind me or below me and the end result is our mutual orgasms.”

                _Not surprising in the least_.

                Isabela followed Fenris up to the room she had taken over and after grabbing a half empty bottle of wine off of the table she takes a swig, savoring the bitterness, before handing the bottle to her guest.

                “Sorry Sweetling, I only drink Rum or the ale from the Hanged Man… wine is too fancy for me.”

                Al _right_ …

                “More for me then…”

                She starts to throw pieces from the pile of broken furniture into the fireplace and uses one of her daggers and some flint to get a fire started. It is only midday, but a fire always seems to comfort her. She removes her sword from her back and leans it against the mantle before she sits in the chair nearest to her. Isabela joins her and sits in the chair across from her.

                “So that prince was pretty handsome, huh?”

                _I suppose_.

                “Are we having _girl talk_?”

                “If that’s what you’d like to call it, Tiger.”

                “Don’t you have anyone else you can bother?”

                “No one as pretty as you.”

                _What will it hurt, Fenris? When was the last time you talked to anyone about something so adolescent?_

                “Yes, well… I suppose his eyes were very attractive…”

                “Ooooh, so you’re all about the eyes, huh? I suppose I can see the appeal… I myself found his body to be very mouthwatering.”

                _I’m sure you did_.

                “And what about our fearless leader? He has beautiful eyes... all teal like the clear shores of Antiva.”

                _Kaffas!_

                “I hadn’t _noticed_.”

                _Yes, Fenris, because she’ll believe that_.

                “There is _no way_ you haven’t… you _HAVE_ noticed _haven’t_ you… _of course_ you have. I can see it all over your face.”

                “He is a mage.”

                “Oh don’t give me that _piss_ … you’ve just never _tried_ one… at least not a _good_ one, like Hawke.”

                _Bitch, Cunt, WHORE!_

                “ _YOU KNOW NOTHING, WHORE!_ ”

                Fenris didn’t even try to stop her lyrium markings from flaring. Isabela only glanced at them before returning her dancing eyes to Fenris’.

                “Now now, I’m only being _honest_ with you.”

                “You know _nothing_ of what I have survived. Do not speak as though you _understand_.”

                _I will rip your intestines out if you continue!_

                “You’re right. I don’t know what all you’ve been through, but I do know that Hawke is _NOTHING_ like those disgusting Magisters.”

                _Hmph. Mages are all the same… men even more so_.

                “I am done talking about this.”

                “Spoilsport.”

                Fenris breathes heavily out of her nose and feels her anger lower to a simmer inside of her. Most people would have whimpered and begged for her not to kill them when she had started yelling and her markings had flared, but the pirate seemed to let nothing faze her.

                She stared into the fire for a few moments, taking large gulps of her bitter wine until the bottle was empty. She would need to go down to the cellar to get another bottle.

                “So what do you do all day? Sit here and brood as you look into the fire? Drink _wine_ until you pass-out?”

                “And if I do?”

                “Oh, don’t get me wrong, I approve, _but_ … it _has_ to get _lonely_ doing that all by yourself _all_ the time…”

                _You have no idea_.

                “ _Actually_ , I like to spend my time redecorating the walls.”

                Fenris stands, walks past the pirate and continues to walk towards the door. She hears Isabela’s scant clothing swish against the fabric of the chair she had been sitting in as she stands.

                “Oh _really_ … and where do you do this… _redecorating_?”

                Fenris turns to look at her and looks down at the bottle in her hands before she pulls her arm back and whips the bottle against the wall as hard as she can. A feeling of pure satisfaction burns through her as the bottle explodes and leaves an indent in the crumbling wall. She takes a final look at Isabela, a snarling smile forms on her face as she sees the surprise in the pirate’s eyes, before she starts to walk out. Right as she gets to the door she looks over her shoulder.

                “Beautiful, isn’t it…”

                _A beautiful mess_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I would put in some dialogue between more than just Fenris and Hawke :) I also don't want my chapters to be just in-game stuff, so I'm going to be doing more non-con scenes from now on :D and I feel like I'm being repetitive, but I can't help but say thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my fic, and those who comment/bookmark and leave kudos :D its always appreciated :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* There is some dubious consent, but nothing really happens... just a friendly warning.
> 
> Fenris finds out about Anders and Justice...

                It’s been two weeks since they helped Sebastian find out why Lady Harimman hired the Flint Company to assassinate his family. Fenris had enjoyed killing the demons that had helped the family, but she didn’t enjoy that Hawke had continuously tried convincing Sebastian that he should return to Starkhaven and reclaim his throne. She felt like he would do better serving in the Chantry, especially with his stance on mages.

                _Maybe he could help the Grand Cleric see reason and help with the problems with the mages_.

                The slide and grind of her whetstone against her blade was relaxing. She hadn’t seen Sebastian since then and she couldn’t help but wonder if he had gone back to Starkhaven or if he was still staying in the Chantry. She supposed, if she was that curious, she could just go to the Chantry and see for herself.

                _Maybe I will_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke knew it wasn’t a smart idea to bring Fenris with on this mission, but Carver was off doing _who knew what_ and he _definitely_ couldn’t bring Aveline- so that left Fenris. He walked into her house, knowing she would sense him before he even made it to the stairs leading to her room, but he called to her as he entered the common room.

                “Fenris?”

                He could see the flickering of a fire from her room, but there was no answer. He slowly walked up to her room and hoped that he wouldn’t catch her in the middle of changing or anything that might instigate a fist through his chest. He wouldn’t mind catching her as she slept, but as he walked into her room, knocking on the frame as he did, he found that she wasn’t home. Her whetstone was sitting near a bowl of water and a rag draped over the arm of the chair she usually sat in, but the fire looked as though it hadn’t been stoked or tended to for a little while.

                _Where could she be?_

                Anders and Isabela were waiting in Darktown for him and Fenris and Anders said it was urgent, meaning he didn’t have time to sit and gaze at the room Fenris lived in- though before he walked out he did notice that she still didn’t have a bed.

                _Maybe I’ll ask her about that… when I actually FIND her_.

                Hawke walks around the rest of the mansion calling out to her, even going down into the cellar, but once he sees that she is truly not home he checks her room one last time before he leaves. The day is bright and the sun warms his robes pleasantly as he walks down the stairs heading past the Chantry. He is about to head towards the Hightown market when he hears Fenris’ raspy timbre laugh from behind him. He turns around quickly and finds her walking down the stairs from the Chantry- with Sebastian.

                _When did they start spending time together?_

                Neither Fenris nor Sebastian takes notice of him as he starts towards them. He watches as Fenris looks down and Sebastian keeps his eyes on Fenris with a small smile still on his face. He can feel the jealousy take hold of him and he tries to reason with himself that he has no right to feel that way- no right to feel anything- but he remembers the look she gave him and the sound she made as his lips touched her knuckles. He knew she was not as put off by him as she tried to seem.

                “Fenris!”

                She looks up quickly- her smile disappearing as she looks at him- and jogs towards him.

                “What’s wrong?”

                “Nothing too serious… I was just at your mansion and I was worried since you weren’t there.”

                “Oh… did you need something?”

                _Only for Sebastian to not stand so close to you… knock it off, Elliot!_

                “I was just going to see if you’d accompany me on a little mission with Anders and Isabela right now… Anders says it’s urgent and Carver and Aveline are busy.”

                “Of course I will join you.”

                Hawke watches despondently as Fenris turns to Sebastian.

                “I will pray to the Maker for your safe and swift return, friends.”

                _Friends?_

                “Will I… we... will we see you later for Wicked Grace?”

                “I am… not sure… but, if that is alright with the rest of your companions I think I would like that.”

                “I’m sure Hawke and Varric won’t mind.”

                Fenris looks at him and he can’t help but feel guilty as he sees neither guilt nor hope in her eyes- only an honest query.

                _Maybe she just feels badly for him_.

                “I don’t see why not, though I’ll warn you, Isabela cheats.”

                “I will keep that in mind.”

                “Well, if you’re coming, Fenris, we should be going.”

                “Yes… yes… well, I suppose we will… see you later… Sebastian?”

                _Sebastian… not Brother Sebastian?_

                “Yes, later… at the Hanged Man I assume, correct?”

                “Yes, in Varric’s suite.”

                “Very well. Maker watch over you both.”

                Hawke watches Sebastian bow to Fenris and she blushes slightly before she nods her head in answer.

                “And you as well.”

                Sebastian looks at Hawke and bows to him as well, so Hawke nods his head as well. Sebastian turns back towards the Chantry before Fenris and Hawke turn to head towards Darktown. He expects it to be an awkward silence, at least for himself, but Fenris doesn’t let it last long.

 

* * *

 

 

                “So what is this urgent mission for Anders?”

                Fenris feels lighter and less burdened than she did only a few hours ago. Talking to Sebastian, she had found it was easy to tell him about herself because he treated her like any other person in the Chantry and he listened without recrimination to the sins she had committed in her life. She had been so lost in her relief that she hadn’t noticed Hawke approaching as her and Sebastian left the Chantry. She had noticed his expression and was instantly worried as he looked as though something was really bothering him.

                “He has a friend he is supposed to meet secretly and his friend is worried that he is being watched.”

                _A secret friend?_

                “This friend is a _mage_ , I presume.”

                “I believe so.”

                Hawke still seems oddly quiet, but she tries to let it be as they make their way through the market. Fenris ignores the stares from the shop owners and nobles as they walk, but she can feel their eyes on her back, like daggers and spider legs. She feels like she should be warning Hawke of how bad an idea it is to help any of Anders’ friends, but her talk with Sebastian seems to have her feeling less combative. She only hopes the feeling lasts.

 

* * *

 

 

                They make it to Anders’ clinic easily and without any trouble, keeping Fenris’ feeling of ease going for a little while longer, though Hawke is still silent. As they enter into the clinic Fenris can hear Isabela and Anders bickering towards the back. Fenris knows how pushy the pirate can be and she almost feels sorry for the mage- almost.

                “Come on, Anders. Help me out here.”

                “Isabela, if you insist on sleeping with every new addition to the Hanged Man, you’re going to have to start paying me to rid you of the consequences.”

                “I thought we were friends, Anders.”

                “ _HAWKE_ … thank the Maker… hello, _Fenris_ … you’re both finally here.”

                _This is a conversation I could have gone without hearing_.

                “You said it was urgent… Fenris and I got here as fast as we could.”

                “Yes… I’m ready to go… let me… just grab… AH, here it is…”

                She watches as Anders rifles through a stack of papers on his desk and grabs one that he lifts in the air. He turns; ignoring Isabela’s scowl, and folds the paper to put it in a pouch at his side before he walks past Hawke and Fenris towards the door. Isabela scoffs at him and sashays past them as well. Fenris can’t help herself as she quickly moves away from the pirate, not wanting to catch whatever she wanted Anders to cure her of. Hawke only laughs and shakes his head as Fenris shrugs her shoulders at the look Isabela gives her.

 

* * *

 

 

                “Anders, you need to leave… I was followed… the Templars will make us both tranquil if they catch us!”

                “Okay Joric, just take this map and _run_ … don’t worry about us.”

                “Thank you again, Anders.”

                “RUN!”

                Hawke watches as the mage runs through a door behind them right before he hears boots stomping towards them. The sound is too close for them to run without being noticed.

                “Well, well… what do we have here? _Mages_ out of the _circle_ … come with us, _Apostates_ , and you’ll not be harmed.”

                Hawke watches as Anders eyes turn blue and fissures of that same blue blaze all along his skin.

                “YOU WILL NOT TAKE ANOTHER MAGE!”

                Hawke sees the horror on Fenris’ face as the Templars charge.

                _Damn_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris wasn’t sure what she was seeing at first. It looked as though Anders was about to explode with blue light; that was until he spoke.

                _He is an abomination!_

                She is unsure if she should attack the Templars now charging at them or if she should kill the mage before her and her indecision lingers until a Templar raises his sword in front of her and instinct kicks in.

                _Did Hawke know about this?_

                Fenris swings and feels her sword connect with bone and tissue as she removes the head of her attacker before she moves to help Hawke with his target. She feels him charge his spell and then senses the release as she swings and connects with the newly frozen Templar. All of their fighting together seemed to be helping with their ability to sense and anticipate each-others movements. She smiled at Hawke and he smiled back for a moment before he looked behind her and gasped. She felt the Templar use his power to do something to Hawke as he was about to use his magic and after seeing him fail to cast she turned around to see Isabela fighting one of the last two Templars and the other smiling wickedly at Hawke.

                “No casting for you, mage.”

                _He silenced him!_

                As he advanced on her and Hawke she only just noticed the other Templar land a blow against Isabela, knocking her to the ground, and before Anders or Hawke could so much as lift their staffs she was phasing in front of the Templar raising his sword to strike Hawke.

                “YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HIM!”

                She felt the ghost of his armor, skin and ribs as she shoved her hand through his chest, then let her fingers grasp his heart before she forced it from his body. The shock in his eyes only living a moment before the light left his eyes and he collapsed before her. She continued to hold his heart as the other Templar yelled for his fallen companion. Her lust for violence thrums through her and she phases to him as well and swings her sword so quickly that as his head rolls his body stays standing for a few moments longer. Her breathing has her chest rising and falling quickly, the anger still pulsing in her blood, like a living creature prowling for its next target.

                “That was amazing!”

                _ABOMINATION!_

                Fenris turns around and phases in front of Anders and before she has even given her actions thought she has her hand wrapped around his throat- his body lifted into the air. The beast within her howls with pleasure.

                “You are an _ABOMINATION_!”

                She snarls at his reddening face and the gurgling noises he makes as she squeezes her fingers.

                “FENRIS DON’T!”

                _HE KNEW!_

                “You knew of this?”

                “Yes.”

                “And you let him fight alongside you? Let him live?”

                “I…”

                “DO NOT SPEAK TO ME AS THOUGH I AM STUPID!”

                “I wasn’t…”

                Fenris notices that the Abomination’s lips are turning blue, and not from the spirit inside of him, but the pirate decides to speak.

                “Put him down, Tiger. It’s not worth it.”

                She growls and snarls at the man dying in her grip as Hawke speaks again.

                “Please, Fenris. Let him go.”

                Her lyrium markings flare even brighter and she actually snarls at Hawke before she throws Anders to the ground and turns to leave them with the mess they walked themselves into.

                _I will not suffer their presence a moment longer_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke ran to Anders’ coughing and retching body and watched as Fenris stalked away from them and out of the sewers of Kirkwall.

               

 _Shit_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris had consumed two full bottles of wine before Hawke stalked into her room. Her head was pleasantly buzzing as she laid it back against her chair, but her anger flared as she felt his magic, the same silken caress as always, wash over her. At the moment, she didn’t want it to feel so good.

                “Why are you here, _mage_?”

                “Back to _mage_ again, huh?”

                _I am not in the mood for joking_.

                “Leave me be.”

                “You see… I would… but…”

                “ _But?_ ”

                “But I seem to be a glutton for punishment, so I came to see if you were alright and… see if you were still here.”

                _I wish I could leave_.

                “I was planning to leave… but who would keep you from being stabbed in the back when the blood mage and the abomination turn on you? No… it seems my conscience will not allow me to abandon you.”

                _I should stop drinking… or maybe I need more wine_ …

                “Thank you… _I think_.”

                Fenris stands and makes her way, relatively well, to the table and decides to sit as she grabs the full bottle she had sitting on it to pull the cork from it. She pulls three long swigs from it before she offers Hawke a drink. He waves it away and looks at her like he…

                _Don’t go there, Hawke_.

                She looks at him for a moment before her eyes wander to his lips.

                _So full… they look so soft… I wonder if he’s a good kisser… or would he be all spit and tongue… don’tgothere!_

                “Am I still invited to Wicked Grace?”

                “Of course. Why wouldn’t you?”

                “I did almost kill the abomination today…”

                “Almost… but, you _didn’t_ …”

                _Surprisingly_.

                “Will he be there?”

                “I doubt it.”

                _Probably for the best_.

                “Well… let us not keep them waiting any longer than we have to.”

                “Lets.”

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke watches Fenris down one pint of ale after another as their games continue into the early hours of the morning and he worries he’ll have to carry her back to her mansion. During their last game, after he has already dropped out, he heads outside to get some fresh air and relieve himself. The smell of Lowtown is anything but pleasant, but the quiet cool night is comforting. He thinks about how Fenris had talked and talked to Sebastian after they first walked in, her excitement at his presence pulling a sigh from him before he could stop it, but as the night wore on she had slowly turned her attention to Hawke and he had been pleasantly surprised as their banter became sarcastic and playful. He had never seen that side of her.

                He just finished fastening his trousers when he heard someone behind him. He turned around quickly, ready to fight whoever thought to sneak up on him, when he noticed Fenris leaning against the corner of the building he had walked around.

                “I w’s wonderin’ if you’d left without sayin’ g’night.”

                _She’s definitely had too much_.

                “No… just needed some fresh Lowtown air.”

                Hawke closed his eyes and shivered as she laughed.

                “Always ready witha jest.”

                “That’s me… funny Hawke.”

                “Hmmm… I wonder…”

                Hawke watched her saunter towards him, the look in her eyes a mixture of hunger and something that had Hawke’s leathers growing tight. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest and as Fenris smiled seductively he wondered if she could hear it.

                “You wonder…”

                “Yes…”

                Hawke couldn’t control his body as Fenris moved and pushed him against the wall. She moved so their bodies were as close as they could be, granted her armor kept their bodies from really touching, but Hawke didn’t notice as her eyes captured all of his attention. She stood on her toes and moved her face so their mouths were only an inch apart and as she spoke the ale on her breath washed over him.

                “I wonder… if I _kissed_ you right now… would I feel… _passion_ … or _pain_?”

                _Shit… oh how I want to kiss you Fenris, but not while you’re drunk… I want you to decide with a clear head… and I think you’d hate yourself tomorrow_ …

                Just as she closes her eyes, her hands winding their way into his hair, he moves away from her and takes a deep breath as he closes his eyes.

                “You’re _drunk_ , Fenris… it isn’t _right_.”

                “Because I am drunk… _right_ … I should leave…”

                She walks past Hawke back to the Hanged Man before he can find adequate words for an apology, and as he finally makes his way back she walks out with Sebastian. He opens his mouth to speak, but she beats him to it.

                “Sebastian said _he_ would walk me home… so _no need_ for you to protect the _drunk slave_.”

                _Shit… she’s mad_.

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris’ spinning head focuses on Hawke as he nods his head at them both and she ignores the look in his eyes as he speaks to them.

                “Make sure she gets home safe… and… goodnight, Fenris.”

                He walks back into the Hanged Man and she scowls as her and Sebastian start walking towards Hightown. She doesn’t pay attention as he continues to talk about Starkhaven and the Chantry- her mind still replaying her private moment with Hawke.

                _You are an idiot… did you think he would really want a slave? He probably finds your markings disgusting… or your short hair… or the fact that you always proclaim your distrust of mages_ …

                She shakes her head and regrets it as the spinning in her head threatens to spin her stomach as well. She gets it under control and notices that they have made it to the door to the mansion and she notices Sebastian hasn’t left her side yet.

                “Do you wish to come in?”

                “Only to make sure you are settled.”

                “To make sure I am settled… of course.”

                They make it to the stairs and Sebastian wraps his arm around her slender waist as they stumble up them to her room. His hand lingers on her waist as they walk through the door and Fenris feels the rejection from earlier take hold of her. She spins around and wraps her arms around Sebastian’s neck before she slams her mouth against his. He kisses her back.

                She deepens the kiss and feels his tongue slide against her bottom lip. He is a great kisser and Fenris can feel her body responding to him as he wraps his arms around her waist to pull her body against his. She can feel his growing arousal against her as she arches her back and a moment of panic flits through her, but she ignores it and continues kissing the man holding her. She unclasps her chest plate quickly and she clumsily drops it to the ground before her and Sebastian's bodies crush together again. They slant their heads to deepen their kiss further and Fenris hears a moan escape Sebastian’s lips as he lifts a hand from her waist to slide a hand up the slit of her armor, between her breasts until he has slid her armor away from one shoulder. She brings her hands down to slide them under his armor, enjoying the noises he makes, when he moves his mouth from hers and begins to kiss and suck along her jaw down her neck. Her head swirls with pain from her markings being touched, the spinning from the alcohol, and her body’s quaking from the feeling of lips on the junction of her neck and shoulder. She lowers her forehead to Sebastian’s shoulder as he continues and finds it helps to keep her head from spinning free of her body. She feels herself relaxing as a thought replays through her head before she passes out.

                _I wish it was Hawke… I wish it was Hawke… I shouldn’t wish it was Hawke… IwishitwasHawke_ …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this fic has been taking over my thoughts so I've been writing and writing and writing, lol. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I didn't want Hawke to be one of those people who tells other people's business, so I wanted Fenris to find out for herself that Anders had Justice inside of him and also since he will now be like Anders in the game (hating Fenris) I wanted to keep the love triangle theme going, so Sebastian will not be staying the chaste Chantry brother like in the game :) I hope I can keep from butchering that. If there are any mistakes I missed, please feel free to let me know :D and again thank you thank you thank you to all those who read and follow this fic :D I love and appreciate all of you!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW and ANGST :P Enjoy

                Fenris wakes with only a slight pounding in her head, but a mouth full of sand. She looks around and finds that she’s sleeping awkwardly in her usual chair with a cloak that isn’t hers wrapped around her. She lifts the cloak and finds her breast plate isn’t there, but the rest of her armor is intact and undisturbed. She brings her uncovered hand to her face and rubs her eyes as her memories of the night before flash across them.

                _I didn’t… I hope I didn’t… Vishante Kaffas, I’ll need to apologize to Sebastian… and to Hawke… I’m never drinking again_ …

                She stands and notices her breast plate and gauntlets sitting on the chair across from her and before she throws the cloak over the chair she smells it and Sebastian’s scent fills her nose. Incense from the Chantry and Rose. She smiles at the thought that he had not seemed to take advantage of her inebriated state, at least not _after_ _she had passed out_ , but she remembered everything from before then. She lifted her hand to her lips and smiled wider.

                _At least he had been an exceptional kisser… and he seemed interested_ …

                She finally released the cloak and grabbed her breast plate to refasten it before she grabbed her sword and made her way to the lavatory to wash. Before she left the room she pulled a small mouthful of wine from the bottle sitting on her table and used it to remove the feeling of sand in her mouth.

                _Mmmm, bitter and full… maybe NEVER is too strong a word_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris walked into the Chantry and stopped as the smell of incense struck her nose.

                _Too strong on its own… but mixed with Rose… it’s not so bad_.

                She walks further into the Chantry and stops as the ceiling opens above her. She looks around and wonders how many people it had taken to help build this place. She figured they were probably all slaves and she feels a snarl pull at the corner of her mouth. She looks up towards the large statue of Andraste when she hears Sebastian’s Starkhaven baroque speaking authoritatively.

                _And people say my voice is seductive_ …

                She lowers her head, shaking it as a chuckle rumbles up from deep inside her. She begins a slow walk up to the dais and just reaches the top as Sebastian finishes his conversation with Grand Cleric Elthina. Fenris bows minutely to her as she walks away and blushes as she sees the small smile on Sebastian’s lips. He rubs the back of his neck, like a virgin Chantry brother, but the eyes that she finds boring into her at the moment speak of anything but innocence and virginity.

                “Good morning to you, Fenris… I hope you are feeling well…”

                “I _am_ … _thank you_ … and a good morning to you as well.”

                He chuckles and steps closer to her.

                “About last night…”

                “Yes… about that… I’m sorry… if I overstepped… I apologize…”

                Fenris continues to stare at his feet, waiting for his forgiveness or his order for her to leave the Chantry immediately, but she sees his hand lift and doesn’t so much as breathe as he touches her chin and lifts her face to look in her eyes.

                “Believe me when I say… there was _no overstepping on your part_ … I’ve wanted to… _kiss you_ … for _quite_ some time now… but I worry that _I_ overstepped… and if I _did_ I would apologize _profusely_ until you _hopefully_ accepted and agreed to continue being my _friend_ … for I _treasure_ our friendship greatly…”

                “I felt no such overstepping… only mortification that I had been so drunk that I fell asleep, even though I had been thoroughly enjoying the play of your lips against mine… if that isn’t too bold to say…”

                “Only if it is not too bold of me to say that your skin tastes divine…”

                _Oh my_ …

                “Of course not… it was not too bold at all…”

                She bites her lip and catches Sebastian licking his own lips in response. She feels her body ignite at the action and feels her heart beat a bit faster before she finds herself wondering about a possible complication to this flirting that seems to be leading in a passionate direction.

                “So will you renew your vows to the Maker and Andraste… or whatever? Or will you be leaving to reclaim your title in Starkhaven?”

                “Or whatever?”

                _Ah… right… he may not be a brother, but he is still devout_ …

                “Sorry… I meant no offense… I am just not familiar with the rules and vows of becoming a Chantry brother or sister.”

                “No… _I_ am sorry… the bristling was unfair of me… I would be asking the same thing if our positions were reversed… and you were the former Chantry sister… having ravished me with those lips…”

                She blushes and feels her breath whoosh out of her as Sebastian moves to stand over her, leaving barely an inch between them, and lifts his hand to drag his thumb slowly down her bottom lip. As her lids flutter closed, she finds herself thinking about how his lips had made her feel the night before, when the reason that spurred on her spontaneous actions flashes behind her lids.

                _Hawke_ …

                She tries to lower her head, but the hand with that very same thumb moves to tilt her head back, and a nose touches her own as her mind conjures up the touch and smell of another. Calloused fingers, even though they are a mage’s hands, and the woodsy musk of a man she wants touching her ensnares her so fully that she can’t stop a breathy whimper from escaping her as the other hand slides under her ribs and firmly grips her waist. Heat erupts inside her core and she stands on the tips of her toes, similar to the night before, and opens her eyes to stare into the eyes of the man she wishes to kiss- expecting to see teal eyes staring back, but instead sees powder blue.

                “ _Perhaps_ this is not the best spot _to_ …”

                “Perhaps not…”

                Her face and ears redden and Sebastian smirks, but she can only force a smile at the mortification roiling through her at the realization that it was not just the alcohol from last night that had spurred on her actions towards a certain mage- a mage with magic that glides across her skin like fine silk.

                _This is not good_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke had barely seen Fenris during the few weeks after the night she almost kissed him. He had taken Carver or Aveline along if he needed a warrior and every time he had even glimpsed Fenris, more often than not, Sebastian was never far away. He hated seeing her small smiles for the prince, but hated even more seeing her smile completely disappear when she noticed him. He wished he could tell her that he had wanted nothing more than to kiss her, that he still did, but during their last game of Wicked Grace he had gone to relieve himself outside, secretly wondering where Fenris had disappeared to when he had walked out and seen Sebastian pushing Fenris against the side of The Hanged Man and kissed her like a man dying of thirst- and she was a tall, moss-colored eyes, glass of water. He had been so stunned that he hadn’t moved an inch until Sebastian had started kissing her neck and as she had tilted her head she had looked at him and in her eyes was a look that asked him if he enjoyed what he saw.

                He hadn’t, and his immediate response was anger and jealousy- anger at himself, and jealousy that it was not him doing those things to her.

                He had gone back inside to try and drink away the image of them when Isabela had teased him and asked if he needed a massage to work out his kinks- he had unfortunately agreed to oblige her, and as they had made their way to her room, with her shoving him against the wall and her bringing his hands to the underside of her breasts, she had slicked her tongue inside his mouth when he had heard a gasp- and they had both turned drunkenly to see Fenris look, wide-eyed, down at her own feet and turn to leave without a word.

                As he had been mentally berating himself Isabela had slapped him and called him all sorts of names, only to tell him that he had not hurt her feelings, but she was angry that he had clearly used her to hurt Fenris. Isabela had left him in the hallway, alone.

 _If Fenris is happy with Sebastian, then you should be happy for her_.

                He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he knew he needed to tell her and he needed to leave her be after it was done. She, more than anyone he knew, deserved to be happy.

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris woke abruptly, but without moving, in Sebastian’s bed. She could hear his steady breathing from behind her and knew she hadn’t woken him. Though this was the third time this week that he had asked her to stay the night with him, she still woke disoriented and tense. They had been taking things slowly at first, but after the night of Wicked Grace when she had found Hawke pushed against the wall near Isabela’s room, with his hands on her voluptuous breasts, kissing her with obvious plans to do more- if her hand at her door had been any indication- she couldn’t think straight, and the she could only think of one person who could get her mind off of it. Sebastian had been getting them drinks, so he hadn’t noticed- only noticed as Fenris pulled him from the tavern and marched him back to her mansion to show herself, that what Hawke was doing, meant nothing to her.

                She had been surprised that first night together with Sebastian that he was very much the aggressor when it came to sex, and he didn’t do well with not being in control. She had tried to have him sit so she could ride astride him at one point and he had shook his head, pushed her up against the wall and held her hands above her head as he kissed her senseless and pounded his cock into her until they were both panting and spent.

                 His desire to be in control had not wavered for a moment in all of the times they had been together since. She knew it wasn’t healthy to allow him that much control over her, and truthfully she hated it- as it reminded her of her time as Danarius’ pet- but he was so sweet, and caring, and gentle with her at all other times that she felt torn at ending it. She was sick and tired of wanting someone who clearly didn’t want her in that way, and being with Sebastian helped her forget, at least for a little while.

                _Ugh… I need to pee_ …

                She moved slowly out from under Sebastian’s arm and was about to move the blanket away when she heard him take a deep breath and felt his hand slide slowly up her arm as his other slid over her and wrapped around her waist.

                “ _Good morning_ , Love.”

                _Oh Sebastian_ …

                “Good morning, Sebastian… I am sorry if I woke you… I was only heading to the Lavatory.”

                She felt his hand on her arm twitch before it slowly slid up to her shoulder and before she knew it he had his fingers wrapped around her throat and pulled her back against him. It wasn’t painful, and he wasn’t holding her throat tightly, but she tensed regardless.

                “I think I want you first…”

                She felt his hand holding her waist move behind her and as he kissed her neck he positioned himself at her entrance and fully sheathed himself inside her. She moaned at the sensation and felt him wrap his arm back around her waist to hold her against him, not letting go of her neck once, as he continued to thrust into her. He used his forearm to hold her hips as he pumped his cock inside of her and moved his hand to her clit as he bit her neck and thrust harder.

                The sensations had her moaning involuntarily, but his hand on her nub only reinforced the feeling of having to relieve herself and she didn’t feel like letting herself finish if it meant wetting Sebastian’s bed.

                “Sebastian, _please_ , I _really_ need to go…”

                “I’m not _done_.”

                His hand at her throat tightened, along with his hold on her hips, and Fenris felt a stab of panic before she spoke.

                “Sebastian, _STOP_!”

                He did.

                “What’s wrong, Love?”

                _I need some air_ …

                “I _need_ to relieve myself… unless you wish me to _soil your bedding_?”

                She heard him laugh and relaxed as his hands moved from her body. He slowly slid himself from her and sat up just as she did.

                “ _Forgive me_ … I got carried away.”

                She looked at him and could see the shame in his eyes and felt bad for a moment that she had been so curt with him. She stood up and retrieved her smalls and leggings before moving back to the bed and leaned over it to kiss him.

                “You are forgiven.”

                She pulls on the rest of her armor and grabs her sword to attach it to her back when Sebastian moves his legs to the edge of his bed and speaks.

                “You need your _sword_ to _pee_?”

                _Sebastian, Sebastian Sebastian_ …

                “ _No_ , but I do need to get going… so we’ll have to finish _this_ later… the Tethras Expedition will be heading out first light tomorrow and I need to make preparations before then.”

                She turned to kiss him one more time, after securing her sword, when she noticed his incredulous expression.

                “You’re still planning on going with them?”

                _NOTTT NOWWW!_

                “ _Yes_ , Sebastian… we’ve _talked_ about this…”

                “I know… _it’s just_ …”

                “It’s _just what_?”

                “I’ll… _miss_ you…”

                She felt herself sag at his words. They had argued over whether or not she should go since Hawke had informed her about becoming a partner. This is the first time that he said he would miss her.

                “And _I_ you… but I _have_ to go…”

                “You know you don’t need the coin… I have _more_ than enough…”

                “I _will not_ take your coin, Sebastian… and that is _not_ the only reason I have to go…”

                _Though it shouldn’t matter any longer_ …

                “ _Hawke_ …”

                _Be kind, Fenris_ …

                “He is our _friend_ , Sebastian… I told him I would join him and I do not go back on my _promises_.”

                “I’ve _seen_ the way he looks at you…”

                _Kaffas… say something_ …

                “And do you see the way _I_ _look_ _at you_?”

                “Well, _yes_ … but…”

                “ _Venhedis!_ No _buts_ … I am with _you_ … _not_ Hawke… _not_ _Isabela_ … not _ANYONE ELSE_... only _you_ … _NOW…_ I _really_ must get going. So I will see you later… I _promise_.”

                Fenris steps between his parted knees and holds his cheeks as she kisses him. She feels his hands grab her hips and he slants his head to deepen the kiss. She wonders for a moment if he will allow her this position of control, until he surges up and pushes her against his dresser that stands behind her.

                _Of course not_ …

                Her sword keeps her back ram-rod straight as Sebastian moans into her lips and arches his naked groin into her leathers.

                _Annnd… I really do need to pee_ …

                She moves her hands from his face to his shoulders and pushes him back a little ways so she can focus and so she can move away.

                “I will see you later, Sebastian.”

                “Don’t keep me waiting _too long_ tonight…”

                _Wouldn’t dream of it_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke found that he was lucky in some things, but not so much when it came to matters of the heart. If it was with a past lover or romantic interest he always managed to screw things up or he fell hard for the ones who hadn’t deserved it. With his family, it only seemed that if the unluckiness struck, it ended with one of his family members hurt, or dead. So when he had decided that he would go speak to Fenris about the expedition and tell her that he was happy for her his luck decided that it would twist the knife further in and as he was passing the Chantry, he looked up the steps- as was his new habit- and found Fenris quickly descending the steps looking as though she had just woken up.

                _Be happy for her… you promised_ …

                “ _Fenris_ … fancy meeting _you_ here…”

                “ _Hawke_ … it is… _good to see you_ …”

                _Is it? I wouldn’t be happy to see me_.

                “It is _good to see you_ as well…”

                _Stop staring, you fool_ … _BUT SHE LOOKS SO GOOD SLEEPY!_

                “ _I_ … was… just… _coming to see you_ … _I_ … wanted to talk to you about the _expedition_ tomorrow… see if you _needed_ anything…”

                “ _Alright_ … I was headed to the mansion now… you can _join me_ if you’d _like_ …”

                “Great… _Ladies_ first…”

                “Ugh…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will start the journey into the Deep Roads :) hopefully this filler chapter is up to par :) and as always thank you's and I love you's to all of you who have read and enjoyed this fic so far :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of the Deep Roads Expedition.

                Fenris watched from a short distance as Hawke, Carver and their mother argued over Carver joining the expedition. She could only hear bits and pieces of their argument, but she could see that, though their words were angry, it was all from their own need to love and protect each other. Leandra only wished to keep her boys safe, and Carver was her _baby_ , and she knew better than to try and persuade Hawke to stay as well. Carver wanted to go so that he could prove his worth, but also so that he and his brother could come back to really care for their mother. And Hawke-

                _He doesn’t want to go to the Deep Roads… he doesn’t really want Carver to join… he only wants a better life for his family_.

                 She looks down at her hands and clenches them into tight fists- ignoring the burning of the glass embedded in her right hand. She envies the Hawke family. Though they argue profusely and gripe about one thing or another, and she can agree that Carver’s constant complaining can be grating, but she would give anything to remember if she had a family of her own.

                _To have others who will love you unconditionally… no matter what you do or have done_ …

                She is startled for a moment as arms envelope her waist from behind, until Chantry incense and the smell of Rose wash over her. She is surprised that Sebastian actually came to see her off. They had fought last night after he had tried to take her like a dog, bent over the side of his bed, and she had thrown him off and told him to find a goat or go to the Rose if he wished to fuck her like that. He had tried to defend himself, saying that it was a position that gave women great pleasure, but she hadn’t cared in the slightest. She had thrown her smalls and leathers on, and then pushed him away as he had tried to stop her from sliding the rest of her armor on. He had actually backed away from her when her markings had flared and she had snarled at him. She had watched a blanket of cold fall over his gaze before he spoke to her.

 

                _“Fine… I can see how little you care for me… just leave… run away… you’re good at that, right?”_

_“You’re right… I’ve become very good at running, but I run from no man any longer… not from Danarius… not from you… follow me tonight, and you’ll regret it…”_

_“First you compare me to your master… then you threaten me? What… will you rip my heart from my chest? Go ahead… you’ll find you’ve already done it…”_

 

                She had shaken her head, the anger in her causing the rest of her limbs to quake, and had left without saying another word. His words had replayed in her head for hours as she drank bottle after bottle of wine in her favorite chair. Her vision had blurred with angry tears, only for her to roar and slam the bottle she had been holding into the wall. The shards had shredded her palm, but she hadn’t cared as she smashed every other bottle against the wall and then turned to her table and chairs- she had destroyed everything in that room.

                “Forgive me for last night… _please_ … I _beg_ you… I did not think of your needs and…”

                She removes his hands from her waist and turns to look at him. She can see the unshed tears in his eyes and feels a punch to her gut. He has no qualms about wearing his heart on his sleeve, and she is jealous of him for it- Danarius had ruined her ability long before she ran. She sighs heavily and steps back from him.

                “Sebastian…”

 

* * *

 

 

                He was done with arguing. He didn’t want Carver to come, _not really_ , and he wouldn’t give a damn if this expedition found itself lost on the far side of the Deep Roads, if not for his need of the coin and Varric. He couldn’t _stand_ that his mother and brother had to live in Gamlen’s Lowtown shack and all because Gamlen had wasted away Hawke’s grandparent’s estate and fortune. They _deserved better_ , and this expedition was the only way to get them out of the slums. He rubbed his hands down his face as Carver and his mother bickered and caught Sebastian with his arms around Fenris’ waist and his head bent to her ear.

                _Is it just me, or does she seem tense_ …

                He watches as Sebastian speaks to her and after a moment she closes her eyes, removes his hands from her waist and turns around. He tries to ignore them, but before he turns back to his family he sees her take a deep breath and step away from him. He quickly turns back to speak with his distraught mother and tries to keep himself from jumping to conclusions about what was happening between them. He had told her yesterday, after they had walked to the market for her to grab a new whetstone and cloth, that he was happy for her and Sebastian if she was happy and she had thanked him.

                “ _Mother_ , I’ll be _fine_ … Elliot and I have been planning this for _a long while_ now and there’s _no way_ I’m _staying behind_.”

                “I don’t care, Carver… you’re _my little boy_ … what would I do if something _happened_ to you?”

                “I’m not your _little boy_ anymore, Mother… I’m a grown man and I’m _going_ … and that’s _FINAL_!”

                Hawke watches as his mother rounds on him. He knew she would take her anger and her fear out on him. After Father died and he became the man of the house, he took the brunt of her frustrations. After Bethany died, and she had blamed him, he couldn’t stop the feelings of failure that punched him in the gut every time they spoke now. He figured he would just have to get used to it.

                “This is _your fault_ … you _know_ Carver looks up to you… _don’t let him go_ … I _can’t_ lose him too…”

                “ _I’m going_ , Mother.”

                “I understand _you_ wanting to go, _Elliot_. You’ve _always_ been my headstrong child, but don’t drag your brother along too… _please_!”

                He can’t help but sigh as he turns to his brother, always looking so much like Bethany, except their eyes.

                “Carver… you should stay with Mother.”

                “Oh _, thank the Maker_.”

                “ _Brother_ … you can’t be _serious_ … you _promised_ you would take me… nothing is going to happen to me…”

                He wanted to protest, but before he can say anything else, Bartrand interrupts their bickering.

                “Well, Partner… you’re not going to be able to take all of these people anyhow, so you need to decide who’s coming along.”

                Fenris, Sebastian, Anders, Isabela, Merrill and Aveline all walk up to him and though he’s spoken to them all about who he had planned to take and who would stay behind, he knew that if he asked any of them that they would go in Carver’s place.

                “ _I_ will go in his place _, if you wish for him to stay_ , Hawke.”

                _Dammit… why does he have to be the one to volunteer?_

                “ _Brother_ , _please_ … I can’t just _sit around_ and _wait for you to get back_ … I _won’t_.”

                _Ugh… I’m going to regret this_ …

                “I’m sorry, Mother… but I made him a promise… I’ll not go back on it.”

                “ _YES_! Thank you, Brother…”

                Hawke watched his mother’s will to stay strong crumble as she walks up to Carver.

                “ _No_ … _please_ , I _beg_ you… _don’t_ do this… _don’t_ _go_ …”

                “Mother, I’ll be _fine_ … you’ll see… we’ll be back before you know it.”

                Hawke watches Carver wipe tears from her eyes before he walks towards the group leaving for the Deep Roads. A moment later he watches as his mother looks at him and sees she is already blaming him for everything he hasn’t done wrong yet, before she turns and walks away without another word.

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris couldn’t help the feeling of relief as Hawke said he would still be bringing Carver along. After Sebastian had volunteered she had felt as though she were suffocating. She had told him that he was again forgiven and that she would miss him while he was away, but that he should not just sit around and wait for her. She knew he wished to return to Starkhaven, so she had suggested he visit his home and maybe try to help rebuild the circle there. He seemed open to the idea, almost happy at the thought, and she had a flash of hope that maybe she would come back and find that he had found someone else.

                _If I feel this way, I should just end it here… it would be kinder in the long run_ …

                She watched as Hawke’s mother walked away from him and she couldn’t help but see the hurt in his eyes from her anger. She felt the urge to go to him and tell him things would be alright, but she knew he would just brush it off and pretend like everything was fine already. Hawke started walking towards the rest of the expedition and she finally turned to give Sebastian her final goodbyes.

                “You should really consider going to Starkhaven… I’m sure it would help them greatly to see their prince helping restore order.”

                “You know you’ll not get rid of me that easy…”

                “It is not to get rid of you… I just don’t want to think that you’ll be sitting here doing nothing… waiting for me to return… you are not a man to sit idle.”

                “Fenris…”

                “Yes?”

                “I love you.”

                _Vishante kaffas, don’t do this, Sebastian… not now…_

                “Sebastian… I… I…”

                “Come on, Broody… we’re not getting any younger here…”

                “I have to go...”

                _I can’t say those words to you_ …

                “Goodbye, Sebastian.”

                She quickly turns away from him and jogs to the rest of the group and she doesn’t dare look back.

                _You don’t deserve happiness, Fenris… you don’t deserve it at all_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                They make good time on their way to the Deep Roads entrance they chose and by the time they set up camp they are just inside the entrance to the cave. Hawke rolls out his bedroll next to the fire him and Carver started when he notices Fenris standing just outside of the mouth of the cave. He can’t help but stare as the sky reflects the colors of the setting sun through her white hair, turning it a shade of pink close to the color of her blush. She leans against the rock siding and doesn’t seem to take her eyes from the evening sky. He stands as he watches her, then looks back and sees Varric holding out two bowls of stew and two chunks of bread.

                “Thanks, Varric.”

                “Anytime, Hawke.”

                _At least this should be a good enough reason to go talk to her… I haven’t seen her eat all day_ …

                He starts walking towards her, making sure not to spill any stew or trip on any rocks, when he hears Carver behind him.

                “Isn’t she with Sebastian?”

                “Shut it, Junior.”

                “I was just… ugh… nevermind.”

                _Yes… shut up, Brother… like I needed reminding_ …

                He walks the rest of the way towards her, ignoring his brother and Varric, as Varric starts trying to explain the birds and the bees to Carver. Though he finds it funny that Varric is purposely trying to rile up his brother, he would never do anything with Fenris. Not unless she wanted it herself.

                “Hawke.”

                _Ah… yes… my magic… duh_ …

                “Good evening, Fenris.”

                He stands next to her for a moment, looking to see what in the sky has captured her attention, before he chances a quick glance to his side and notices Fenris doing the same to him. He turns his complete attention to her, only to see her lower her gaze to the cave floor. He can’t help but guess that she learned that habit as a slave and he finds he wants to help her break herself of them all.

                “I brought dinner.”

                “I am not hungry, but thank you.”

                _Liar_ …

                “Do you think if you eat you’ll gain fifty pounds before we find our first darkspawn?”

                “Excuse me?”

                _Shit… shitshitshit_ …

                “ _Oh_ … _I_ _get it_ … you wanna stay thin so the darkspawn go for us _fatter humans and dwarves_ … _haha_ … good thinking…”

                _Nice save_ …

                Hawke listens to her stifle a giggle and he finds he’s glad that it’s now fully dark because he’ll need to readjust his small clothes before he returns to the fire.

                _Maker, I lov…. no… nonono… no you don’t… NO… YOU… DON’T…… SHIT!_

                “Always ready with a jest.”

                “That’s me… funny… Hawke…”

                The memory of when those words were spoken before flash through him, and he’s swallowing loudly, as he sees the realization in her eyes as well.

                _Well… she seems to remember_ …

                Fenris reaches for one of the bowls in his hands and he makes sure she has a good grip on it before he lets it go. She reaches for the second chunk of bread in his hands when his fingers graze her palm and she hisses in pain.

                “What’s wrong? Is it your markings?”

                _Damn you, Elliot_ …

                “ _No_ … it’s not _that_ … _I do believe_ I _destroyed everything in the mansion last night_ … and it seems a few shards of glass still remain.”

                _Why would she destroy everything in her mansion?_

                “Here… let me see…”

                “Its _fine_ , Hawke… I have dealt with worse.”

                _I don’t doubt that_ …

                “Stop being _stubborn_ and just _give me your hand_.”

                As Hawke waits a heartbeat for her response he is surprised when she only huffs out a breath and holds her hand out for him to take. He looks at her and sees that her gaze is on the floor again and he instantly takes her hand, that same tingle as always coming back, and he pulls it slightly to get her attention.

                _No more looking down_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                She looks up at him and sees a small smile quirking up half of Hawke’s beard. She stares at him for a moment, waiting for him to speak, but he only nods his head towards their bedrolls and the fire. She sighs and lets him lead her back to the fire, noticing, with a blooming warmth in her cheeks and the ever pleasant tingle where they touch, that he isn’t letting go of her hand.

                _Calloused fingers and a woodsy musk_ …

                He pulls her to his bedroll and has her sit on his small pillow as he sits on the harder blanket. She sets her bowl of stew down and takes her chunk of bread back from Hawke and sets it in her stew.

                “Stew is a _horrid thing_ to _eat cold_ … you should eat it while I look at your hand.”

                _Always worried about everyone else_ …

                “Won’t _yours_ grow cold while you tend to _my hand_?”

                She watches him smirk as he looks at her and for a moment he lets her hand go so that he can wiggle his fingers in the air at her.

                “Mage, _remember_? I can warm mine back up when I’m finished.”

                _Oh_ …

                “Couldn’t you do the same for _my own_ then?”

                She sees him pause for a moment.

                “ _Damn_ … yea, I _guess_ so… but you should still eat while I do this… _you need to eat_.”

                _Stubborn man_.

                As Hawke removes her gauntlet she tries to find a good spot to keep the bowl so that she can eat without covering herself in it. Sticking it in front of her to hover over, holding it between her breast plate and her bicep, and finally holding it between her knees, but after a minute of fumbling with different spots to hold it she huffs and gives up. She looks up and catches Hawke trying to hide a smile.

                “Is my plight _funny_ to you?”

                “ _No_ … _no_ … not at all… _sorry_.”

                “So says the laughing mage sitting before me.”

                “ _I’m not_ laughing.”

                _Hmph_.

                She pulls her hand from his grasp, instantly missing the tingle, and grabs her gauntlet and bowl of stew to move herself to her own bedroll, but Hawke raises his hands for her to stop.

                “I’ll _stop_ … I’ll _stop_ … _please_ … let me look at your hand… then I’ll warm both of our bowls back up… _just_ … just let me look at your hand… _please_.”

                Fenris glares at him for a moment before she sets her gauntlet and bowl back down and positions herself back onto his pillow as she lifts her hand back to him. He only smiles kindly at her before he turns his attention back to her hand. He twists it from side to side in the light of the fire and after a moment she hears him curse under his breath.

                “You _really_ did a number on your hand… there are shards imbedded deep into your skin and _even in your lyrium markings_ … how did you _deal_ with this all day?”

                “Like I said before… I have _dealt_ _with_ _worse_ in my life.”

                “ _Well_ , you don’t _need_ to just _deal_ with them _any longer_ … I do know quite a bit more with  _healing_ now… Anders has shown me a lot of his techniques.”

                _Learning from the abomination?_

                “You will not use magic on me that you learned from the _abomination_.”

                “I _need_ to use magic to get this _glass_ out of your _hand_ , Fenris… and I would _never_ hurt you… I hope you know that.”

                _You already have_ … _though I can’t seem to find it in myself to blame you_.

                “Fine… _fine_ … do it quickly then.”

                _If this does more damage than good I’ll… I’ll_ …

                “ _Alright_ … just hold still… it’s going to sting at first as I pull the glass out.”

                She growls in response and a moment later she’s hissing as he starts to remove the glass. After the initial pain dissipates and the glass begins to leave her skin she can’t help but notice the growing feelings his magic is causing in her. It feels to her as though Hawke himself is lightly caressing her body with the lightest of feathering touches and she grunts to keep herself from moaning out loud.

                “ _I’m sorry_ … I’ve _almost_ got it all out… just _bear with me_ …”

                _He misunderstands… good_ …

                The only problem is that the longer he uses his magic the stronger the feeling gets and soon her heart is pounding in her chest and she feels her core burning with a heat she’s never known before. She’s noticed only a little too late that she’s panting and as she looks up into Hawke’s eyes he seems to figure out what’s going on and her own embarrassment is forgotten as his magic surges forth to envelope her entire body.

                _VENHEDIS DON’T STOP!_

Her body curls into itself with the river of sensation flowing through her, and she bites her lip to stop a moan, only to pull in more of his magic as a stuttered sigh escapes her. Her breaths become more ragged and raspy with each moment her hand holds Hawke's and she soon feels her body moving of it's own accord as her hand that holds Hawke's starts to pull their bodies closer. Her blood roars in her ears with the pleasure of their bodies drawing closer, but a moment later the magic disappears.

                She feels her body go slack as Hawke pulls his magic back and as he grabs her and keeps her from falling to the floor she hears herself whimper pathetically at the loss.

                _What in the void just happened?_

                “Fenris? _Fenris_ … I’m _so sorry_ … _I don’t know what came over me_ … it just felt like _… it felt like you were pulling it out of me_ … like you _wanted more_ … I’m…”

                _There is no way… NO_ …

                She rolls away from him, knocking her bowl over and not paying it any heed as it rolls towards the fire, as she stands up and walks out of the cave- her gauntlet completely forgotten. As soon as she is outside she runs. She knows where she’s going and isn’t worried about getting lost. She only feels the need to get some space from him and to relieve herself of the burning heat and tension she still feels. She stops and slams her back against a tree, panting from running and from the desire still inside her, before she slides her now completely healed hand down her smalls and dips her slender fingers inside of her dripping center. She feels the heat inside her begin to crest and rubs her thumb over her clit a few times before she sees stars and moans to the sky as her release bursts through her entire body. Her knees feel about to give out and she moans from the weightlessness she now feels before her mind slowly clears.

                _Andraste’s flaming ass… WHAT THE HOLY FUCK JUST HAPPENED!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait until later to post this chapter, but I want to get it in before AO3 troubleshoots the delays on the website. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter :P please... any comments on how I'm doing on this fic would be greatly appreciated :) and more angsty deep roads chapters to come.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a way around the cave-in and finding Sandal.

                Confusion and fear had been the strongest of his emotions after Fenris had ran from the cave. He had been so focused when he was healing her hand that he had shrugged off his arousal for her and figured it was only his usual reaction to being so close to her. That was until she had begun panting and he had seen the raw desire in her emerald eyes- and the control he had had on his magic had slipped. He had no idea how it had happened, but he had felt Fenris pulling his magic from him and it had been ecstasy. His eyes had rolled back into his head at first, but then a fear, one he had only felt a few times in his life, clawed through him and it had been the thought, that his uncontrolled magic would hurt Fenris if he didn’t reign it back in, that forced him to focus. That fear had paralyzed him as she had collapsed in his arms the second he stopped the magic, only for her to flee from the cave as though the Blight were biting her heels. Hawke had worried and waited what felt like hours for Fenris to return and when she finally had, no worse for wear, he had kept pretending to sleep. Watching her sit on her bedroll, then lie herself down facing him and the fire between them, he had silently watched her flex and stare at her hand as though a miracle had healed it. She had finally glanced at him, caught him staring at her, and furrowed her brow in sorrow before rolling over- turning her back to him.

                It was a long three days into their journey before she spoke more than a few fleeting words to him or anyone else.

 

* * *

 

 

                “I am growing more and more uneasy the longer we go without seeing darkspawn.”

                “Only _you_ would find it bad to _not_ find darkspawn yet, _Broody_.”

                _I have never met a dwarf who hated being undergrounds as much him_ …

                “ _Sorry_ , Varric, but I agree with Fenris… I feel like we’re walking into a _Great Bear den_ with nothing but our wits and a _dead goat_ tied around our necks…”

                “Well… _that’s_ descriptive…”

                _Very descriptive… coming from Hawke_ …

                “Is your brother the _dead goat_ then?”

                “ _HEY_!”

                Fenris somehow keeps herself from joining Hawke and Varric in their gut busting laughs and it only seems to spur on their hysteria. Varric walks up behind her and smacks her on the back as he finally gains a small measure of control.

                “ _Haha_ … _mind_ if I _keep_ that one, Broody?”

                “By all means, Dwarf… _keep away_ …”

                Hawke is still laughing behind her until Carver punches his arm.

                “ _OW_ … _come on_ , Carver… _you know_ that was funny…”

                “Yes… _funny_ … until _you’re_ the one being called a _dead goat_.”

                _Hawke… a dead goat? No_ …

                “ _No_ , Carver… _Hawke_ would be more like a _Druffalo_ … _stomping about_ as he does…”

                She glanced at Hawke as Varric’s laughter reignited and couldn’t suppress her smirk any longer as she found him standing with his jaw slack and his eyes wide in astonishment. Carver also tried to control his laughter, but soon gave up and was bent at the waist, holding his middle, and pointing at his brother’s expression as he laughed.

                “ _OH HO_ … _Broody_ , _you_ and _I_ need to _hang out more_ … I feel like I’ve been missing out on great material for my serials.”

                Fenris chuckles as they catch up to Bartrand. She sees him talking to a dwarf with architectural tattoos covering his face and instantly tenses as Bartrand punches him in the face. Varric walks up behind his brother, seeming just as curious at the display, when Bartrand starts to yell.

                “ _USELESS_! WHAT AM I _PAYING_ YOU BLIGHTERS FOR?”

                Varric helps the disoriented dwarf back to his feet and started brushing off his clothes as Bartrand looks at the rest of his hirelings, waiting for an answer, but they all just lower their gazes and shrug their shoulders- Bartrand doesn’t seem amused.

                “SET CAMP!”

                The dwarf with the tattoos explains to Varric that Bartrand had sent ahead scouts along the path earlier that morning, but they had found a cave in and almost all of the hirelings were too afraid to venture down the side passages. She knew that meant that they were probably going to be the ones to investigate said passages, as Hawke’s curiosity was like a cat with nine lives to kill, but she hoped they would at least wait until after they had rested for the night.

                _With my luck, Hawke will insist we leave at once_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                It seemed they would need to head into the passages immediately. After speaking to the merchant Bodhan and hearing about his now missing son, he couldn’t find it in himself to make the poor man wait. Varric had gone to speak to his brother and Hawke was planning to do the same.

                “It seems we’ll be heading into those passages tonight…  bring what you think we’ll need for a few days, but nothing more… if we need to we’ll just head back here.”

                “Vishante kaffas!”

                Hawke wasn’t sure what she had said in Arcanum, but he figured with the way she had spoken it, that Fenris was cursing at him. He was surprised to realize that he could tell it was not said in anger, but merely exasperation at something he had said.

                “Bodhan says his son, Sandal, has gone missing… so this is mainly to search for the boy, but if we happen to find a way around this cave in… well… all the better for us.”

                “Fine, Brother… go talk to Varric… we’ll be ready to go when you’re done.”

                “Like a dead goat, Junior?”

                _I love this… he’s never going to live that down_ …

                “So, Varric… what’s the word?”

                “Bartrand is more worried about this damn cave in and all the hirelings he’s found are too afraid to check those blighted side passages.”

                _Where is everyone’s sense of adventure?_

                “That’s why he brings people like us along.”

                “Don’t get carried away, Hawke… we may follow your crazy human ass, but not all of us are crazy.”

                _I’m not crazy_...

                “Okay… I’m not the only crazy ass in this group…”

                “If you boys are done talking about each other’s asses… we should get moving.”

                Hawke watches as Fenris starts to walk away from them and he can’t help but notice that almost every man in the vicinity has his eye’s glued to her backside. She seems to walk with a feline grace, though her name means little wolf, and her slight hips seem to sway as though she were prowling. The rest of them start to follow and as the other men’s eyes linger on the woman in front of him he can’t stop himself from clearing his throat loudly as he walks.

                “Subtle, Brother…”

                “Yes, Hawke… real subtle…”

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris smirks when she hears Hawke clear his throat behind her. She had meant to get their attention, but not all the rest of the men.

                _And my luck, it seems, will dog me whenever it can_ … _and Hawke will help it along_ …

                They make their way through the closest passage in silence for a time and Fenris’ mind wanders back to their first night of the expedition. She had leaned against that tree for some time as, her body had come back down from its high, and she tried to make sense of what had happened. Hawke had told her she had pulled the magic out of him, but she couldn’t understand how that was possible.

                _I am not a mage… and I have never been able to do anything like that with my lyrium markings before… these markings were created for the benefit of a mage… not for my own_ …

                She had thought, at first, that Hawke was blessedly asleep when she’d laid down on her bedroll and she had, again, caught herself staring at her hand. That was until she had felt him watching her. Her mind had screamed at her to not look at him, that it would do her no good, but she had looked anyways. She had scolded herself repeatedly, saying that she should have listened, because when their eyes locked Fenris wanted nothing more than to crawl to his bedroll and finish what they had started. Then thoughts of Sebastian rose inside her and she had felt sadness that she was allowing these thoughts when he was waiting and hoping for her safe return. She had turned her back to Hawke then and fell into a fitful sleep filled with dreams of things she couldn’t remember after waking, but she remembers that they had been important to her- things she should have remembered.

                _I wish I could remember… seeing as I still feel as though they were important_ …

                “Not trying to bring up the whole crazy ass thing… but its official… my ancestors were completely crazy…”

                She could see why he thought so as they walked into what once looked to be one of the actual dwarven passages. It was partially intact, but to their right there was only a very large blockage of rock and dirt, and lining each wall was a crevice filled with molten lava. She figures there must be a place where it bubbles to the surface because the lava she can see is still slow moving, but it shows no signs of crusting over either.

                _Crazy? Or Brilliant?_

                Hawke takes the lead and heads away from the large rocks blocking the way to their right, only for them to find the path ahead is completely missing and drops into a deep chasm. Fenris feels herself become dizzy and tense all up her spine as Hawke leans over the edge and looks down.

                _Festis bei umo canavarum!_

                “Do you think it’s wise to stand so close to that ledge?”

                “Its fine, Fenris… see?”

                She watches him bounce up and down on his heels and she feels her heart leap into her throat. She feels her nostrils flare and her eyes widen, but otherwise she feels paralyzed. She has never been good with dealing with fear, so instead she hides it with anger.

                “You…”

                She points her surprisingly steady gauntleted finger at him.

                “… may have a death wish, Hawke… but I will not sit here and be party to it…”

                She starts to walk away, but after a few steps she hears Hawke yell and instantly turns back around and phases next to him before he falls. She grabs his robes and pulls him away from the chasm and slams him against a boulder. Her fear is on the brink of spilling from her and her heart hurts from its sudden staccato, but again she covers it with anger.

                “ _Festis bei umo canavarum!_ ”

                She yells in Hawke’s face as she clenches the fabric of his robes right beneath his chin. The blue of her markings light up his face and dance along with the warm light of the lava lighting the cavern.

                _I need to kill something, before he does kill me_ …

                She pulls him away from the boulder only to slam him back against it before she releases him and storms away. Her heart still feels as though it is tearing, but she grits her teeth and forces herself not to show it. She finds a tunnel leading away from the one they just came from and doesn’t stop to wonder if this is the way Hawke wanted to go. She can hear her three companions talking quietly behind her, but she doesn’t wait for them as she makes her way into a large cave. She rounds a corner and finds herself face to face with darkspawn.

                “Finally!”

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke rubs his chest where Fenris had been holding him. He had only wanted to mess around at first, but a fear unlike any he had felt had encased him in its grip when he had thought he was actually falling- until Fenris had been in front of him the next second and her gauntlets had almost ripped his skin to shreds with her grip, pulling him away from his death. She had yelled something at him in Arcanum and he wasn’t sure it was anything he wished to have translated. He didn’t think she had planned it, but he had briefly glimpsed the fear in her eyes before it was covered in an anger he never wished directed at himself again.

                _I should_ …

                He was interrupted as he heard her roar in anger and before his mind had even constructed the rest of his thought he, Varric, and Carver were running around the corner and watched in fascinated horror as Fenris decimated the darkspawn around her. She was like a lyrium wraith, phasing between one foe before breezing through the next, not even stopping to see if her companions were near. He watched her sling her blade through some with such accuracy and power that he could literally see her stop her sword without a waver or shake. He and the others finally began helping where they could, but all of them gave her a wide berth, not wanting to be on the wrong end of her sword. As Hawke incinerated the last darkspawn he looked and found Fenris fighting an Darkspawn Emissary and he gasped as it blasted her sword from her hands with an arc of magic, but a moment later she had phased behind it, grabbed it’s desiccated neck, and snapped it clean off with just her hands.

                _That was… intense_ …

                Hawke and the others run up to Fenris as she picks up her sword and holsters it at her back. She looks up and as Hawke catches her eye, about to ask her if she’s alright, her nose scrunches up and she growls.

                _Still mad at you, Elliot… just give her some space_ …

                “Holy shit, Broody… remind me to never get on your bad side.”

                She only glares at Varric for a moment before she turns and stalks away from the three of them. Hawke turns around only once to survey the slaughter she had led them through before he follows her into the next cavern.

                _I need to remind myself not to make her MAD ever again_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris’ rage finally cools down to its normal state as they walk into a nest of spiders and then slowly turns to mirth at Hawke’s total dislike of the creatures. She is slicing one of the beasts in half when the ground shakes. She turns around to see what Hawke might have done now, when she watches the largest spider she’d ever seen begin to attack- and listens as Hawke tries not to scream like a little girl.

                “IT’S SO HAIRY!”

                She kills another of the smaller arachnids.

                “ _AH_! IT’S _LOOKING_ AT ME WITH ITS _BEEDY EYES_. SHOOT IT IN THE EYES, VARRIC!”

                Another smaller spider dies by her sword when the last of the not so monstrous spiders spits something foul in her direction. She dodges the projectile and impales it before she moves to help the others with the Mother Spider.

                “IT JUST TOUCHED ME… _IT JUST TOUCHED ME_!”

                “BROTHER… MAKER’S BREATH, _SHUT UP_!”

                “You didn’t just have its _butt thing_ TOUCH YOU!”

                _Butt thing?_

                A moment later the spider seems to decide to try and retreat back into the hole in the ceiling that it fell from when she runs underneath it and shoves her sword into its abdomen. It makes a horrid screeching noise and Fenris rolls away from the falling spider before it crushes her when it hits the ground and the insides splatter them. Varric just wipes the gunk from his face and chest, while Carver holds his arms out from his body and just inspects himself. Hawke- Hawke is bouncing on his toes, shaking his hands, and making a profuse amount of strange disturbed noises and talking to himself.

                “I’m good… not going to puke… _I’m okay_ … _this is nothing_ … OH MAKER, IS THAT A… _I’mgoingtobesick_ …”

                She watches him run a ways from the dead spider and begins to empty his stomach. She can’t seem to care too much as to what is covering her.

                _Add it to the darkspawn blood, the dirt, the sweat_ …

                “I take it he doesn’t like spiders?”

                “He’s always been creeped out by them. _This_ would be extremely _funny_ … if I wasn’t covered in the stuff as well.”

                “I’m inclined to agree, Junior.”

                _Men and their squeamishness for things that ooze… I wonder what married men do around their wives once a month_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                They just finish killing a few more darkspawn when they come upon Sandal- standing in the center of a group of dead darkspawn, and an ogre frozen in place.

                _How in the_ …

                “Well I’ll be a _nug’s uncle_. Isn’t that _Bodhan’s_ _boy_?”

                _So it would seem_ …

                Hawke walks up to the boy and notices, as Sandal turns around, that he has darkspawn blood all over himself.

                “’Ello.”

                Carver laughs endearingly.

                “It is. The _great warrior stands victorious_!”

                _Yes… great warrior indeed… this is amazing_.

                “I’d _really_ like to know how you managed to kill _all of them_.”

                Hawke watches as Sandal lifts his arm and holds out a stone. Hawke is confused for a moment until he takes the stone and feels the magic inside of it.

                _A runestone… but_ …

                “Boom…”

                _Well… that explains all the destroyed darkspawn, but what about the ogre?_

                “And how did you do _that_?”

                Sandal looks at the ogre without fear before he replies.

                “ _Not_ Enchantment…”

                Hawke watches as the boy walks back the way they had come and keeps going, as though he had known the whole time where he was at. Hawke just shakes his head.

                “Smart boy.”

                _Yes_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris gets a fire started with the wood and kindling the others had found and lets her mind wander as she watches the flames slowly overtake the wood. Varric and Carver walk around to check for anything useful to keep or any meandering darkspawn that might be too close to their small camp. Hawke goes about getting food out for everyone to eat, but she can feel him continually glancing at her as he does. Ignoring him, she reaches into her pack and pulls out her whetstone and rag, then uses her skein of water as she begins to sharpen her sword. She knows the noise is probably not the smartest, but she needs the distraction. As she slides her whetstone up and down the edges of her blade her eyes become unfocused as memories, both new and old fill her mind.

*~*

                “You think you’re special because of all the _attention_ Danarius lavishes you with?”

                “No, mistress.”

                “ _No_ is _right_. _You_ are a _slave_ … you are _nothing_ … you are _less_ than nothing… just a _toy_ …”

                “Yes, mistress.”

                “Did I _ask_ you to _speak, dirt_?”

                “No, mistress.”

                Fenris’ stomach growled loudly in the dark of her little room.

                “Are you _hungry_ , Fenris?”

                “ _No_ , mistress.”

                “ _Really_? Well, I _must_ inform Master Danarius when he _returns from his trip_ … we could save _so much_ only having to feed you _once every three days_.”

                She remained silent and prayed to anyone she could that her stomach wouldn’t betray her. They didn’t listen and neither did her stomach.

                “You know… I _can_ be merciful… show you a kindness, _one you don’t deserve_ … but _… if you are hungry_ I will have something given to you to eat…”

                Mistress Hadriana stood over Fenris’ kneeling form.

                “…you only need to do _two things_ for me… _two_ … _teeny_ _tiny_ things… would you _like that_ , Fenris?”

                “Whatever you wish, _mistress_.”

                “First you will beg… then… you will l _ick my boot_ …”

                She paused for a second too long and Hadriana pushed lightning through her brands until she passed out, then woke her up and repeated the process for the rest of the night.

                “You are _nothing but a slave_ … _nothing but a beast_ to be leashed… you don’t _deserve_ Danarius’ affection… it should be _me_ he brings to his bed… _you don’t deserve love_ … you’re _not worth it_ …”

*~*

                _I don’t deserve love… I’m not worth it_ …

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter :) I wanted to add in some memories of when Fenris was a slave and I thought of when Fenris admits to Hawke in the game that Hadriana denied his meals and ridiculed his sleep, so... more Deep Roads and angst to come... <3 to all who read fanfiction and to all who have read mine :D you are appreciated more than you know.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Deep Roads... more angst... some naughty dreams...

                Fenris and Hawke had taken first watch the night before and Hawke had given her space during most of it. At one point, he had noticed her skein of water was almost depleted, having used it with her whetstone and he had offered to refill it with his magic. She had only looked at him skeptically until he had taken it and proceeded to make an icicle and suspended it in the air and then warmed it to drip into her skein. He hadn’t spoken during his display of magic, so when he was finished and seemed ready to talk Fenris quickly grabbed her skein, thanked him for the water, and walked to the other side of their camp. She had stayed there, like a guardian statue, listening and scanning for any dangers until Varric had come and, after a yawn, had told her to get some sleep.

                She found her body was still adjusted to life as a slave and after only a few brief hours of sleep she awoke and listened. She lay for a moment before she lifted her head, her bangs falling down her face to her lips now, and scanned their camp. Hawke was still asleep on his bedroll, and she could see Varric rubbing his oiling cloth over Bianca, when her eyes landed on Carver. He was leaning against the wall to their back, facing the chasm, and she heard him snoring lightly. She looked back at Varric and met his knowing eyes.

                “How long have we been sleeping?”

                “You and Hawke? Maybe four hours… Junior… probably an hour… just let him sleep.”

                _Yes, one of us should make sure to get as much sleep as possible… I am used to having little sleep_.

                “Bad dreams?”

                _Always… but… you don’t need to know that_.

                “I am _used_ to getting little sleep. Being a _slave_ , then being a _slave on the run_ , does that to you…”

                “ _Sorry_ …”

                _Don’t pity me_ …

                “It is not _your_ doing, dwarf… what is done _is done_.”

                “Hmmh.”

                She stands and begins stretching out her limbs before she refastens her sword to her back. She takes a small drink of her water and rummages through her pack for a small pouch of assorted nuts she has. She had finally eaten the night before, but snacking kept her busy, even if only a little. Varric goes back to running his oiling rag along Bianca and Fenris sees it as though he were running his fingers through a lover’s hair.

                “So, _Broody_ … how’s your _hand_ doing?”

                _My hand? What is he talking about… oh… OH!_

                “My _hand_ is _fine_ … perfectly capable of _ripping out hearts_ , if need be.”

                _Drop it, Varric… please_ …

                “ _Alright_ … I’ll take the hint… _so_ … once we’re back in Kirkwall and we’ve all made a small _fortune_ from this _expedition_ … _what are your plans_?”

                _Keep waiting for Danarius_ …

                “Danarius is still alive…”

                “ _Yes_ , but… anything _else_?”

                “What else would I _do_?”

                _I have only ever spent coin on things I needed_ …

                “ _I_ don’t know, Broody. You could get _out_ of that mansion… or _fix it up_ , if you had a mind too… maybe buy yourself some _different clothing_ … maybe a _dress_ …”

                _A dress?_

                “What would I want with those _things_?”

                “ _Well_ … it could help you _blend in_ … your _armor_ … _it_ …”

                _My armor?_

                “What’s wrong with my armor?”

                “Besides screaming “ _I hate you all, I was a slave_ ” and your _markings_ …”

                _This is absurd_ …

                “The markings would still show.”

                “ _Really_? Huh… well _that’s_ … kinda _cool_.”

                _Cool… indeed_ …

                They wait another two hours before they decide to wake Hawke and Carver and by then Fenris already has her bedroll and the rest of her things put away.

 

* * *

 

 

                _Mmmm, wine and blueberries_ …

                He moved from her mouth to her jaw and then ran his fingers along her ear as he kissed down her neck along the lyrium line that stopped behind her ear.

                “ _Nnngh_ …”

                “ _Yes_ … tell me what you want…”

                “ _Nnnnnngh_ …. hhhuh…. _AH!_ ”

                “ _Tell me_ , Fenris…”

                “K… _kk_ …keep touching… my… _my_ …”

                “ _Yes_ … _tell_ me…”

                “ _My ears_ … and… I want _… I want_ …

                “ _Yes!_ Yes… what do you want? _Anything you want_ …”

                His mind was in a haze and he felt her armor, then felt just skin and scars as she sat astride him. He had never seen anything so glorious in his life.  He had never cared for anyone the way he cared for her. He wanted to give her everything, wanted to be everything she needed, wanted to take care of her, to protect her, to help her set herself free.

                “I want you to _fuck_ me, _Elliot_.”

 

* * *

 

 

                “ _Whatever you want_ …”

                _What?_

                Varric was off relieving himself, leaving Fenris to wake Hawke and Carver. She figured she would wake Hawke and let him wake his own brother up. Hawke seemed to be dreaming when she tried to wake him and calling his name seemed not to work. She had knelt down and shaken his arm when he had spoken. Now, with his eyes in a dreamy daze he moved to lean on his elbow and slid his other hand behind her neck. Her eyes widened and her breath lodged in her throat as Hawke pulled her closer.

                “Fenris…”

                _Is he dreaming… about me?_

                She is about to shake him, and wonders what sort of dreams he could possibly have with her, when he moves his hand from her neck and starts to run his finger along the shell of her ear.

                _Oh my_ …

                Before he can go any further, and before her will breaks, she removes his hand from her ear and shoves it away. She stands quickly and sees the haze slowly leave Hawke’s eyes. He looks at her for a moment before looking at her feet. She notices the blush.

                “ _Wake up your brother and get your things packed_ … we need to get going.”

                “Okay…”

                _He was dreaming about me… he was **dreaming** about **me**_ …

                She starts to walk away, wanting to get some space from him and to keep watch until Varric returned, when Hawke whispered at her back.

                “ _I’m sorry_ …”

                _Of course he’s sorry… I’d be ashamed that I dreamt of a slave as well_ …

                “Just _forget it ever happened_.”

                She didn’t wait to hear his reply before she walked away.

 

* * *

 

 

                They had made good progress through more of the dwarven ruins. Killing more darkspawn had helped her keep her mind off of what had happened earlier and was keeping her too busy to look at Hawke. They had studied some golems on one of the paths until darkspawn attacked and now they found themselves facing an ogre.

                “Watch its _horns_ , Carver.”

                “ _Obviously_!”

                “And make sure it doesn’t _grab_ you…”

                She looks at him then and she can see the fear in his eyes and she remembers him mentioning to her once about his sister and how she had died. She spins from its grip and slashes the back of its thigh. The ogre’s skin is so tough that she only makes a small gash where normally she would have probably severed the leg. Varric continues aiming for the face, but with the ogre moving around so much and only a few spots being vulnerable enough for a bolt he has only managed to rip part of its nose away with a partially deflected bolt. Hawke has always been more skilled in frost spells than flame spells and it seemed only flame spells affected the beast in any way. Carver moves behind it as she now draws its attention and watches him swing at the same spot she had.

                “Carver, _WATCH OUT!_ ”

                Fenris watches as Carver tries to pry his sword from the ogre’s leg, but he can’t free it before the ogre swings his arm and hits Carver so hard he’s flung against a pillar and doesn’t move.

                “ _CARVER, NO!_ ”

                She watches Hawke run towards his brother’s limp form and notices the ogre move his attention to Hawke. She yells and her lyrium markings flare as she runs towards it, promptly redirecting its attention. The ogre roars at her and lowers its horned head to charge and she uses its forward momentum to move behind it and pulls Carver’s still lodged sword out right before she spins and sinks her sword in the same spot, finally severing the leg. The ogre roars in pain and she climbs up its back, and using her phasing ability, impales her sword into the back of its skull. It takes her a few tries to dislodge her sword.

                “I’m _fine_ , Brother… just a _bump_ on the head… _you’ve_ given worse in our _scuffles_.”

                “ _Why don’t you ever listen to me_ … you could have been _killed_ … what would I tell _Mother_?”

                “You’ll _not tell Mother_ about this… _you_ don’t notice, but she still has _nightmares_ about… about _Beth_ … we _can’t_ _do_ _that_ to her…”

                Fenris watches them both look at their feet and she can feel their sorrow. She wants to get moving, but she also doesn’t want to be the one to break through their thoughts. Thankfully she doesn’t need to as Varric walks up to them and puts his hands on their arms, not saying a word.

                “Right… _sorry_ … Carver, _just_ …”

                “ _I know_ , I’ll be more careful.”

                _Who would have thought I’d miss Kirkwall… I hate the Deep Roads_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                “Is that a _dragon_?”

                “The _shit you get me into_ , Hawke…”

                “Can we just _kill_ the beast?”

                Hawke watches Fenris charge and moves to flank them when tiny baby dragons start galloping towards them. Hawke would have felt horrible killing the babies, if they hadn’t started spewing fire at them.

                “These little things would be _cute_ if they didn’t _spit fire_.”

                The others ignore Hawke and continue to try and stay alive. Hawke downs one of his healing potions and the last lyrium potion he had in his pack before another dragonling spits fire at him. Varric is kicking dragonlings in the head and shooting bolts into their opened mouths and Carver and Fenris are taking on the larger dragon together, but Hawke can tell Carver is lagging. Hawke quickly shoves a cone of cold into a dragonling’s mouth and before it can dislodge it he smashes the end of his staff down on the back of its skull. As it falls to the ground, dead, he looks up and sees Carver kneeling and breathing heavily as Fenris tries to keep the dragon’s attention from him.

                _Get up, Carver… GET UP!_

                Carver starts to try and stand and starts to reach into his pouch for a healing potion, but with his head down he doesn’t see the dragon turn its attention to easier prey and it heads towards him. Fenris slices her blade along its tail, trying to regain its attention, but it only hisses and starts running towards Carver.

                _NO!_

                Hawke starts running towards him and blasts the dragon with cones of cold, but it doesn’t seem to deter it and as it lifts its head, ready to snap at his little brother, a blur of blue smashes into him, sending him sliding across the floor away from the closing jaws of the dragon. In his spot sits Fenris and the scream that leaves her mouth sends goosebumps along his body and a cold down his spine so sharp and fast that he stops running.

                “ _LET HER GO!_ ”

                He starts running again and watches as a bolt from Bianca slams into the dragon’s eye, but instead of releasing Fenris’ leg, it seems to hold on tighter and starts to shake its head. Fenris stifles another scream with a whimper and swings in the dragon’s mouth so she can grab onto its horns. He sees her reach and rip out its other eye as blood from her thigh pours out of its mouth and onto the floor. Varric shoots another bolt into its quivering neck and Carver finally gets back to his feet when Fenris takes her dagger and shoves it into the dragon’s eye socket. The dragon screeches and finally releases her leg before they both fall to the ground.

                _So much blood… is she moving?... is she breathing?... what was she THINKING?... please… please, don’t die on me now_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Pain. Pain. Pain. Her thigh, her hip, her elbow and shoulder, her head- it all felt like she was being flayed alive. She was vaguely aware that her body was shaking violently and that there were hands holding her down.

                “Make it _stop_ … make it _stop_ … _pleasemakeitstop_ …”

                _What did I do? Master, please stop… I’m sorry_ …

                “Fenris…”

                “ _Master_ … _please_ … I _beg you_ … _stop the pain_ … I will do _anything_ you wish… _please_ , _I_ will…”

                _I just want it to stop… just make it stop_ …

                “ _Fenris_ … I have to _heal_ you, but you _need_ to _lie still_ , three of the dragon’s teeth are _still inside you_.”

                _That isn’t Master Danarius… who_ … _wait…_

                She tries to lie still as her mind comes back to her and when it does, she bolts upright, and grabs the arm with the hand pulling a tooth from her thigh and roars in pain.

                “ _JUNIOR_ … _HAWKE_ … _HOLD HER DOWN_!”

                “ _Please_ … no more… _please_ … errrrgh… _AHHHH!_ ”

                She feels herself going into shock after Varric has pulled the second tooth from her leg and as she lays back Hawke holds her head in his lap. Her breathing is coming in short gasps, and her head is swimming as tears slide down her face into her ears.

                “Varric… _hurry_ … she’s going into _shock_ … I _need_ to start healing her _NOW_!”

                _He’s going to use his magic on me… no… no, this is bad enough… nonononono_ …

                “ _Don’t_ … you can’t… _don’t_ …”

                She shakes her head at him, but her head feels like it’s full of lead and it becomes harder and harder for her to shake.

                “ _VARRIC!_ ”

                “ _Almost_ … okay… _hold her down_ … I’m pulling it out…”

                “ _NNNNNNNGH… ERRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ ”

                The cavern fills with her piercing scream.

                _STOPstopstopstopstop_ ….

                _NOMORE_ …

                _nomore_ …

                Silence and sweet darkness blankets her mind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to rush the Deep Roads expedition, so I hope this isn't getting boring, but the next chapter will be finding the idol and what ensues after. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hopefully I'll have the next one posted in a few days :D <3 <3 <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter in the Deep Roads. WARNING: please keep tissues handy.
> 
>  
> 
> Musical inspiration: "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan and "Please Remember" by LeAnn Rimes

 

                Hawke was thankful that Fenris had passed out before he had to use his magic to heal her injuries from the fight with the dragon. It was bad enough that his body had reacted almost the same way as before, if perhaps a little subdued as before. He knew that was partially why she protested to it.

                _She saved Carver_ …

                He looks at his brother, now sleeping, as Hawke takes first watch. He had made Varric sleep as well since Fenris needed to rest as much as she could get before they moved forward. He had healed her rather quickly, to stop her from bleeding to death, but without any more lyrium potions he had been sorely depleted of mana to do much more than that. She would more than likely have deep scars on her thigh and Hawke felt horrible that he couldn’t heal her completely. He looks at her sleeping face and sighs.

                _She is even more beautiful than I imagined she’d look as she sleeps… so at peace… no fear… no tension_ …

                He looks at her hair, seeing it fall awkwardly down her face, and notices it’s grown quite a bit since she had cut it. He wonders if she is letting it grow out on purpose or if she just forgets to trim it. He supposes she could shave it off completely and he would still find her to be the most gorgeous being he had ever met. When they had first met her appearance had been a major factor in his attraction, but as they got to know each other he found that her mind, the depth of knowledge in her eyes, and her fierce independence was what had him still so enthralled by her. She had endured some of the worst things life could throw at her and she had grown strong and willful, intelligent and outspoken, yet she could still be playful and humorous. She was brave, protective- sometimes even showing her caring and compassionate side- and Hawke was a complete and total fool for her.

                _Of course I would fall in love with… AH SHIT! Admit it, you daft idiot, you’re in love with her… and… how could I not be? If only she could ever feel the same…_

                Hawke sits down next to her and slowly moves her bangs out of her face, tucking it behind her ear to keep it from falling back, when she breathes in deeply. His hand is still lightly touching her cheek when her hand comes up and covers his own and her eyes flutter. He watches an easy smile form on her face and she moans quietly, like his presence has removed some sort of physical pain, but she still needs sleep.

                “ _Shhh_ … you need to _rest_ , Fenris… _you’re safe_ … I’ll watch over you… _just rest_ …”

                He starts to move his hand away from her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable from the contact, but her hand holds fast to his hand and her fingers slide between his fingers.

                “Don’t go… _please_ don’t… don’t… _leave_ …”

                He watches her thumb slide back and forth on the back of his hand as her smile slowly grows slack and her breathing slows as she falls back into slumber, but her hand stays holding his as he slides his pleasantly buzzing thumb along her cheekbone.

                “ _Never_.”

 

~

 

                “ _Never_.”

                She had been lucid enough to hear him, to feel his thumb and his magic tingle and sweep softly back and forth along her cheekbone, but days later she still couldn’t discern if it had been real or if it had all been a dream.

 

~

 

                Two full weeks in the Deep Roads and Fenris was ready to scream. Though she found Varric to be an odd dwarf, she still couldn’t understand how dwarves could stand living without sunshine and an open sky- even a breeze. This endless stale air and endless dark caverns were enough to have anyone losing their mind. Varric and Hawke were off talking to Bartrand and Bodhan while Carver slept some more and she inspected the walls of the abandoned thaig they were now investigating. Whatever was veining up the walls was reacting oddly with her lyrium markings and it was making her even more anxious than she already was. She was finding herself scratching her exposed skin until it was raw more and more, as they lingered.

                _I would take a rainstorm… a thunderstorm… gusting winds… even snow or ice, over this place_ …

 

~

 

                They all walk up to the dais and when they’ve all circled the pedestal none of them speak for a few moments. Fenris’ markings feel like worms are sliding through them and she takes a step back as Varric steps closer.

                “ _You_ see what _I’m_ seeing?”

                _This thing is wrong_ …

                “Is that… _Lyrium_?”

                _Don’t touch it, Hawke_ …

                “Doesn’t _look_ like any kind of lyrium _I’ve_ ever seen.”

                Fenris notices Bartrand walk into the room they’ve found themselves in, but doesn’t pay him much attention as her eyes are locked on Hawke. His brows are furrowed as he looks at the idol, as though he can tell there is something wrong with it as well. He glances at her for a moment and their expressions match for that brief moment until Hawke slowly reaches out his hand to lift the idol.

                _Don’t touch… don’t touch… don’t touch_ …

                Hawke seems to come to a decision and he quickly grabs the idol, lifts it from the pedestal, and looks about the room and waits for any sort of trap.

                Nothing happens and they all take a shaky breath.

                “ _Look at this_ , Bartrand. An _idol_ … made out of _pure lyrium_ , I think. _Could be worth a fortune!_ ”

                Fenris starts to look around as she hears Bartrand whistle appreciatively and calls back.

                “You could be right… _excellent_ find…”

                _He doesn’t sound all that excited either_ …

                Hawke hands the idol to Varric and Varric turns to toss the idol to his brother.

                “We’ll take a look around… see if there’s anything else further in.”

                “ _You do that_ …”

                Fenris is studying the walls further in when she hears the others yell. She turns quickly to see Bartrand on the other side of the closing dwarven door. They all run to try and make it before it shuts, but she knows they’ll never make it.

                _Why does Bartrand just stand there?_

                “BARTRAND… _THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND YOU!_ ”

                Fenris feels her heart pounding in her chest and she looks around the door as though there might be a hidden switch that could open the door, but there is only the same walls that close them in on all other sides.

                “ _you always did notice everything, varric…_ ”

                They can barely hear him through the door, but his words bounce around inside her head like a tiny spiked mace.

                “Are you _joking_? You’re going to screw over your own _brother_ for a lousy _idol_?”

                “ _not just the idol… the location of this thaig alone is worth a fortune… and i’m not splitting that three ways… SORRY BROTHER!_ ”

                _What is he thinking?_

                “ _Bartrand!_ BARTRAND!”

                Bartrand doesn’t answer again and after a few moments Varric starts to punch and kick the door, yelling and screaming like a man possessed. He walks away from them, cursing his brother, and continues to randomly punch the walls in his anger. They make their way towards Varric as he curses again.

                “ _I swear_ , I will find that _son of a bitch_ … _sorry_ Mother… and I will _KILL HIM!_ ”

                Fenris watches him run his hand down his face and sighs as he looks at Hawke.

                “ _Uuuugh_ … let’s hope there’s a way out of here.”

                _Yes… let’s hope_ …

 

~

 

                “ _ENOUGH!_ ”

                _FASTA VASS! WHAT IS THAT?_

                “I would not see these creatures _harmed_ without _need_.”

                _Without need?_

                “I think them attacking us _first_ is need enough for _me_.”

                “They will not assault you further… not without _my permission_ …”

                “What _are_ these things… they seem like _Rock Wraiths_ , _but_ …”

                “They _hunger_ …”

                _That’s reassuring_ …

                “The _Profane_ have lingered in this place for _years beyond memory_ … _feeding_ on the magic stones until the _need_ is all they _know_ …”

                “ _Hawke_ …”

                He doesn’t stop to listen to her.

                “They _eat_ the _lyrium_ … sounds like a _healthy diet_ …”

                “I am not as they are _… I am_ … a _visitor_ …”

                _DEMON!_

                “You’re a _demon_ feeding on their _hunger_. I can _sense_ it.”

                “I would not see my feast _end_.”

                _We would see you dead!_

                “I _sense_ your _desire_. You seek to _leave this place_ , but you will need _my aid_ to do so…”

                “Could be a way out of here… _I don’t know_ …”

                _Shush, Carver_ …

                “What are our options?”

                _Don’t do it, Hawke… don’t do it… I don’t want to kill you, but I will if you become an abomination_ …

                “Why do we need your aid to leave?”

                _Yes… let’s just kill this demon and be gone_ …

                “There is another door that leads into the paths far above us. _That_ is what you seek.”

                _There… no need to make a deal… we can figure this out ourselves_ …

                “It has been sealed, _however_ , and cannot be opened without a _key_.”

                _Lies_ …

                “I know where the key is. _Do as I ask_ , and I shall tell you.”

                “ _Hmph_. What do _you_ think, Hawke?”

                “I’m _not_ becoming that _thing’s_ next meal!”

                _Thank the Maker!_

                “ _MOST_ un _wise_ …”

 

~

 

                After killing the Hunger Demon, Hawke can barely muster up enough excitement to care what treasures they’ve found hidden away with the key to get out. They stuff their packs with as much as they can and use the key to open the door leading out. They make their way through a few hallways when they come upon a large pathway.

                “ _Hmm_ … I’d say this is our way back.”

                _Finally, this nightmare is almost over_ …

                “How _long_ to get back?”

                “If we’re _unlucky_ , maybe a week.”

                _That’s not so bad_ …

                “And if we’re _lucky_?”

                “We stumble over Bartrand’s _corpse_ along the way.”

                _HA! That would be lucky_.

                “ _Hahahaha_ …”

                Hawke feels lighter than he had since they started this damn expedition and he couldn’t wait to be under the stars and feel the breeze on his face.

                _Maybe I’ll jump in the cold water of the Coast… maybe roll around in the dry grass and make it rain until my clothes dissolved_ …

                He looks at Fenris and sees his wishes mirrored in her eyes and they share genuine smiles with each other for a few moments before Fenris follows Varric. He looks finally to his brother and sees that he is ready to leave as well. He gives him a sympathetic look and grabs his shoulder before he too follows the others.

                _We’ll set camp soon, Brother… then we can all rest_ …

 

~

 

                Five days and things were finally starting to look familiar. Hawke couldn’t shake the dread he had been feeling and Carver seemed to be just as exhausted as before. He knew they would all be feeling better once they were out of Deep Roads, but it would probably still be another two days before that happened.

                “This part of the Deep Roads looks familiar.”

                “We’re _back where we started_ … and in only _five days_ … not bad, _eh_?”

                Hawke watches Varric and Fenris walk down a set of stairs when he hears Carver behind him.

                “Think we could… _take a break? I feel wrong…_ ”

                _I’ll have him stop by Anders when we get back… he’s good with colds_ … _Carver you always were a baby when it came to getting sick…_

                “Let’s make camp if you’re _sick_ , Carver.”

                “ _Hmnh_ … I’ll wager it was those _deep mushrooms_ we found.”

                _Probably_ …

                “No… _it’s_ …”

                Hawke turns and watches as Carver falls to his knees, then falls the rest of the way to the ground.

                “ _CARVER!_ ”

                _What’s wrong_ … _no… NO!_

                Hawke stares into his brother’s clouded eyes and dread takes ahold of his heart. He just watches in horror as his brother’s veins grow darker and darker. He barely has enough strength to sit up and Hawke feels his heart cracking, like a mirror about to shatter.

                _Not you too… I can’t lose you too… I can’t_ …

                “It’s the _Blight_ … _isn’t_ it? Just like that _Templar_ … _Wesley_ …”

                _There’s got to be something we can do… some way to save him… we can… I can… I_ …

                “I’ll be just as _dead_ … just as _gone_ …”

                _NO! No… no… this can’t… no_ …

                “There _must_ be some other way…”

                “I’m not going to make it… _not_ to the _surface_ … not _anywhere_ … it’s getting worse…”

                _Don’t give up now… don’t do that_ …

                “We’re in the middle of _nowhere_ … _we can’t help him_ …”

                _WE CAN! There HAS TO BE A WAY… I’m NOT leaving my little brother down in this Maker forsaken PIT!_

                Carver manages to sit up and he puts his hands on Hawke’s shoulders to steady himself. Hawke can feel his brother’s hands shaking and he knows he’s scared. He feels himself being pulled under a river of sorrow and images of their father’s death fill his mind and heart.

                _My fault_ …

                Bethany being crushed by an ogre.

                _My fault_ …

                _My little brother, dying from the Blight, right in front of my eyes_.

                _My fault_ …

                Carver squeezes his shoulders and Hawke looks at him with blurry eyes. He tries to keep his lips from quivering, but he fails and Carver starts to cry as well.

                “ _You’ll_ do it… won’t you, _Brother_?”

                _Don’t ask me to do this… I can’t do this_ …

                “You always _did_ ask for the _world_ , _Carver_.”

                _And I would give it to you now, if I could_ …

                “And you _always gave it_ … it’s just _you_ now… take care of Mother…”

                _Mother! How can I come back?… How can I face her without you?… without my little brother_ …

                Hawke only nods his head before he and Carver embrace each other. He holds on as long as Carver allows him, but soon his brother is breathing raggedly and pulls himself out of his arms. Hawke watches as Carver pulls out his dagger and puts it in Hawke’s hand. He looks into his brother’s eyes and tries to stay strong for him as he lifts the dagger to his brother’s chest- right above his heart.

                He barely notices as Fenris and Varric stand beside Carver.

                Carver smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

                Hawke’s hands shake as he puts his hand behind his brother’s neck.

                He pulls him forward so their foreheads touch.

 _I can’t do this_ …

                “ _Please_ , Brother…”

 _I can’t let him become one of them_ … _he deserves better_ …

               His will to stay strong is slipping.

               He can feel his heart breaking.

 _Stay strong... stay strong for him_ …

               “I’m _so sorry_ , Carver…”

               “ _I love you_ , Brother.”

               “I love you _too_ …”

               Hawke slides the dagger in.

               Carver sighs quietly-

               and breathes no more.

               The pressure in his chest builds.

               Builds into a hill-

               Into a bluff-

               Into a mountain-

 _It hurts_.

               Hawke burns.

               Until the pain and guilt blasts him to pieces.

               There is a deafening silence and Hawke can’t keep the pain from his broken heart any longer. He cries out as he holds his forehead against Carver’s, then shakily pulls his brother’s body into his arms and lets his own body break apart. He holds Carver’s body against his chest, rocking him back and forth, and cries and wails as he holds his little brother’s head against his shoulder.

 _This is my fault… I should have left you home… this is my fault, Carver… I was supposed to protect you… I failed… I failed… I’m so sorry_ …

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry... I cried writing the end of this chapter... I hope I did well conveying the emotions of Carver's death. I know he could be a little shit pain in the ass, but he was still Hawke's little brother, and I tried to imagine having to do this to my little brother and it literally hurt me so bad :'( I'm sure the songs didn't help either, but yea... I wanted to wait to post this chapter, but I didn't want to have to look at it anymore :( please forgive me... 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is, of course, still mourning as they make their way out of the Deep Roads. Hawke remembers and the tension between Fenris and Hawke finally comes to a head, though there isn't any smut... not yet :P

                After Fenris and Varric figure out what to do with Carver, they help a destroyed Hawke to his feet, and they all stand vigil as they burn Carver’s body. Both Fenris and Varric decide to give Hawke his space for the day before either of them tries to talk to him. Fenris tries first and the most she can get are fake smiles or Hawke just stares at her like she isn’t there. She gives up for a while after that, feeling too much like when she was a slave, and lets Varric try- he isn’t even able to pull out fake smiles. They both keep trying, but by the time they are rolling out their bedrolls Hawke is reduced to vacant stares and skeletal shambling.

                _I am not experienced with comforting others… I wish I were_ …

                During their first night as three, Fenris takes first watch and decides to let Varric sleep longer than usual. Carver was Hawke’s little brother and Fenris felt the loss too, but besides Hawke, Varric had known Carver longer than her as well. He was grieving just as Hawke was. She finds herself standing near Hawke’s bedroll, watching his sleeping face scowl and listening to his breathing hitch and stutter, she knows who haunts his dreams.

                _I’m so sorry, Hawke… I’m so… so sorry_ …

                She sits down near his bedroll and listens for anything unordinary, but after a moment of hearing only noises of the cavern they’ve found themselves in, Fenris turns her attention back to Hawke. His hair is greasy and in need of a long washing, but Fenris knows her own hair is fairing the same. His beard has grown rather bushy as well and she figures it will probably be a nice hassle for him if he feels the need to trim it. She finds herself lightly touching Hawke’s hair, sliding it through her fingers and twisting it slightly before lightly setting it back down. His brows furrow again after she stops running her fingers through his hair and she starts to run her thumb along his eyebrows, as though she is smoothing them back out. Hawke begins mumbling in his sleep.

                “ _Isss my fault… s... s.. sorry… myfault_ …”

                She can’t help but whisper back.

                “It’s not _your_ _fault_ … it was _never_ your fault…”

 

* * *

 

 

                Their last day completely in the Deep Roads is like night and day to the one before it, but not a pleasant change. Hawke spends the first part of the day giving curt one word answers to anything they ask him, or he doesn’t deign to answer them at all. By the time they stop to have lunch Fenris can tell that Varric is just as tense as she is. Hawke has plenty of moments where he seems to walk without being conscious of where he’s going, but by the end of the day he is purposely trying to antagonize a fight between, either the both of them, or between him and Varric. Varric is surprisingly better equipped to brush off Hawke’s antics than she is, so most of their night is spent with Varric playing mediator between them. She now finds herself arguing with Hawke about the amount of food she rationed out to the three of them.

                “ _Varric_ had more _nuts_ than _I did_ …”

                _Really? This is what we’re arguing about?_

                “ _Still do_ , Hawke…”

                “And you had more _cheese_ than _either_ of _us_.”

                “Yes, I had more _cheese_ , but you know _what_? I gave _you_ more _bread_ because it’s more filling, and I gave _Varric_ more _nuts_ because too much bread makes him _gassy_.”

                “It _does not!_ ”

                Fenris just glares at Varric until he waves his hand at her.

                “ _So_ … are there any _more_ _accusations_ you wish to _spit_ at me?”

                Fenris looks at Hawke with a glare and finds him glaring at the floor. She slowly feels herself deflate as the anger and irritation leave her. She realizes that the closer they get to Kirkwall, the closer they get to Hawke’s mother. For the rest of the day Fenris uses her skills from when she was a slave to keep herself from fighting with Hawke. He tries incessantly, at first, to start a fight with her, but after a few hours all three of them are silent as the dead. This night, Varric tries to repay her favor, but she still wakes after a few hours to start her watch. Hawke would gripe in the morning that they allowed him to sleep through the night again, but she hoped the fresh hair of the Wounded Coast would distract him.

                _I can hope… I don’t want to fight anymore_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                They stay one more night at this entrance to the Deep Roads and Hawke sits awake for the first watch and thinks about memories of Carver and Bethany as kids. He was a little over five years older than the two of them- than they _had_ been. He remembers when Bethany had learned she had magic- she had frozen Carver’s feet to the ground as he tried to run from her. Carver had nailed her braid to her bed and she had been so angry with him. Leandra, so worried for her little girl, had ordered Malcolm to move them somewhere else. Hawke remembers getting so angry and threatening to tell his friends that he was a mage, but Malcolm had spoken of Circles and Templars and Elliot Hawke had found himself in his room packing his few possessions like a child on the run from the boogeyman. They moved to Lothering then and Malcolm and Elliot had taught Bethany how to hide her magic, how to recognize Templars, and taught her about spirits and demons in the Fade. Hawke remembers Carver being so excited for her and had told Elliot, in confidence, that he hoped his magic would come soon. When it hadn’t, he became less and less happy for his siblings.

                _We’d probably all be in the Circle if you had had magic, Carver… then I suppose… you and Beth… you’d both still be alive_ …

                Hawke moves from their camp, closer to the cave’s entrance where rain pours down in waves, and uses the noise to fall to his knees and cry. He doesn’t notice Fenris lying awake, listening to his cries and keeping an ear out for anything else, so he can mourn.

 

* * *

 

 

                After traveling for two days, it is their last night before they make it to Kirkwall. They could have just made the rest of the trip, not having any real need to stop and make camp, but Fenris and Varric could tell that Hawke still needed time before he faced his mother. Their camp is close to the shore of the Coast, so they all take turns washing, but when Hawke doesn’t return after an hour Fenris tells Varric she’ll check on him.

                “Make sure he doesn’t _drown_ , Broody.”

                _Not likely… I can’t swim_ …

                Fenris only nods her head before she walks in the direction she noticed Hawke heading. The breeze from the Coast is a balm to her exposed skin and Fenris is glad her hair is short, as the wind blows through her sweat drenched hair. She feels she could do without the smell, but she would take what she could get for small comforts outside of the Deep Roads. She just makes it to the sandy shore, wiggling her toes into the sand as she steps, when she sees a dark silhouette near the lapping water. She would worry that she was walking up on some wandering traveler, but she could feel Hawke’s magic wash over her- silky soft as always, if maybe a little heavier.

                “I was _wondering_ if one of you would check on me _soon_.”

                _At least he is alert as he sits alone_.

                “ _Varric_ wanted me to make sure you didn’t _drown_ , but I’m afraid I’d be a _poor rescuer_ if you _were_ …”

                “Why is that?”

                _More that I lack_ …

                “I… _cannot swim_ …”

                She watches Hawke, or rather his shadowed head, turn in her direction. She wished she could see his face.

                “ _Truly_?”

                “Truly.”

                “Well, _that’s_ unfortunate… I _loved_ swimming as a kid.”

                _I suppose I might have known, before I received these markings, but… No… no more dwelling on a past you cannot remember_ …

                “I could _teach_ _you_ sometime, if _you’d like_ …”

                _UGH!_

                “ _Yes, let’s teach the helpless slave to swim_ …”

                “ _I’m sorry_ … that’s not what I was insinuating… I just thought…”

                Fenris listens to him sigh and she stares at her hand and the lyrium brands that line her palms up to her fingertips.

                “I know… it’s… _AH_ … my _shortcomings_ are not things you should worry yourself with, Hawke…”

                “I _do_ worry about you though.”

                _You do?_

                “You _shouldn’t_.”

                “And _why not_?”

                _Because!_

                “ _Because_ you have more _important_ things to worry about than an _escaped slave_.”

                _And I should not even matter to you_ … _especially right now…_

                Fenris watches Hawke’s shadowed head shake from side to side and she finds it strange that his magic feels as though it is softly caressing her cheek, like a ghost of his thumb sliding along her cheekbone. Fenris sighs and stands. She opens her mouth to speak, but decides against it, when Hawke moves to stand. She waits for him to speak- to move- but when he only stands, she turns to walk back to camp.

                _He is still mourning_.

                “I’m sorry…”

                _Though that is insufficient_ …

                “So am I…”

                _He is sorry?_

                “Why would _you_ be…”

                Fenris turns around as she speaks, but her words are cut off as Hawke rushes to her and slides his hands along her jaw and behind her head before he kisses her. She hadn’t imagined…

 

* * *

 

 

                Hawke hadn’t planned to kiss Fenris, but now that he had he couldn’t even fathom thinking of anything else. Her cool and tingling, soft as down, lips formed to his so easily he would have thought they were made for each other. And the surprised sigh that escaped her right after she figured out he was going to kiss her and when their lips met- he knew he would be dreaming of it for the rest of his life. He pulls back after a few moments, slowly dropping his unwilling hands, and waits for a fist through his chest- or even a shove before she would storm off, but instead she surges back to him like a wolf going in for the kill.

                _If this is how I am to die… I will die happy_ …

                Hawke notices Fenris’ body leaning into his and without thought he puts his hands on her hips and slowly moves them to her lower and middle back. Her gauntleted hands slide into his hair painfully as he pulls her closer, but he can’t seem to care as he slides his tongue against her lower lip. Her response is a low moan before her mouth opens and grants his tongue access to hers.

                _How is that possible?... Blueberries_ …

                Hawke can’t stop his body from shuddering, the same old tingle of their touch now coursing through his entire body, and he finds his arms pulling her even closer, until she somehow ends up wrapping her legs around his waist and he’s holding her aloft as their tongues and lips dance. His arousal strains against his smalls and leathers beneath his robes and he involuntarily pulls her hips closer to his, grinding their bodies together as their kisses deepen.

                _I will never want anyone else, Fenris… I will only ever want you until the day I die_ …

                Hawke lowers Fenris to the ground, not breaking the kiss or the grinding contact of their lower bodies, as he lays over her. A second later Fenris is flipping Hawke onto his back and she’s straddling and grinding against his hips. Hawke starts unbuckling her breast plate, but Fenris moves to sit up.

                “Isabela.”

                _What?_

 

* * *

 

 

                _He was kissing Isabela that night… and you’re with Sebastian… this is wrong_ …

                She and Hawke continue breathing heavily as she waits for him to answer her. He lifts his hand to her cheek before he can.

                “ _What about_ Isabela?”

                _Don’t play daft with me, Hawke_ …

                “You _know_ that I saw the both of you that night at The Hanged Man… _do not_ sound as though I _imagined_ it…”

                Hawke stills beneath her and she feels her fears are answered until he huffs out a laugh. She scowls at him, ready to get up and leave him in the sand, when he grabs her face lightly and pulls her down to him.

                “There has _never been_ , nor will there _ever be_ , anything between _Isabela_ and I… she figured out that I was trying to… _after_ … after seeing you and Sebastian outside of The Hanged Man… and then when you found _us_ … she _slapped_ me and left me in the hall… which I was and _still am_ glad for…”

                _Oh_ …

                “ _What about_ _you and Sebastian_?”

                She feels about to defend herself, but she notices that Hawke’s tone suggests that he’s only just now thought of him. She feels horrible that she’s also only just thought of him. Her brows furrow and she opens her mouth to speak, but words escape her and she sits looking like a fish out of water. Tears threaten to fall, but she holds them back.

                “ _I’m sorry_ …”

                _I’m sorry, Hawke… I’m sorry, Sebastian_ …

                “Sorry… _for_ …”

                _Alert as ever_ …

                “Sorry for _everything_ …”

                “ _Fenris_ …”

                “Sebastian is a _good man_ … he makes me _happy_ most days…”

                _Makes me forget_ …

                “ _But_ …”

                _Venhedis, Hawke… you still don’t know?_

                “But… _he_ … is not the _one_ I want…”

                Now that her eyes have adjusted to the dark she can see Hawke’s eyes widen, then close completely with a sigh of relief, before he surges up into a sitting position with Fenris still in his lap. Her eyes close automatically as she waits for him to mesh their mouths together again, but after a moment of only feeling his breath brushing against her lips, she opens her eyes and sees Hawke’s open and questioning.

                “ _Hawke_?”

                _What is it?_

                “ _Elliot_ … my _name_ … call me, Elliot…”

                _Elliot… Elliot… hmnh… I like that_ …

                “El… _Elliot_ … _is_ … is something wrong?”

                “ _I just_ … I want you to _tell me_ … tell me, what _you_ _want_ … I don’t _ever_ want to take more than you’re willing to give…”

                Fenris just stares at Hawke, open mouthed in astonishment, as his words play over and over in her head. She feels fear at first, that he would give her this power- that he would let her choose- but it soon turns to exhilaration and she finally finds her voice.

                “I want to say _first_ … that I want to take _this_ slow… I’m not… _I’m_ … I _need_ to break it off with _Sebastian_ … it wouldn’t be _fair_ to him, _but_ if you’re _willing_ … I…”

                _How do I tell you? The things that were done to me… I am broken… you deserve better, but…_

                “You can _tell me_ , Fenris… _anything_ …”

                _Please don’t make promises you can’t keep… please_ …

                “I _want_ … _you_ … I want you… to _kiss me_ …”

                _I can tell him of my past later… later, Fenris_ …

                Fenris watches him smile hesitantly, and she finds herself doing the same as he slowly lifts his hand, runs his thumb along her cheekbone with the ever present tingle, and slowly pulls her head closer. He keeps eye contact with her, making sure without words that she is still giving him permission, as he brings their mouths closer together. Her heart feels as though it might beat out of her chest if he doesn’t kiss her already and as their lips are about to touch, their breaths mingling in an intricate dance, she flutters her eyes closed and closes the distance herself. After their lips touch, a bolt of power surges through her and she grips the front of his robes and lifts herself so she is leaning completely over him. Though this kiss is slow she finds it is just as, if not more, intense than their first and as they slant their heads to deepen the kiss further Fenris hears Elliot moan and it fills her core with molten heat. She hears fabric tearing and breaks the kiss to see that her gauntlets have torn some of Elliot’s robe and she lets him go.

                “ _I’m sorry!_ ”

                _So stupid_ …

                “It’s _fine_ , Fenris… _here_ … give me your hands…”

                She gives him her hands and watches in a dizzy haze as he pulls off her gauntlets. He takes her hand that had been filled with glass and brings it to his lips. He kisses each knuckle, each fingertip, all the way to her wrist before he pulls her back in to continue kissing her lips. He kneads his hands along her hips as she grips his hair with one hand and runs her fingers through his beard with the other. Fenris loses all sense of time as she and Elliot continue kissing and touching. She enjoys that Elliot seems to hesitate before doing anything different with her, silently asking for permission with everything.

                _He is so different… I never imagined_ …

                Fenris finally notices that she can only just feel Elliot’s magic and she wonders for a moment if it is because of their minds being preoccupied, but the thought doesn’t leave her. She could only imagine what they’d be doing if it was stronger. She can feel her body wanting to take over, to find any way to find release, but she reigns herself in and manages to pull herself away from Elliot. She puts her forehead against his, takes a breath to steady herself, and to clear her fuzzy thoughts before things can go further.

                “ _Elliot_ …”

                _So strange, but already so familiar_ …

                “ _I know_ … I know… _take things slow_ …”

                “Thank you…”

                “Fenris, _I_ …”

                _Not yet… please, not yet… I can’t… I want to… I want to so bad it hurts, but_ …

                She looks in his eyes, pleading with her own for him to not utter those words, not yet. He seems to understand and reigns himself in as well. He smiles at her and kisses her lightly again before he speaks.

                “I _will_ wait… no matter how _long_ it takes… even if you _never_ … even _if_ … _whatever you need_ , Fenris… I will _always_ be here.”

                She sighs and leans her head against his.

                “I don’t deserve you…”

                “I agree.”

                _Of course you do_ … _wait..._

                “You deserve _better_ … you deserve _so much better_ …”

                _Stupid mage_ … _mage… huh… what have you done to me, Elliot?_

                “If you knew of _everything_ _I’ve_ _done_ … you wouldn’t think so… _but_ , I do have _one_ question…”

                “ _Anything_ …”

                _What am I going to do with you?_

                “When you _healed_ my _hand_ all those weeks ago… how I _reacted_ to your magic… while we were… _you know_ … just a minute ago… were you _holding it back?_ ”

                She watches him smile and rub his hand along the back of his neck before he answers.

                “ _Yeah_ … I uh… when you said we should _take it slow_ … I didn’t want… I _knew_ how we _both_ reacted… and I didn’t think _that_ would help… with _slow_ …”

                _No… probably not_ …

                “I have _never_ reacted that way to magic… _ever_ … it has _always_ brought me _pain_ … but… not with you… _well_ … besides when you _almost shocked me to death_ …”

                “ _Hey now_ … that was an _accident_ …”

                Fenris only laughs at him and pushes him back to the ground before she kisses him hard on the lips quickly and stands up. She holds her hand out to him to help him up and after she’s helped him stand she looks up at him and wonders.

                “Can I _feel it_ … _just_ for a _moment_?”

                _Don’t give me that smirk… that’s not what I meant_ …

                “I meant your _magic_ , you _letch_.”

                Hawke only wiggles his eyebrows at her for a moment before he wraps his arms around her and slowly lets his magic free. The feeling is pleasant and hesitant at first, the tingle enveloping her skin, but a few moments go by and she can feel it building. The heat is returning to her core and she’s soon panting and rubbing her body against Elliot as he buries his head into the crook of her shoulder and pulls her hips against his arousal. He runs his fingers along the shell of her ear and kisses her pulse point as they both moan loudly.

                “Okay… _so_ … _keep magic in check_ …”

                _Yes… yes, that is probably best_ …

                “Yes.”

                She wants to complain as Elliot pulls his magic back, but she knows it’s for the best. She really does want to take things slowly and if he kept that up her mind would become mush and her body would function on primal need alone.

                “We should get back… _Varric_ probably thinks we’ve both _drowned_.”

                “Maybe we _still are_.”

                She looks at him and sees the hesitant smile again.

                _Yes, maybe we are_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                That night, unknown to Hawke, Fenris has memories of her past before the markings paralyze her and she remembers, if only for a little while what dreams she had forgotten the last time his magic had taken over. She feels herself crying happily as it all returns, only to feel herself breaking all over again as the details and names leave her. She can recall that she had remembered pieces of her past, but not what. The feelings of being broken and not deserving love return with such fierceness that even as morning dawns and they begin their walk back to Kirkwall, she can’t shake it even a little and she decides that, until she can fix herself, she and Hawke cannot be. She only needs to find the strength to tell him.

                _It is not strength… I am a coward_ …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to rush Hawke out of mourning cause that's just so unrealistic its irritating, and even at the end he still isn't better, but I didn't want this whole chapter to be sad cause the last chapter still hurts too much and the next chapter will have more heartbreak and angst as well. Sorry, not sorry, for the ending... please don't hate me, but it didn't work for how I imagine their story going for them to sleep together now :/ I hope you all can forgive me... *throwing myself at your mercy* as always, comments are encouraged and appreciated... I appreciate everyone who has left or is going to leave kudos... bookmark if you're enjoying this fic... and I love you all :D


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst-NSFW-NSFW-NSFW-Angst-Pain- and Grieving ahead :(

                Fenris knew Hawke was wasting more time by taking her home, but she couldn’t seem to find it in her to tell him in front of Gamlen’s home that she couldn’t do this with him. To know that what they had been about to start together was bringing her memories back, but she was unable to keep them scared her more than the thought of Danarius reclaiming her. She knew she was being a coward and that her reasons for ending what had barely begun with Hawke were paltry excuses, but a coward never really needs a good excuse.

                “You haven’t spoken much… _even less than usual_ … is something _wrong_?”

                _I don’t want to do this… I want you, Elliot… I want what it is you’re offering me… but I’m so scared… and I’m so broken… how could you possibly want someone like me?_

                She remains quiet as they enter her mansion and Hawke doesn’t push her for an answer until they are in her room and she begins starting a fire. Hawke walks up behind her and touches her arm and before Fenris can stop herself she recoils from his touch.

                “ _Fenris_?”

                “We _cannot_ do this.”

                “What… _why_?”

                _Please… don’t make this harder than it has to be_ …

                “ _Because_ it _cannot be_ … we are _too different_ … our beliefs too _conflicting_ … we just… _can’t_ …”

                “ _I don’t understand_ …”

                “What do you not _understand_? I do not _want_ this…”

                Hawke steps up to her so there is barely and inch between them.

                “ _You do not want this?_ You can _honestly_ tell me that?”

                _No… not honestly… but it is what is best… and if I must be cruel_ …

                Fenris looks up at Hawke and, with all of the will she possesses, keeps her features as a mask of indifference before she answers.

                “I do not want this.”

                She sees the hurt flash in his eyes for a moment before he hides it from her.

                “I think you’re _lying_.”

                _I’ve learned how to lie very well… it was the only way to survive some things when I was a slave_ …

                “What is so _hard_ about this? I am an _escaped slave_ , living in a _borrowed mansion_ …”

                “Yes, and I am an _apostate_ and a _refugee_ … what is your _point_?”

                “ _Yes_ , and an _idiot mage_ at that… I _hate_ mages, yet you _pursue_ this… _what is this_ to you? Trying to prove that _the mage can conquer the slave_?”

                “ _What_? NO… _why would you even_ …”

                “It is _always_ the same with _you_ … but I am _done_ being _CONQUERED_ by _MAGES_!”

                _Why must it always turn to fighting with us?_

                “I am _NOT DANARIUS_! I have _never_ and _WOULD NEVER_ force you to do anything you didn’t _want_ to do… I thought you _knew_ that?”

                _I do… I do, but this anger… this HATE… it is all I know_ …

                “You are not Danarius… _YET_ … give it _time_ … I take you to my _bed_ and before I know it you’ll have me on the floor like a _dog_ , licking your heels, and _begging_ for any sort of attention you would see fit to give me… even if it is the _lashing of my skin_.”

                Hawke looks at her with horror and pain pouring from him and he lifts his hands to touch her cheek, but she swats his hand away.

                “This _can’t_ be all that’s _bothering_ you… _what are you not telling me_?”

                _Please just leave it alone_ …

                “ _Should_ there be _more_? _That_ is _not enough_?”

                “ _Fenris_ … please… _just tell me_ …”

                “WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER MY MEMORIES COME BACK, _but they do not stay_ … _HAPPY NOW_?”

                “Wait… your _memories_?”

                “From before I received these _retched markings_ … I have _no memories_ , but those few times _your magic_ touched me, my _memories_ would come back for a few moments, but then they would _slip through my grasp_ like a _fish_ through _water_ …”

                “But… if you’re _remembering_ … shouldn’t we keep _trying_?”

                _You don’t understand_ … _how could you understand…_

                “You need to leave.”

                “ _Fenris_ …”

                _I’m so sorry_ …

                “ _How about you stop being a coward and tell your mother that her youngest son is dead_.”

                Fenris slowly watches the change come over Hawke. His eyes, once caring and understanding, are now like ice- as cold and dead as her heart. He steps back from her and shakes his head as though he is agreeing with her, and maybe he is, but he is also angry.

                _It will be better if you hate me_ …

                “Fenris, _are you home_?”

                _Sebastian_ …

                Fenris watches Hawke’s façade slide for a moment and his brows furrow as he listens to Sebastian ascend the stairs to her room. She knows he is silently asking her to reconsider, but she feels herself break inside as she keeps her face blank. Sebastian walks in and sees them standing silently and stops for a moment. She is sure he can feel the tension between the two of them and as Hawke turns to leave with his head hanging in defeat Sebastian must think he knows why.

                After she can no longer hear Hawke’s feet as he leaves she raises her hands to cover her face and just breathes into her gauntlets to try and calm herself. Sebastian doesn’t seem to feel like being quiet any longer.

                “So, can I guess what that was about?”

                “Excuse me?”

                _Don’t you dare…_

                “You were all _gone_ for _weeks_ … men have _needs_ … I didn’t see any _other_ women in that _expedition_ … and I _saw_ before you _left_ how Hawke looked at _you_ …”

                “What you are _implying_ is _ludicrous_ … Hawke and I _never_ …”

                “Do not _lie_ to me, Fenris… I _can’t_ …”

                _What is it with_ …

                “If _one more person_ accuses me of _lying_ I will begin to rip out hearts… it has been a long and _trying_ few weeks and I would like to take a bath and _relax_ if that is alright with you…”

                “So _you and him_ never…”

                _Almost_ …

                “We did not sleep together, _if that is what you are asking_ … I did not sleep with _anyone_ during that expedition… now if you’ll _excuse_ me…”

                “ _Wait_ … I’m sorry… the assumption was unkind of me… _please_ … I _just_ … I _missed_ you while you were gone, and it _hurt_ that you did not come see me as soon as you were back in the city… I apologize…”

                _I am too tired for this_ …

                “I _missed you too_ Sebastian…”

                “You _did_?”

                “ _Of course_ I did.”

                Sebastian quickly closes the distance between them and covers her mouth with his. It feels different to be kissing Sebastian after so long away, but after the fight she and Hawke just had she can’t help but let what’s about to happen with Sebastian happen. She empties her thoughts and lets her body take over instead. Though Sebastian was right that a man has needs, he always neglects to remember that a woman also has needs, and after the last few weeks her body is ravenous for relief. She quickly removes her gauntlets and soon buries her fingers into Sebastian’s hair as she deepens the kiss. They both moan and Sebastian pulls her closer against his body as he slowly moves her backwards. She expects to be thrown against a wall, but is surprised when Sebastian lowers her to the ground in front of her fire. They both quickly remove their armor and small clothes and as Sebastian lies above her he speaks.

                “ _I love you_ , Fenris… I _need_ you… I _need_ to be _inside_ of you…”

                With that he slips his arm under one of her legs and pushes it towards her as he sheathes himself inside of her. She flinches as her body grows accustomed to being full again, but without a moment to fully adjust he is thrusting into her and moaning loudly. A moan whimpers out of her and she grabs the back of Sebastian’s neck with one hand and wraps her other arm around her lifted leg just like Sebastian’s. The position lets him go deeper than her body is used to and she can feel him hitting deep inside of her causing her to moan louder as well. She can feel the heat in her core starting to boil and she knows she’ll fall over the edge soon.

                “I am _serious_ about _you and I_ , Fenris… these past weeks were _agony_ … I have _dreamt_ of you _every night_ and when I awoke to you _not there_ it _killed me_ … _AH_ … _yesss_ … you’re so _tight_ … I can feel you all around me… _so wet_ … _ugh_ , it feels so _good_ to be _inside_ you… are you going to come for me, _Fenris_?”

                _Yes… yes… I’m going to come… yes Elliot_ … _VISHANTE KAFFAS!_

                “ _Fuck me_ , Sebastian… _fuck me so hard I forget everything else in this Maker forsaken world!_ ”

                Sebastian smiles at her before he slides his tongue into her mouth and thrusts into her so hard she wonders if she’ll start her monthly bleed the next day. She can feel his hips hitting her arse and thigh so hard it stings and he holds on to her shoulder with his free hand to leverage himself so he can slam into her. They are both panting and moaning and Fenris can feel the tension and heat building in her core when he pulls her other leg up and as he continues to thrust into her and the pain thrums through her along with the pleasure of his thrusting she feels her body starting to crest.

                “ _Yes_ … _yes_ … _fuck me_ , Sebastian… make me _hurt for days… fuck me so hard_ that I will think of only _you_ … _hurt me_ …”

                _What is wrong with you?_

                “ _Whatever_ _my_ _love_ _wishes_ …”

                Sebastian lowers his body to hers and he grunts and thrusts into her with mindless vigor and she feels him bite down on her shoulder. The sharp pain mixed with the boiling heat sends her over and she yells out her release to the walls and ceiling of her room. As her body starts to come down she can feel Sebastian’s frantic thrusting and he roars as he pulls out of her and his seed shoots all the way up to her neck.

                _At least he remembered not to come inside of me_ …

                Fenris feels her body trying to melt into the stone floor and after Sebastian wipes her chest and neck clean he pulls his cloak from his clothing and armor and covers them both with it as he lies next to her and drapes an arm over her waist. She is too tired to wipe the tears that slide down the sides of her face before she succumbs to sleep as well.

                _I am sorry, Elliot… it seems I will always be broken_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _She’s right, of course… I am a coward_ …

                Elliot stands outside of Gamlen’s home and paces. He can feel the panic and the despair held back by only a thread and he knows that causing his mother this grief, just as she had felt after Bethany’s death, will only crush his mind’s will to keep those feelings at bay.

                _Mother has lost everyone, except the one who caused it all… me_ …

                He thinks about the fight he and Fenris just had and he still can’t seem to figure out what went wrong. Elliot felt sure she was lying at first, but by the end of their fight, when Sebastian showed up, he wasn’t so sure anymore. She was so cold and cruel, and she seemed unaffected as she crushed his hope and what was left of his broken heart- he hated that; hated her for a moment. After a few moments Elliot found himself wondering if maybe she had been right to end whatever had been starting between them. He was and still is broken- losing his younger brother had smashed all the work he had done to fix what broke after Bethany died.

                _Maybe she did us both a favor_ … _I just wish it didn’t hurt so much_ …

                Elliot finally reaches for the door handle, when it opens, and Gamlen starts as though he was leaving. He stops as he notices Elliot and instantly calls to Leandra.

                “ _Leandra_! They’re _home_!”

                _Just me_ …

                “ _Thank_ the _Maker_!”

                Leandra comes to the open door and the smile on her face is like seeing the sun after weeks in the Deep Roads, but after she hugs him and holds his face for a moment she joins Gamlen in looking for someone who will never come home. Elliot can feel the dam breaking inside of him and Gamlen realizes before Leandra can even ask.

                “Where is _Carver_? Where is your _brother_?”

                _I’m so sorry, Mother_ …

                “ _Mother_ …”

                “ _Where is_ he?”

                “I’m _sorry_ …”

                “ _WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS CARVER?_ ”

                Elliot can feel the tears starting to slide down his face.

                “He’s _gone_ , Mother… _he’s gone_ …”

                “What do you _mean_ _GONE_? Bring him _BACK_ … bring my _baby HOME_!”

                _I tried… but I failed_ …

                Leandra begins to cry as she clutches onto Gamlen’s arm and Elliot can feel the blame, like shackles of the accused, clamping onto him so tightly that the wounds will only fade to gruesome scars. He reaches out to her, tries to comfort her, but she waves him away and turns into Gamlen as her knees give out and she slowly falls to the floor. Elliot feels the pain lashing out of the cage he forced it into and once it gains an inch it forces the door open the rest of the way- crushing sadness and despair follow on pain’s coattails and Elliot is left alone with them as Gamlen shuts the door in his face. He drops to his own knees and as his body leans against the wall near the door he cannot stop the tears. His emotions paralyze him so thoroughly that he cannot even cry out or make a noise, other than the sounds of his breathing coming out in gasps. He isn’t aware of time as he huddles near the door and his body shakes with his grieving.

                _I’m so sorry, Mother…_

                _This was all my fault…_

_I promised to protect our family…_

_I failed Father…_

_I failed Bethany…_

_I failed Carver…_

_I failed you…_

_I tried…_

_I failed…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long to post :/ been sick and my sleep schedule has been all over the place :( I'm feeling better now though, so hopefully I'll get back into the swing of this. I've also just started writing another Hawke/Fenris fic, called Love and Magic, that I will hopefully be posting soon, so keep an eye out for that :) but I hope you all enjoyed this chapter *well... you know what I mean* and hopefully I'll have another chapter up in the next few days :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke needs help with Feynriel.

                Fenris was doing well after she received her share of the spoils from the expedition, but since Hawke had not come to ask her to join him on any missions during that first week after, she found herself doing mercenary jobs away from Kirkwall to keep busy. She also worked with Varric more with keeping their ear to the ground for Danarius and any groups of slavers that needed to be taken care of. It was a full two months before she decided to take Varric up on his offer for her to join in the Wicked Grace night again. Sebastian had been persistent with her for a few weeks after her return about moving in together, but she had always redirected his thoughts enough to make him forget- at least until she’d leave for more work. He had been in Starkhaven for a few weeks now, trying to retake his throne, and she was feeling lighter than she had in a long time.

                “Broody… I’ll be a nug’s uncle… I didn’t think you’d make it…”

                _How many times do I have to… ah forget it_ …

                “I said I would come, dwarf, now buy me a pint and you can go back to combing your chest hair or oiling Bianca or… whatever it is you like to do… I know you’re good for it…”

                “Now now… hold it right there, elf… you got your fair share of coin now… buy your own damn pint… plus… no one gets between me and Bianca’s oiling… I’d be in the doghouse for months…”

                _Always such an odd dwarf_ …

                “Mmmm, I’d know that voice anywhere… is that you, Tiger?”

                “Yes… it is I, _Pirate_!”

                Fenris turns around just as Isabela enters Varric’s suite. She had only seen the pirate a few times since they came back, but she never seemed to change. Fenris’ hair was getting to an awkward stage, since she hadn’t really felt like cutting it, and she now had to constantly turn her head to the side so her natural part would allow her to see better. When fighting she used her instincts and her ears to detect her enemies and less on her eyesight, so it never really bothered her in that sort of situation. She only found it a little irritating when talking with her friends.

                _Friends_ …

                Isabela swaggers up to her and holds her arms open, inviting her in for a hug she figures, and gives Fenris the sauciest grin she’s ever seen the pirate make. She only crosses her arms and shakes her head no until Fenris' favorite redhead shows up.

 _Speaking of friends_ …

                “Hello, Aveline, it is good to see you.”

                “Hello, Fenris.”

                _Always short and never sweet_ …

                Fenris watches Aveline walk to the table and sit. Isabela mumbles something about Fenris being a spoilsport as she turns to the table just as Merrill walks in, followed shortly after by Anders.

                “Fenris?”

                _Eeeerrrrggghhhh… don’t speak to me witch_ …

                Fenris watches her smile and nod her head before she makes her way to the table, sitting next to Isabela, and then notices their other guest staring at her worriedly.

                “You’re not going to rip out my heart, are you?”

                _I will make no such promises_ …

                Fenris’ only response is a growl before she sits in the seat between Aveline and Varric. He hesitates another moment before he takes one of the last empty seats and is next to Merrill. She figures Hawke is just late, and feels her insides churning at the thought of seeing him after so long, when Varric begins shuffling the deck and looks at the abomination expectantly. Anders tries to ignore him, but Varric always loves his own rules.

                “Last one in, Blondie… go get ‘em”

                _What about Hawke?_

                Her query must show somewhat on her face, or she thinks maybe it’s the fact that she hasn’t shown up herself in so long, but Varric informs her of his absence.

                “None of us have really seen Hawke since we all came back… he’s been busy trying to get in front of the Viscount to regain his mother’s family estate, and also trying to… well… I’m sure you know already…”

                _Carver_ …

                “I have not seen him since…”

                _I left him alone… he deserves someone better than me_ …

                “Yea… I kinda guessed that….”

                _Did you now?_

                Fenris only glares at him until he surprisingly holds her stare and she has to lower her eyes in shame.

                _Hawke is Varric’s friend… how could I think it wouldn’t bother him or anyone else if I left him?_

                “So, where’s Choir Boy? Or is it Prince now?”

                _Hopefully, wherever Sebastian is, he’s thinking, “Fenris who?”… a girl can hope_ …

                “I’m not sure… he is in Starkhaven still, I assume. I have not received a letter from him in quite some time, so I cannot say with complete certainty, but that is my guess.”

                “Hmph.”

                _Can we just change the subject?_

                “So what do you worthless bags of nugshit wish to start with? One silver or two?... Not you Daisy… you’re my ray of sunshine and kittens and I still owe you.”

 

* * *

 

 

                It would be a whole year before Sebastian returned to Kirkwall and of course it was during their reunion that she finally spoke more than a few words with Hawke since the expedition into the Deep Roads. Sebastian was just releasing his hands from her face after giving her a surprisingly tender kiss that she was momentarily struck senseless until halfway through Hawke’s request.

                _I could get used to a kiss like that_ …

                “… The Keeper is waiting for us in the Alienage. Please… Feynriel needs my help… and I can’t do this alone.”

                _Feynriel?... Why does that name sound familiar?_

                “Is this the mage boy you let go to the Dalish?”

                “Yes… let’s scream it to the Maker and all the nearby Templars…”

                _Shut up Abomination!_

                Fenris growls at him as she steps towards him and as her markings flare she can’t help but feel satisfaction when he steps back. Sebastian tenses as he puts his hand on her hip, trying to calm her, as Hawke moves between her and Anders. She looks into Hawke’s eyes and sees the wall of cold still up and it hurts her, but she continues to push forth as though she is unmoved.

                “He is a mage!”

                “Will you help or not?”

                _I would prefer to just end this mage’s life and be done with it, but_ _I will not abandon you.. no matter if you hate me or not_ …

                She sighs in frustration, but nods her head and motions with her hand for him to lead the way. Hawke glances down at the hand on her hip, but his eyes leave it so quickly she can almost convince herself that it never really happened. She looks towards Sebastian before she follows after Hawke and gives him an apologetic smile- after the kiss he just gave her she can’t help but wonder if the tenderness would bleed into the rest of their bedroom activities.

                _I am a horrid waste of space on this planet… Hawke will move on, if he hasn’t already.. he will be happy again… he deserves to be happy… Sebastian.. Sebastian deserves better than me… I don’t deserve their loyalty… I don’t deserve their trust… and I definitely don’t deserve their love…_

 

* * *

 

 

                _I hope she is happy… she seems happier… I hope Sebastian keeps it that way_ …

                Hawke hurries behind Anders as they make their way to the Alienage to help Feynriel. Hawke knew they would need to journey into the Fade to help him, but whether or not he would make it out unscathed was another matter. He knew that if they killed Feynriel in the Fade that he would become Tranquil and if he wasn’t strong enough to deliver the killing blow, then at least he would have Fenris or even Sebastian to make sure it was done. The only problem would be convincing them to come along once they found out what would be asked of them.

 

* * *

 

 

                _He is surely joking… he has to be… UGH… he isn’t_ …

                Fenris glares at Hawke and stands stoically even as her insides try to force her to cower and hide. She shakes her head infinitesimally at Hawke’s pleading gaze and as his eyes soften towards her she fears that he can see her inner struggle.

                _This is unnatural… we should not be entering the Fade in such a way… and I must let this Dalish Keeper use magic on me? I would rather… don’t do it, Hawke… don’t look at me like that… DON’T_ …

                Hawke walks towards her and she notices Sebastian halt lying down as he notices. She keeps her scowl in place, both to keep Sebastian from standing and to keep Hawke from seeing how uncomfortable she is, until Hawke looks at her and she notices the wall is down behind his eyes.

                _He understands what he’s asking of me… he knows, but_ …

                “I need you, Fenris… if I can’t…”

                _Then I can_ …

                Fenris closes her eyes for a moment as she steels herself. If Hawke can’t kill Feynriel, then he knows that she’ll be able to do it.

                “Let’s get this over with.”

                She watches Hawke sigh in relief and looks back at Sebastian as Hawke walks back to the Keeper. Sebastian looks as though he is trying to keep himself from something and smiles at her to try and hide his feelings from her, but she already knows what troubles him.

                _After this is all done I will try… I will try to be the woman deserving of him_ …

                “Are you sure about doing this, Sebastian?”

                Fenris sits next to Sebastian and looks at her hand as she carefully slides her gauntleted fingers between his bare ones. The callouses on his palm, from a lifetime of pulling a bowstring, are different from the hands she’d been used to feeling touch her, but they are familiar enough now to calm her nerves instead of making her skin crawl. Her eyes remain locked on to their joined hands as he brings her hand to his lips and turns it to place light kisses on her exposed skin.

                “I do not see that we have much of a choice, Love… we must help Hawke right his wrong and keep this boy from becoming an abomination.”

                _Yes, we must… Feynriel can’t be allowed to become an abomination… the destruction he would cause… we must save Feynriel from himself and we must protect Kirkwall… even all of Thedas if the Keeper’s words are to be taken seriously_ …

                “You’re right… we must make sure Feynriel does not become another Blight onto Thedas…”

                “Promise me you’ll be careful while we are in the Fade, Love… I've only just come back to you and I cannot stand the thought of anything happening…”

                “Don’t worry, Sebastian… we’re not mages.. we can’t become Tranquil… we will only come back to ourselves.”

                “Just promise me… please?”

                _Stubborn_ …

                “I promise.”

 

* * *

 

 

                _I come back after losing Carver and what remains of my family still will not speak to me, other than a few words here and there… Qunari in the city are causing unrest… I have yet to be granted an audience with the Viscount about reclaiming the estate… Aveline suspects the Guard Captain of corruption… and to top it all off, I find out that I have not helped Feynriel at all and in the process of finding friends to help me I find Sebastian holding and kissing Fenris like he needs her to breathe_ …

                Hawke lies down on the soft mats Arianni provided for the ritual and breathes out a long sigh. He nods his head at the Keeper so she knows they are ready to start, then closes his eyes and waits to be sent into the Fade.

                _Her hair is getting longer… I wonder if she forgets to cut it.. or if she’s leaving it on purpose_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                “With my power joined to his, Feynriel could have changed the world!”

                _Maker, save us… if this demon had joined with Feynriel… we arrived not a moment too soon_.

                “There can be no honest deal with a demon.”

                Fenris smirks at Hawke’s back and feels pride that he is strong enough to stand up to the demon- she feels pride in herself that she found someone to follow who was strong enough.

                _No… why would I think such a thing?… It’s not as though I pitted him against others to prove his worth and bet in his favor_ …

                “No? You think I will lie, then, when I offer your friends what Feynriel turned down?”

                _As if any of us would stoop so low_ …

                Fenris sneers until the demon’s gaze seems to envelope her. Though its eyes are as black as the void she can still sense them trying to seek entrance into her mind. Her pride at her own inner strength flares inside of her again as she seemingly brushes its magic away- until it unleashes the full force of it’s magic against her and her control begins to slip.

                _It couldn’t hurt to just hear it out_ …

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am so sorry that this chapter took so long :( I will try to do better :( I hope this chapter was at least partially worth the wait. The next chapter will involve Isabela's POV so the next chapter should be fun :) as always comments are very encouraging and fuel my mind and kudos/bookmarks warm my heart like a warm fire in winter :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris receives a small mercy as she decides to flee Kirkwall- in the form of a familiar Pirate.

                _Mmmm… so golden and yummy… so filling and intoxicating_ …

                “My one true love… at least on the mainland.”

                 Isabela finished off the pint in her hand before she slammed her cup down on the bar. She watched as Corff filled another tray for Norah and slipped the coin from another customer’s drink into his pocket. If he were anyone else she’d have sidled up to him and relieved him of his coin just to teach him a lesson.

                “Corff… Sweet Thing… would you be a dear and pour me another pint of this rum?”

 _One more before I head to the Docks… Corff, don’t ignore me… this damn lead better be good or Valc is going to find himself missing his not so best asset_ …

                She slipped out a few coins from her coin purse and slapped them onto the bar to get Corff’s attention as she watched one of the crew from the ship she would be sailing with giving her an appraising leer as his cup was filled. She slowly squeezes her arms together, pushing out the twins, and bites her lip- careful not to catch the golden stud pierced there- before giving him a wink.

 _He is delicious looking, but Isabela, you know if he doesn’t perform well that it’ll cause you more problems at sea than it’s worth_ … _there we are, Sweet Thing, just one more pint and I’ll taunt and tease you no more_ …

                 Isabela would miss the people in Kirkwall, though she would never admit it, but this Tome was her only shot to get Castillon off her back. Maybe once she did she could come back and put her coin towards getting a ship instead of paying all her contacts for information.

 _With all the trouble I’ve gone through to locate this wretched tome I should tell Castillon that he’ll get me a ship if he ever wants to see it_.

                “Excuse me… but I would like to introduce myself…”

                “Please, Sweet Thing, save yourself the heartache and just.. don’t.”

                “Oh, but I believe it is too late… as soon as thine eyes beheld your beauty I became lost…”

                “Oh boy…”

                “To be the stale air that touches your lips… to be the cushion of the seat you most sit upon… to be the finger inside…”

                “OKAY... time for me to go-goodbye-hope to never see you again…”

_What in the Maker’s flaming balls just happened?_

                 Isabela started laughing now that she was away from the poor fool, and just sashays past the crew members yet to leave, when she walks out the door and runs straight into a hysterical Fenris.

 

* * *

 

 

                _How could I have been such a fool? I let that demon sway my thoughts… I turned against Hawke… I fought him and… and a part of me enjoyed it… what kind of a woman does that make me? I need to leave… I can’t stay here_ …

                Fenris couldn’t stand the understanding look Keeper Merethari had given her when she awoke, so she growled and ran from the house. She had barely watched where she was going, only that she needed to leave. She wasn’t sure why her mind thought Varric would be a help to her, but she made her way to The Hanged Man hoping that he might take pity on her. She needn’t have worried because before she could walk in the door her saving grace walked out and right into her. The Pirate.

                “Fenris?”

                _Praise the Maker for small mercies_ …

                “Isabela! Please… I need your help…”

                “Whoa there, Tiger… what’s got you looking like a fish out of water?”

                _Here goes nothing_ …

                “I need to get out of Kirkwall… tonight… and I need you to not ask questions… could you do that?”

                _Please_ …

                “Well… I… is someone after you? Should we get Hawke?”

                “NO!”

                Fenris tries to breathe as Isabela gives her a questioning stare. She can’t see any of them. Hawke’s disappointment. Sebastian’s anger. The Abomination’s smug smile.

                _NO… I can’t see any of them_ …

                “Please Isabela… have you ever needed someone’s help, but been unable to explain…”

                Isabela gives a look of surprise at Fenris’ words and as they soften she knows that the Pirate will help her. She’ll just owe her a favor.

                “Andraste’s tits… _FINE_ … but YOU’LL OWE ME!”

                Fenris is about to say thank you when the Pirate lifts her hand to stop her from speaking further.

                “You’re in luck, as I’m about to head out on my own adventure from Kirkwall… the Captain owes me a few favors and… I _suppose_ I can cash in just one more to get you aboard.”

                “Thank you.”

                “Don’t mention it, Tiger, but if you need to grab anything before we go you best hurry.”

                _No worries there_ …

                “I have everything I need with me already… there is nothing else I need.”

                “No farewell kisses from any sexy eyed men before we depart? I’m unsure how long we will be gone.”

                _They will be better off without me_ …

                “No.”

                Isabela only quirks one of her well-manicured brows before nodding her head and holding her arm out as though to link her arm with Fenris’. Figuring she might as well start off their trip by keeping the Pirate happy, Fenris rolls her eyes, but links their arms as they walk towards the docks. She tries not to look behind herself every few minutes.

                _I’m sorry Elliott… I hope you find happiness_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Isabela could understand a girl’s need for privacy and when Fenris had been unable to explain why she needed to run, well, Isabela couldn’t ask the girl to do something when she herself had done, and was still doing, the same thing with her new friends in Kirkwall. Keeping secrets was the life of a pirate- along with booty, booty and more booty- but secrets and the sea were a pirate’s first comfort.

                _She’ll either tell me in time, or she won’t… but girl’s stick together and I can tell when a person feels the need to disappear_ …

                “I hope you’re not the sea-sick type. I know you’re not against a little hard labor, and though the Captain owes me, we’ll still have to pull our weight on board.”

                “That is fine, Isabela… as long as he will allow me to join you.”

                _Well… I might have to use a little persuasion… especially to keep him and his crew from trying to pursue her while we’re at sea, but nothing I can’t handle… I hope_ …

                “No worries, Sweet Thing. I’ll take care of everything. Just keep any glowing to an absolute minimum… these are men we’re talking about, and though most of them have probably sated their peculiar appetites at the Rose… well…”

                “I am well aware of the appetites of men, Pirate… just so long as they don’t touch me I will be fine.”

                _Back to Pirate I see_ …

                “Let’s go see the Captain… shall we?”

                Fenris nods her head and motions for Isabela to take the lead. Isabela winks at the first crewman who walks by her and smirks at his obvious blush. She had a feeling he was a new addition to the crew and still hadn’t been broken in. His blush was confirmation.

                _Oh, Sugar Pie… this trip is going to be torture for you, I can see it now_ …

                They walk down a little tri-stare dip and without so much as a friendly warning knock Isabela opens the doors wide and steps inside the Captain's quarters. Practical and organized were the first things she thought when she scanned the room. Well… everything except the Captain was currently organized.

                _Oh, this is good_ …

                “Eh ehm…”

                Isabela leaned against a corner wall and smirked at the Captain leaned back against his war table, his back thankfully facing her and a red faced Fenris, as one of the lovely elven whores from the Rose kneeled between his legs.

                “Need something, Isabela? Ahhh… yea… keep going, just like that…”

                _As long as she gets him off I shouldn’t even need to use my charm to get him to agree_ …

                Isabela winked at Fenris as she turned her back to the scene before her and smirked at the glare she received. Most things didn’t faze her. Being a pirate and a captain of her own ship saw to that. This almost made her want to giggle.

                “It can wait a few minutes if you need it.”

                _Sugar you up since I know you’ll only be a few more seconds_ …

                “If you’d be so kind... that is… unless you’d like to watch the show… or join in…”

                _Not in your wildest dreams_ …

                “Thanks for the offer, but we’ll pass.”

                “Suit yourselves… oooh… Maker… you knife-eared whores really know how to suck a cock don’t ya?”

                _Aaannnd it’s time to go_ …

                Fenris is already out the door before Isabela turns to leave, but as she sees the look in her companion’s eyes she can tell the Captain’s last comment was heard. Protectiveness washes over the pirate for the tattooed elf and Isabela is about to reassure Fenris that she can decide to stay in Kirkwall when Fenris snorts.

                Isabela looks around dramatically.

                “What’s so funny?”

                Fenris only shakes her head.

                “This ‘knife-ear’ will cut off his unimpressive cock if he tries to put it anywhere near me… I hope you don’t mind.”

                “Not at all… just warn me if we’ll need to make a hasty escape.”

                Fenris gives her a disbelieving look.

                “What? He owes me favors… doesn’t mean I like him. Plus you’re eye candy enough that I could stand being stranded alone on a boat with you if need be.”

                _Ooooh… she does smile… well.. smirk, but close_ …

                “Thank you I suppose?”

                “Lighten up, Sweet Thing. Everything will work out… you’ll see.”

                _And if anyone so much as touches you I’ll cut their dirty little dicks off myself_ …

                “Whatever you say…”

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris leaned against one of the walls inside the Captain’s quarters as Isabela and the Captain worked out where best to stop on their trip to Antiva. Isabela had barely needed to bat an eye for the Captain to agree to Fenris joining. Fenris hadn’t even needed to speak. The only conditions the Captain had was that they had to share the room Isabela had used a favor to gain and she also had to share her meals as they didn’t have extra for an extra mouth. Fenris had assured Isabela that she would not need much to eat, but sleeping in the same room?

                _I hope she was for once being honest when she said she didn’t bed people she worked with_ …

                Fenris looks out a porthole near her head and watches the Kirkwall landscape slowly become a dark line on the horizon. Isabela had quickly scratched a note to Varric and had one of the small street urchins that roamed the docks promise to deliver it and bring back proof that he delivered and she’d give him two silvers. Fenris had never seen a child run so quickly in all her life. When she had silently questioned the Pirate the only response she was given was a shrug and a smirk.

                _Antiva… I always wanted to go… ever since I learned that Danarius was not viewed well there… maybe I can disappear there… forget_ …

                “Your friend here doesn’t speak much does he?”

                _He?_

                “My friend is none of your concern, Jorrin.”

                _I suppose it would probably be best if they all believed me to be a man_ …

                “Is he the reason you turn me down every time?”

                _Don’t smirk, don’t smirk, don’t smirk_ …

                “Sadly no. My friend is just that… a friend. I turn you down because, unlike you, I don’t mix business with pleasure… ever.”

                Isabela smirked and shrugged.

                “It’s one of my rules.”

                _Probably one of the smartest decisions she’s ever made in her life_ …

                “Yeah, yeah, yeah… you and your damn rules…”

                “Oh, don’t be so glum, Sweet Thing. In a few days it’ll be smooth sailing and you’ll forget we’re even here.”

                _HA!_

                “I hope you’re right, Isabela.”

                _You and me both_ …

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the super long wait :( had a major case of writers block, then our house had a major leak and our landlord decided to put the house we're renting up for sale instead of fixing the problem, and then we're moving to a new state in a few months so we're looking for houses to buy... crazy crazy... anyways, I started playing Skyrim for PC and for some wonderful reason it helped my writers block and I started writing a Skyrim fic (if anyone loves the game and is interested in reading my other fic). After I finished the first chapter for that I came back to this and it all just fell out of my head :D so I hope you all enjoy and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my Skyrim fic will keep helping me with this one as well :P


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple POV (For reasons) and a little 'MAKER, WTF!' going on in this chapter. A little Mature at the end. I hope you enjoy.

                _How could she just leave me like that? No… no, she hasn’t left me… she just needed some space… she’ll come back to me_ …

                _‘Oh yes… we can make her come back… let me help you… she will be your queen…’_

                _Shut up. Shut UP_ …

                “SHUT UP!”

                “What’s that, Choir Boy?”

                “Nothing…”

                _It’s nothing_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott pulls Varric away from their usual table at The Hanged Man and scratches his beard. He hates when his hair gets to this point- it always itches like crazy. Varric looked around for a second before pulling out a scrap of paper and handed it to Elliott. Isabela is very ‘to the point’ in _everything_ it seemed- even letters.

                “Fenris is with Isabela? And they’ve left Kirkwall for an indeterminate amount of time…”

                _Dammit_ …

                “So it seems… Rivaini never said where she was headed and that I’d spend too much coin trying to find out and to just not worry about her, but she never mentioned bringing Broody along…”

                _This is all my fault_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris found she quite enjoyed being thought a man. It meant she didn’t need to speak to anyone since they’d know she was a woman the instant she did. She would just nod her head or grunt as deeply as she could. The first few days at sea everyone had tried to see if they could get Fenris to talk, but after their betting had died down and they all realized nothing would work the men practically ignored her. When she wasn’t busy helping out on deck she would care for her sword and armor until they were both immaculate, much to the Pirate’s irritation as Fenris mostly tended to them at night while she tried to sleep.

                “You know, all that grinding you’re doing is making me wish I had something to grind as well…”

                _Ugh_ …

                Fenris just ignored her in hopes that she would eventually give up and go to sleep. After a few quiet moments she figures the Pirate had- until she hears her sighing loudly. Another sigh... only breathier. A moan.

                Fenris whips her head in Isabela’s direction and sees her wink before sliding her hand up her bare thigh.

                _Is she really going to_ …

                “Don’t even think about it, Pirate!”

                “Oh, _COME ON_ Tiger… don’t be a _prude_ … I need to release some tension _somehow_ … unless you want me breaking my rule?”

                _No thank you… UGH_ …

                “Don’t bother… I’ll just go get some fresh air for a while.”

                “You know… you could always…”

                “No.”

                “Spoilsport.”

 

* * *

 

 

                “I’m going back to Starkhaven to reclaim my throne.”

                “What of your vows, Sebastian?”

                “I cannot…”

                “And your promises to the Maker?”

                Sebastian only sighs.

                “The Maker understands my reasons, Elthina… I trust that you will try to understand as well.”

                He hugs the Grand Cleric and kisses her cheek, as a son does to a mother, before turning and leaving the Chantry. He cannot allow his kingdom to be ruled by fools and once he’s reclaimed his throne he plans to restore Starkhaven to the prosperous and peaceful place it was when his parent’s ruled. Soon after leaving the Chantry the whispers begin again.

                _‘You will reclaim your birthright and restore your home to its former glory, but we both know it’ll never feel right to you… not without her… the one you love… she would be your queen… warm your bed… bring you an heir…’_

                _SHUT UP!_

                _‘I can help you… we can find her… together…’_

                _Maker, I miss her_ …

                _‘I can help you…’_

                “I will not fall for your false promises again. _BE GONE FROM ME DEMON_!”

                _‘Hmm… perhaps not… yet’_

 

* * *

 

 

               It was another night, a few weeks later, when Fenris was finally starting to understand why Isabela loved being a pirate. The water reflecting the moonlight and the sky alight with stars beyond counting. Once her body had grown used to the swaying she couldn’t help feeling that she might actually be enjoying herself. When she had still been a slave there had not been time to just admire the view. If she wasn’t scanning anyone who came near Danarius, she was trying to shut her mind off and just obey as he used her in other ways. Hate filled her at the memories of him and her clawed gauntlet gouged the railing before her. So easily he could still pull her mind from pleasant thoughts. Hearing footsteps clicking against the deck alerted Fenris to someone other than Isabela approaching her and she immediately tensed.

                _I’d never have heard Isabela… only smelled her natural jasmine scent_ …

                “Fenris?”

                She only nods her head once to acknowledge him.

                “Right… you _really don’t talk_ do you… I wonder… is it by _choice_? Or did something happen to you? Or were you _born_ that way?”

                Fenris only looks at him for a few seconds before returning her attention to the calm waters below her. She hears the young man sigh quietly next to her.

                _What is his name again? Mason?... Yes… I believe that’s his name_ … _Isabela says he’s green… or… new to the crew…_

                “I suppose this is why the rest of the guys give me that same look, or they talk over me… except you… I ramble… sorry.”

                _Yes… so please stop talking_ …

                She closes her eyes as he continues.

                “It’s just that… well… I was wondering… are you and… are you and Isabela together?”

                _Umm_ …

                Fenris looks at him questioningly and quirks a brow as he looks at his feet. She could also swear that his cheeks and neck seem darker from a possible blush. She has to keep herself from laughing.

                _Maker help me_ …

                She doesn’t touch him to get his attention. Just waits until he finally looks up. When he does Fenris only smirks and shakes her head no. Both as an answer and a warning, though she can tell that even if she spoke he’d not heed the warning. He’d learn quick enough with Isabela.

                “Really? That’s… that’s great… that’s…”

                He gets this odd look in his eyes and she finds herself growing slightly uncomfortable. Like he can see her extra tight breastband beneath her armor. Like he knows she’s a she and that his inquiry was not for Isabela’s sake.

                _He can’t know… there’s no way… right?_

                She watches him glance around quickly before he turns back to her and takes a step... in her direction. Fenris panics and feels her eyes widen before Mason leans towards her and closes his eyes. She opens her mouth before she can stop herself.

                _When did his hands find my waist?_

                “ _What are you doing?_ ”

                Silence.

                “Wait…”

                _Fasta vass!_

                Fenris just stands frozen as Mason moves his lips from touching hers.

                “Are you… are you a woman?”

                _Vishante kaffas! Wait… he didn’t know I was a woman? Then…_

                Fenris only stares at him in answer. He’s quiet for a moment longer.

                “ _AND YOU CAN SPEAK?_ ”

                _VENHEDIS!_

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott stood next to his mother as she continued to ignore him. He still couldn’t blame her for blaming him. He still blamed him. Carver, Beth and his mother were his responsibility after his father died. His sister died when he should have kept her safe. His brother died because he was too jealous to allow Sebastian along into the Deep Roads. He knew getting the Amell estate could never bring his siblings or his father back, but maybe it would bring his mother a little comfort or even peace.

                “I’ve got us an audience with the Viscount tomorrow morning, Mother.”

                She looked at him suddenly and there was a flash of emotion in her eyes before she looked at Elliott skeptically. Looking back to her hands as they knit hats and gloves to sell in Lowtown she spoke in hushed words.

                “I thought it would still be more months for that? What sort of foolishness did you stir up to get it so fast? I will not do this underhanded, Elliott.”

                _At least she’s speaking to me… and actually saying my name_ …

                “I’m not doing, nor have I done, anything illegal to get this audience. I helped Seamus with a personal matter and he knew beforehand of your petition… he must have spoken to his father on our behalf.”

                Leandra clutched her knitting to her legs and just stared at Elliott for a moment. When his mother closed her eyes and sighed, Elliott reached a hand out to touch her shoulder, but before his hand touched her he thought better of it and just dropped his hand back to his side.

                “I hope that’s the case… and if it is, please tell Seamus thank you…”

                _I wish I could make you proud again_ …

                “I will, Mother.”

                Elliott left Gamlen’s quickly after that. He had been planning to see how Aveline was doing with her new position among the city guard and to see if there was anything she needed help with, but if he ran into Seamus on the way then he would express his thanks then. If not, then he’d have to speak with him another day. Today he needed a mission to keep his mind off of his mother and the estate. And a pair of green eyes partially hidden by shock white hair.

                _I hope her and Isabela are doing well_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                ‘ _Mmm… Fenris, where did you learn to do that little trick with your tongue?_ ’

                She felt her kiss the inside of her thigh before resting her cheek over it. Isabela had been with plenty of women, but none had known just how hard to push, and the exact spot she loved, to get her off that fast. She languidly ran her fingers through Fenris’ white hair before pulling her up to kiss her lips.

                ‘ _Where do you think I learned it?_ ’

                _Mmm… naughty naughty_ …

                ‘ _From Sebastian?_ ’

                She shakes her head.

                ‘ _Hmmm… oooh… Hawke?_ ’

                Again she shakes her head.

                _Who else_ …

                Fenris kisses her on the neck then moves back up to her lips.

                ‘ _Do you give up?_ ’

                _Aww… but I love guessing games… oh well_ …

                Isabela nods as they both sit up.

                ‘ _Just tell me, Sugar Plum_.’

                ‘ _My old master_.’

                _What?_

                ‘ _He enjoyed it… so I wanted my new master to enjoy it too._ ’

                Isabela woke with a startled rakish yell. The single lantern that lit the space illuminated the room enough that she noticed Fenris’ absence. Lifting her hand to her forehead, she couldn’t help the exasperated groan that left her as she fell back on the bed. As her mind and body slowly settled and relaxed she wondered where her dream had snuck up from. She sure as Andraste’s flaming ass didn’t want to be Fenris, or anyone else’s, master. Captain was good enough for her.

                _I like a little freewill in my bed buddies_ …

                Isabela was starting to feel sleep pulling at her again when the door burst open and Fenris rushed in, slamming it closed behind her.

                “ _Isabela_ … we _may_ have a slight problem…”

                “Oh, _damn-it-all_!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just felt that, with Fenris and Isabela, things just couldn't be 'smooth sailing' and the little scenes with them just came to me :P I'm so glad my block is gone for this fic :D it was eating at me that I wasn't writing it. Anyways, I hope you liked this chapter :D leave me a comment if you did ;D if not, that's cool too :D I just hope you enjoyed it cause I enjoyed writing it :D


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Isabela bond... Hawke celebrates reacquiring his family's estate.

                “Maker’s balls, Fenris, what did you do now? You’re not bleeding… did you hit someone? Did they see you glowing? SHIT… do we need that getaway boat?”

                _Uhhh_ …

                “There was no glowing… though I was close… and no fighting, only… that Mason kid. He tried to kiss me… and I spoke…”

                “Mmm… getting busy behind my back, Tiger?”

                “What… NO… he asked if you and I were together and I thought he was asking from interest in you… then he leaned in and I panicked and asked him what he was doing…”

                “Oh Sweet Thing… ah ha ha… um… wait… how did he figure out you were a woman?”

                “He didn’t until I spoke…”

                Fenris watches Isabela’s eyes widen and her smile grows larger with her mirth. She begins to cackle, holding her stomach from the force of them, and starts pointing at Fenris as she rocks back and forth. Fenris scowls at Isabela’s disregard for the situation she finds herself in and growls loudly. Isabela seems to try to control herself and waves her hand back and forth as she tries to breathe through her fit.

                “I do not find this funny, Pirate.”

                “OH, this is RICH… _come ON_ , Tiger… it _IS_ funny… though I feel a tad jealous that even gay men want you…”

                “Still not funny.”

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott watched his mother walk away with the designer, discussing where best to place things and what should be bought to fill the newly reacquired estate. The first hour after they stepped foot in the front door Elliott had watched his mother look around the great open room and then begin to cry and fall to her knees. She had been inconsolable and had ignored Elliott in her grief. When she had collected herself she had only stated that she was going to see about getting someone to help get the estate in order. Other than giving the designer the budgeted amount for everything he had left the rest to be decided by his mother. He didn’t much care what it would look like when it was finished, only that his mother might be happy.

                “Feel like celebrating?”

                _Varric_.

                Elliott had grown used to Varric popping up out of nowhere. At first it had been disconcerting that a dwarf could make such little noise if he wished to, but he figured that was probably how he found some of the best stuff for his stories.

                “Yes, please.”

                “Great… Daisy and Blondie are already waiting… last I heard they were discussing kittens… I decided to see if you wanted to join and maybe catch Aveline as well.”

                “We can check in on her… I haven’t spoken to her in a week, but I’m sure I can convince her to join us.”

                “Yea… Aveline take a break? I suppose… if anyone can convince her it’s you, Hawke.”

                Elliott laughs and grabs Varric’s shoulder, shaking it lightly in jest, before they turn to leave the estate.

                “I’m sure if you asked nicely you could convince Aveline too.”

                “No… no thank you… Aveline scares the shit out of me. Don’t… tell her I told you that.”

                “Are there any women you’re not afraid of?”

                “Daisy… _well_ … maybe her too… _Andraste’s flaming ass_ , can we _not_ talk about this?”

                _Ha ha_ …

                “Sure, Varric.”

 

* * *

 

 

                The new serving girl at The Hanged Man was following Norah around clumsily, though no patron in sight seemed to mind. Elliott would have suspected blood magic if he couldn’t already tell that she was no mage and that Merrill had her suspicions until the girl was next to her. After sitting and chatting with his friends for a game Elliott began to notice the girl’s eyes lingering on him every time she walked into the room. He had to admit to himself that she was pretty in an innocent sort of way. Dark auburn hair, a slight build, maybe a foot shorter than himself, but there was something about the quick glances that had him wishing she’d gaze at him just a moment longer. He wasn’t sure what it was about her and tried to get his head back into their game of Wicked Grace.

                _Anders is bluffing… Merrill… oh Merrill, **don’t** … aaannnd there goes my hand_…

                “I think Norah’s shadow is coming down with Hawke fever… don’t you think?”

                _What now?_

                “A fever? Do you think she should be serving drinks if she’s sick? And I’ve never heard of Hawk Fever before… is it serious? Poor girl…”

                “Nothing to worry your pretty little head about, Daisy… if you were susceptible to the fever we’d already have had a talk with you and made sure to get you checked out with Anders.”

                “Oh good… though maybe Anders should go check on the poor girl?”

                _Maker save me_ …

                “Yes… maybe he should… Blondie?”

                “Don’t embarrass the poor girl… _I’ll_ go…”

                _And these are my friends?_

                “But shouldn’t Anders go? He is a healer…”

                He slammed the rest of his ale before he stood and started for the door to Varric’s suite. Anders had been smirking, Merrill had looked confused, Aveline had only lifted a brow, and Varric had looked on with his smug smile.

                “Shhhh Daisy… I think our _Hawke_ has just the cure she’s looking for.”

                “Oh… _OH!_ ”

                Elliott didn’t turn around as he force pushed Varric’s pint of ale into his lap and only started laughing as his friend’s cursing filled the room behind him. His friends wanted him to move on. He could take a hint. If only they knew that he could never give this girl the parts of him that she deserved. All the best parts of him belonged to a green-eyed mage-hater halfway across the world.

                _Who knows, Elliott… maybe after a few minutes of talking to you she’ll figure it out and forget about you the moment you walk out the door_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _Venhedis… damn this ship and the ocean it’s sailing on_ …

                Fenris and Isabela had thankfully not needed that quick escape the night before. Mason had come to the door and pleaded to be let in so that he could explain. Isabela had obliged, not seeming to care much for Fenris’ objections. While apologizing profusely for most of the conversation he had asked that they keep his proclivity for men a secret and in return he’d keep Fenris’ being a woman and being able to speak a secret as well. They had easily agreed, though Isabela had then begun poking fun at Fenris’ ability to so easily fool them all into believing her to be a man, and so well that Mason had even tried pursuing her.

                _Only another week at sea before we reach Antiva… there I can find work and maybe end a few more slavers while I’m at it_ …

                Fenris still wasn’t completely sure what Isabela’s plans were after they docked. She had hinted that maybe she would keep on with the crew until they stopped again, but she first needed to speak to a contact of hers in Antiva. That same contact would hopefully be able to help Fenris in finding work and safe lodging. Either way she planned on going her own way. It was easier to be alone.

                _No one else to worry about… no one will get hurt because of me_ …

                The scent of jasmine slipped by and Fenris stepped to the side just as Isabela tried sidling up to her backside. She heard the pirate huff with indignance before leaning provocatively against the railing.

                “How do you always do that?”

                _Wouldn’t you like to know_ …

                Fenris only glanced at the pirate for a moment before turning her attention back to the constantly swaying moonlight reflecting off of the waves below her. The sea spray was a balm to her sweat-slicked skin and with their destination growing closer and closer the inevitable heat seemed to grow as well.

                “We’ll reach Antiva soon… once we do I’ll reach out to my contact in the area and get you set up…”

                She looked at the pirate and opened her mouth to speak, but Isabela quickly raised her hand to stop her. Probably to keep Fenris from speaking while they were out in the open, and also because the pirate didn’t wish to hear Fenris’ thanks as well.

                “… after I’ve spoken to him I’ll know more about if I’ll be staying on with these worthless louts, or if you’ll be seeing more of me in and around Antiva.”

                _Well… I suppose… maybe… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have **someone** around to… **No** … even if she stays in Antiva it doesn’t mean she plans to travel with me and work with me… and it would be better that way anyways_…

                Fenris only nods her head and breathes out heavily. Unbidden and without warning a memory of Hawke smiling bombards her thoughts. A lump forms in her throat and she looks away from Isabela to hide the near tears forming in her eyes.

                _I’ll never be anything other than a mage-hating escaped slave to him… things are better this way… we can both move on_ …

                “Well, Tiger… I’m gonna take my lovely behind to bed… you coming?”

                _Maker save me_ …

                Fenris only glares at Isabela’s retreating back as the pirate begins exaggerating the sway in her hips. A few whistles from the few men who were still above deck could be heard as Fenris returned her eyes to the dark waters below her. She hoped that Hawke would be happy. She knew that he had Varric and Aveline at least to keep him out of trouble, and maybe with them he’d be able to find some happiness. She only ever brought him trouble and pain.

                _It’s better this way_ …

                _Be happy, Elliott_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott searched for the small girl following Norah around, but as Norah passed by him, minus her new little shadow, he felt himself fighting between relief and disappointment. He snickered at himself for being such a fool before deciding to head to the bar to grab some more ale for his friends and himself from Corff. He had slammed his own and knew that if he walked back into Varric’s suite without one for the dwarf he’d probably end up in his next novel.

                _What am I thinking… I’ve probably already earned myself my own series_ …

                Corff only nodded his head at Elliott before he began filling pints. He supposed that it would be pointless to try and speak as the tavern was rather packed with patrons and all of them seemed to be trying to speak over their neighbor. As it was he only heard Norah yelling because she kept repeating the same thing over and over again.

                “ENLA!”

                “ENLA!”

                “MAKER, GIRL… ENLA! ANOTHER TRAY!”

                _Who is she talking to?_

                Elliott turned to see who Norah had been screaming at when his shoulder hit something and he swore he could have heard a gasp. After he finally turned all the way around he found Norah’s shadow kneeling down to pick up a few pint glasses and a tray that he realized he had made tip over. He moved from his seat and knelt down to help her with her mess when she spoke.

                “Thank you, but I can manage… Ohh… it’s you…”

                Elliott placed the pint glasses in his hands onto the girl’s tray before he looked up and met her eyes when his heart stopped. All night he had been trying to get a better view of her eyes and he couldn’t put his finger on why until the very moment their eyes locked.

                Green…

                Emerald green…

 _Just like Fenris’_ …

                “Hi…”

                “Hello…”

                _Maker save me_ …

               

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait. My only excuse is that my family and I are in the process of moving out of state... and I've just been kinda out of it :/ I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back into it now cause I've decided I'm going to make this story into a series instead of a really long fic :) so yea... this is the last chapter of this part. Hopefully soon I'll have the first chapter of the next part up soon :)


	20. Chapter 20

Just wanted to post this to say that I've posted the first chapter in the second installment for this fic :) and if you enjoyed my first installment and wish to move on to the next part it's called 'Of Freedom and Forgiveness'

 

Thank you and <3 you all :D


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